My Creepy Little Thoughts

Yah, this one just makes me laugh. It reminds me of these wierd pictures my sister use to take of toys in various "action" shots complete with backgrounds and traps. Lord were those funny. Cuz after the pictures where finished they'd be turned into an epic movie...haha priceless.

Alright so I flaked on the X-Ray thus far. I know, bad bad me. *slaps self on wrist* I do need to get that done. It still hurts, it still feels gross and gooey in some areas..in some sense of reality I understand that it should be done. But in my defense the timing sucks. Christmas isn't very convient for this sort of thing and with New Years on it's tail, well who really knows. It may come down to January before it happens. But whatever, I'll deal as it comes. There is no possible way that my foot can be as screwed up as it was in the first place and so the pain factor can in no way register as high. And the pain is the thing I don't wanna deal with. Send me to physio, that's kewl. Been there and done that with a knee already, or hell chiropracter....I've had them pop and snap pretty much everything...even my head. But I'll be honest, they'll never touch head or spine again. That was a one time deal. My old chiropracter was funny though. Dr. Sandra thought it was the greatest the that I was small enough that she could litterly just toss me around the room at her leasuire. Haha, she was the best.

Head wise I don't know where I'd put myself. I am indulging in a pretty heavy amout of escapism in a varity of different ways. And I think you can apply more the escapism to it, I also think that the behaviours go deep enough to fall into the self medicating catergoty. I am not behaving. I am trying, I promise you I am trying to be a good fucking girl. But man is it hard. It is just so damn boring. Gah. I can't began to explain to you what the smother of that feels like right now. I do have the feeling I'm heading mixed or down. I would say mania but I know I'm seasonal. So for me to hit mania when I get whacked by SAD'S every year doesn't quite add up. But I guess that's the fun of a mood disorder, it's a tough call, as it will pretty much do whatever it wants when ever it wants. I don't know though, I'm extremly self destructive. I swear the only thing stoping me is this broken foot and the fact that it's hard to get around in winter on crutches.

I need to destroy myself.

I don't know why. I don't understand where this urge comes from. You see it's more then want, it surpass need....it's like it comes down to a primary level. It's an urge...like sex for some people. But I don't care about sex. I am far more intrested in destruction, just in general. And myself seems to be my favorite thing to attempt to dismantle and destroy. Why am I doing this? I wish I could atleast answer that question. I wish 1 of the 5 Doc's I'm working with could give me that answer. I honestly think if I had that reason, if I possed that knowledge, I could stop. Because I would understand the catalyst that pushes it, that triggers it. The reason that allows this sick desire to sink in. I would know what I'm up against. All of a sudden I'm fighting a known enemy instead of some chicken shit who won't even show himself. If I know what's malfucntioning and why, give me some time and I WILL fix it.

Anyways, I'm cold and bored, and apathtic...so catch ya next time motivation strikes.

Out of reach?

Well I'm home alone, which is nice. I don't like having people around during the day, unless you fall into a certain catagory of people I adore. I can never see enough of those guys :) And I miss them all ever so much. Me on another nostalgia kick. I know I drift back on it from time to time but I can't help myself. My friends were more of a family to me then my own was. And I will never forget that kindness. And I will never cease in being greatful even if all that could be done was lending me an ear to listen.

My battle with Topamax continues. Yesterday was pretty good. I only puked once! I spent most of the day feeling good. Today on the other hand, we are back to the norm. It's pretty bad when you've got one of those anti-puke patches behind your ear that they use for sea sickness(they get soo damn itchy after awhile) and gravol pills and are still puking up a storm. Haha, I know, you're very welcome for that mental image. But that's the bitch of this whole mess. The ugly drug, the one not FDA approved on either side of the border for bi-polar, is the most effective one I've been on. Limictal comes in at 2nd. Thus the new combo. But Topamax takes the back seat because my body just can't handle it at it's strongest dosage. Haha, I'm a pain in the ass to treat. I'm lucky my physchtrist likes a challenge. Hahaha.

Yet, inspite of Dr. M's & I's plan, I still lack hope. I can't help it. I know Topamax works, but it only work at high dosages for me. I don't know if going half way on it is going to enough to give limictal at it's max dosage the boost it needs. It's touch and go. It's a guessing game. Neither of us would bet money on it, but really it's the best option to take a kick at. So I'm crossing my fingers, eyes, and well pretty much anything else you can that this is the combo we've been searching for the past 5 years. Man that'd be nice. I just want stability. Grant me stability and I can make everything else happen on my own.

It's really hard to be surrounded by people who don't understand. Bi-Polar, they're getting better with. Borderling Personality Disorder...pfft. Man that one has a real nasty stigma attached to it, it you happen to know what it is at all. Maybe one day I'll post what it's really like. Instead of some Dr. who read about it in a text book and thinks he's the insta-expert. I mean really a book is all well and good; I read a couple on this one myself. Researched it on the web. Reputable sites people. Like the Mayo Clinic and the American Psyc Assocation. But reading it doesn't even scratch the surface. It's one of those things to understand you have to live. And even when you are living it, you still don't get it sometimes. It's so utterly confussing having these strange impulses that you can't seem to control. Like one time I was walking past a piercing shop and right there one the spot decided to get my boobs peirced. Just like that. Total whim. I've always been that way. And for the record, Fucking Hell does that hurt. No tattoo, or piercing I have ever gotten hurt as bad as those 2. Seriously it is something I would never do again.

On a last note, I'm going to end with something that annoyed me the other day. I was having a convo with a friend of mine, and we got onto my brain meds. I mentioned that they make me puke alot. Some chick I sorta know said something to the effect of "great way to get skinny." I bit my tounge even though I wanted to verbally eviserate her. The vast majority of phsyc meds are weight gainers. I know a woman who gained 100 pounds from taking zyprexa. I gained 70 on epival and I was working out 4 to 5 times a week at the gym. Now I've managed to lose 20 of it, but I got alot more to go. Slow and steady so they say. I'll get back to my normal weight, it just doesn't happen over night. So yah, she's either ignorant or stupid in thinking that barfing yourself skinny is a good idea.

Now if you'll excuse me I think I have to go attempt to barf again. Fuck you Topamax, Fuck you.

Call me strange...

Today in the midst of my Topmax filled sickness I decided to consult the I-Ching coins and Tarot Cards. I did them both a couple times, asking about the same situation, but from different angles. Different questions, etc. I honestly think I've found the answer I've been searching for. Now I know there's a ton of you out there who think it's crap. Fine. Your opinion, you're entitled. But if that's the case, so am I.

You see I have been using divination with different oracles since I was 13. I'm pretty good at putting these pieces together. Not many people know I do this stuff because well I honestly don't want to deal with their reaction. Some people know and think it's neat. They want me to read them. But sadly I feel there are too many others out there who are too afraid to open up their minds and give something else a shot. So they just say "it's stupid." Which really translates into "I don't understand it, it scares me because it's unconventional, I have no imagination, and thus there is no way it holds any value."

But I now know how to handle this mess. The oracles have confirmed that for once I've been doing it right from the get go. So that gives me a great deal of piece of mind. I almost broke the other day, but now my convictions are stronger then ever. I continue to take the high road. You continue to be dead. You fucked up. You caused the problem. And it is yours to fix. Instinct was right on the money.

And if you think me basing things on this is "strange and stupid", you're stupid. Knowledge and info can be found everywhere. I just have another set of tools to utilize. They have never lead me wrong. Now if I could only find my fricken Rune stones. I'd love to see what they had to say. Haha the joys of moving 1 million times in 5 years, every box is a surprise package!

It's like de ja vu

Well, well, well Mr. Topamax, we meet again. So anyways, back on this med for the 4th fucking time. This time as a secondary stabalizar to the limictal. Here's hoping we catch the train before it flies off the rails and that my hair doesn't fall out. Heh, yah this drug can do that to you. Last time I took it, it ended with my kindney's bleeding and me having a lobular seziur. Good Times. Now if you'll excuse me I must go attempt throwing up for a 3rd time today. I was only successful once, but the night is young and 3 attempts doesn't touch what this shit can do. Stay classy San Diego.

-45? *cries*

Man I use to love watching that cartoon. Bubbles was always my favorite, and well Mojo Jojo. Evil monkies are really what it's all about.

Well I'm in a foul mood. Blame it on waking up before I wanted to on a Saturday to a birage of sensless swearing. I don't understand some people. It's the same thing every time. Jesus, it's as dumb as complaining about the snow in winter...IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

I'm alittle confused on D's position on life. "well it's normal in other cultures." Why the hell don't people see the problem with the "status quo." They teach us the whole jumping of a bridge anaolgy when we're kids. And as lame as cliches are, well sometimes they're right. Just because something is acceptable in another culture does not mean it's right. I'm not just talking others, our own has it's flaws as well. I'm just baffled how on earth she could take child molestation and actually defend it. What the fuck. I don't fucking care how "normal" it is other places, I still think it's WRONG. Call me ethnocentric. I don't care. It's better then being a fucking Pedo.

There are so many people I hate in this city. I wish I could come up with a way to spite them all collectivly. Killing a ton of birds in one stone. Except replace birds with people. I like birds. :) See I have a whole wack of sneeky individual torments up my sleave. Yet, for some reason, I have failed to play these cards. Kinda like Uno I guess, you get dealt the "evil pick up cards" and then it's all up to you when you choose to screw your neighbor over. In the end this could still be alot of fun.

If there was a mood to put me in, evil, ruthless, sadistic, would all apply :D And that's awesome possum with me. I don't have to impress any of these fucking assholes.

........

What do you do when you can't get away from one of the things that scares you most? All I've come up with is sit in the dark, hide, and make as little noise as possible. Basically I try to be a ghost like as possible. I do not want to make things worse, I don't want to piss off. But I'm at my wit's and possibly sanity's end at this point. Sometimes I wish I could kill with my mind....

Victory! I've hobbled to the computer!!

I'm really not sure why this is a fail. I see it as a win. I'd "kill" to live on a street with such an awesome name. It would be great. Maybe it'd scare off some creditors? "Whoa, she lives on East Bucket Of Blood Street, maybe will just leave her alone for awhile." Anyways, enough. I vote Win!

So I've managed to make it to the computer again. It's now been 2 weeks and 4 days since it got busted. It's been behaving pretty well actually. Most of my foot is back to a normal flesh tone colour. Haha, my toes still look pretty funky, there's some wierd gooey lump on the side of my foot, and some weird rainbow type discolouration along the line where the sole of your foot meets with the top part. Haha, "top part" whatever I didn't take A & P. I heard it was a bitch and went no thanx. Anyways, pain hasn't really been a factor at all. Yesterday it was angry, like super pissed. But that's the first time it hurt bad since when it happened and I can't possibly imagine it hurting that bad again, so I'm not worried about it. Just keep poping those extra strength Advils! It would have been nice to get some pain killers, though. Pain killers = pure awesome if you've never had the pleasure. Haha, sooo goood.

My weeks have become flooded with appointments. It's enough to drive ya crazy, heh. Tuesday I seen my pyschitrist, next day the physcologist. The week before, my mental health nurse. Haha, seriously enough trying to help me. I need a breather. :D But atleast it's going to slow down some what now. 3 of my medical people, I don't see till next year. YAY! I like 'em, don't get me wrong....but crutches and -40 windchill + ice + snow is evil. Funny at the same time though. With the exception of my psycologist, I have to see her every week. Those sessions are so bizzare.

I really don't know what to make of D. She's a nice girl, I think she really does want to help but I don't know if she's the right Doc for me. I've been seeing her since the end of October. We've missed 6 appointments already. 4 of them were her doing. That doesn't say much about her level of professionalism. And I got to be honest they reasons, fairly lame. I can understand having to cancel, it's happened with my GP tons of times over the years. Her kid gets sick or something, that's cool. Well not that her kid is sick, but for her to cancel on account of. I think that's a pretty good reason...I'm not impossible to work with. But seriously D has gotten me to the point where I've lost confidence in her. And her lack of experience is a concern, she makes me feel like somewhat of a guinea pig. I've never been to a pyscologist before D so I don't really know how they work. I know she asks me some dumb questions. Like to define or explain things that I have put in the simplest way possible. It's like she's always trying to play some head game with me. Maybe that's what they're suppose to do? Either way it's annoying as fuck. It's like every session we debate something and she never wins. I don't know why she still insists on this method, but she does. I guess it's a pain because I leave there with nothing new. She basically comes to "discover" things about me that I could have told her about day 1 when I walked in the door. I'm either too confussing for her to understand, or she's dumb. Whatever. *shrug*

And I suppose lastly as of Sunday I'm starting my 2nd mood stabalizer. See I'm already on one, but wierd things are going on in my head right now. It's odd. I've done this dance enough times to recognize my warning signs. Problem is wether it's the verge of Mania or Depression the warning signs are the same. And then I have the Borderline factor to add to the mix. I basically don't know what my brain has planned for me, but it's up to something. So, Dr M,(psychitrist) is putting me on a 2nd stabalizer in hopes we can catch it before we have a massive train derailment.

Do I like the fact that I have to take more pills? No, but that doesn't matter. I HAVE to take them. Therapy is very important, but alot of times you need to pair it up with the meds. So here we go Topamax...for the 4th time. Let's hope this round goes better. The last time I took this drug it made my kidney's bleed and gave me a seziure. Haha, oh the joys of pysc meds. So fingers and eyes crossed, that at a lower dosage it'll be enough to help limictal out but not try and kill me. Hahaha, that's what I'm hoping for anyways. Not dying is always a good thing, inspite of what my brain tells me from time to time. :P

Well I'm gonna end this ramble. It's really long. My ADHD hates it. But it's been awhile so that's the way it goes. Hopefully I'll be more mobile in alittle while! :)

It's about time

Even bears have places to go. Now, I'm not sure exactly what they do when they get there or even where "there" is. But God speed Mr. Bear. I hope you mangle a couple shop keepers for me. Haha, I'm kidding, but I do love bears. <3

Well my foot is doing pretty good actually. Around Christmas they want it X-Rayed again to make sure everything has/is progressing the way it should be. I honestly think it'll be fine. They said 4 - 6 weeks, I bet it takes me 4. You see I am accident prone but I'm also a fast healer, haha. My husband didn't beleive me untill this incident. Apperently me falling down a flight of stairs blacking out and needing a CAT scan wasn't enough but this is! My dad was reading some article, apperently there is a clumsy gene. Man we so have it. My family is a walking gong-show when it comes to finding creative ways to hurt ourselves in seemingly safe situations. Ha, K not always safe, but in those cases you know you're tempting fate so atleast if it happens you can nod your head and say "should have seen that one comming." Haha, but yah it's doing good. I was angry at the lack of pain killers but that's ok, I've come up with my own way of pain killing. Heh, heh, heh. The way I see it, the worst is over. It can never hurt as bad as it did when it happened. So it's all blue skies from here, I'm just a gimp for alittle while.

Tonight is Thursday! I know it seems weird getting excited about Thursday, but it's one evening we're pretty much gaurenteed to be by ourseleves. That's all I ever really wanted. It blows ass to be a married couple with not alot of privacy. It's been a year and 5 months and we have yet to get our own place. But we will. Nothing ever stops me from getting what I want, because I'm willing to do whatever needs to get done to achieve it. I really do have a tenacious ruthless side to me, but I keep it under wrappes most of the time. But you can bet your ass if I need them, they're there for me to tap into.

Some people claim they do things for a reason. And you know sometimes that reason doesn't make any fucking sense, or makes them sound like an asshole. You, shit-face sound like both. You're either a trouble making ass or someone trying to sound like your in control of all your short commings. Either one is possible, you are a fucking ass and you're so full of yourself and have such a hurt ego you would lie to make yourself feel better. That's right, I see through that persona you present. It's all so people will like you because you need that. You need it because you never felt good enough. You still don't. So you go over the top, fail, and then blame someone else. I'm glad I'm not tethered to your sinking ship. Yah, mine has nailed the ice burg but at least I'm trying to get onto a life boat.

It's sink or swim.....and I hope you drown. :D

So yah, I broke my foot *shrug*

Ohh yes, some day I will have my gator tatty...and it will be marvalous. Just to figure out where to stick the little bugger. I know that fucked up eye is going on the back of my neck. The yellow rose, in memory of my grandfather, either calf or other shoulder. I'd really like to get it on the neck or forarm, but ya no one's gonna like that from an employment standered...unless I never kick disability. That's quite a possiblity. The gator I don't know where the hell to put it.

Every tattoo I have means something to me. I think the most sentimental will be my yellow rose. Girly tattoo, yes. Under normal circumstances I would stay away from that one, but this is different. A yellow rose was my grandfathers favorite flower. But there's an even sweeter twist...I'm not completely evil. :P See my grandmothers name was Rose, but she died when my mom was 5 or 6, so ya in the 50's. After that grandpa hit the bottle hard until I was born in '81. It's kind of like honouring both of them. This is one tatty I can get away with. There is no way my mom would yell at me for such a moment.

We all miss him. My grandpa was my hero. I could tell you stories, but there isn't simply not enough time or space. Rest assured he was a very unique indivual. So caring. He looked after 30 - 50 homeless cats. He's spend his pention checks to feed them with fine meat from the abitore. Heart of gold, in the world on Neil Young.

I suppose it's all sentiment, but now is the time to reflect since I can't do much else. Hopefully I get a tatty for Christmas from J. It could happen. I got my sis her first tattoo when she turned 18 and was legal to get it. *crosses fingers* I honestly can't think of anything I want more. Well I wish there was a horrific circumstance I could fix for my family...but I can't. Somethings don't have a cure. And I doubt we'll see it in this life time.

Sometimes they're things I can't fix. I hate that. I don't want to accept it, but I have no other choice. A cure will never be found in this life time. And if you're thinking I'm talking about me and my problems, you're wrong. If I could catch a leprachan or hold a genie hostage I would in an instant put another's health more them mine. That's Love.

I hate the sound of the vacum cleaner...maybe I'm a kitty!!!!

Well my parents did end up comming over for the weekend. It was alright. My dad and I had lots of fun. Haha we even came back to our place because my dad wanted to play some video games. Priceless. Not many 60 year old men I know who wanna play video games, but my dad is wickedly awesome. My mom was semi sane. She had her moments where both my dad and I had to ask her what the hell was wrong with her, but that's nothing new. Haha like the last time I went to visit and she decided that since it was 5:30 am, which is morning, it was an appropriate time to do the dishes. My mom litterly throws the pots and pans around when she does them. It sounds like a fucking elephant battle zone....not quiet in the least bit. My dad and I were THRILLED that time. Did I mention we're both hardcore insomniac's who take drugs to make us sleep? Thanx for the wake up mom. So ya, basically my mom has a history of some fairly strange and aggitating behavior. She makes all mental. I'm not trying to mom bash....haha it's just man, you forget things sometimes. :P

So the other night I had a mega panic attack. This one was hard to wrangle in. I'm at a point now where I can handle the small ones okish on my own. I'm still a mess, but I've somehow managed to figure out how to cope with them till things settle down. The big ones? I have yet to accoplish that. It's on the list, but it's a long list and not a simple task. You have to learn how to manage the initial fear, allow it to run it's course and yet stay in control enough to make sure that you keep yourself safe. It's not easy to let some that your scared of take the time to do what it wants. To rage itself to peace again. Harder still when you don't know why it's happening. But you do it none the less. You take all the tools, tips and techniques the medical world has armed you with and you grin and bare it. Kinda like sitting out a tornado in the basment except the disaster is in your head and you can't hide from it. But you need to almost take on a second persona, a drill sargent if you will. Another voice that comes in above the insanity and starts barking orders on how to breath, etc. And you do what he says if you wanna make it through this sucker. Granted your gonna be messed up from it when it passes, I mean that is just the way it goes, but it's weathered.

Big ones.....NOPERS. No clue on how to handle them yet. Son of a bitch kept me up till 6am friday night. Fuck, I don't know what's the most disturbing part of it all. The plain and simple "I don't know why this is happening?" factor is scary. The speach patterns, warpped ideas, just how you as a person and your mannerisms change is creepy. The thoughts in your head, umm not even going to touch those ones. And in the big ones, I disociate badly. It started and proceeded to a point where I actually thought I was dead. The sad thing, I wish I was right and not dillusional.

Soon my pretties, soon.....

I totally had these pirates when I was a kid. Lego rules, matey. Yarrr!

I have some fairly horrid stuff in my music collection. It's pretty funny because I don't know where the vast majority of it came from. People always send me songs. I like that :) There are friends I have who mirror my tastes fairly accuretly, then there are the other ones. Heh, it's a tricky thing when your friend sends you pure utter shit. You shake your head and go WTF? First WTF comes from why the hell would anyone wanna listen to this pussy bull shit radio friendly song? Second WTF, why the fuck do you think I'd like this. I know I listen to pretty much everything, cept jazz. I think I mentioned that earlier in the pages of this moster piece. Thank god that annoying song is gone. This one is much better, I picked this one myself :P

Does any of us really know anyone as well as we think we do? I'm not sure who I am, maybe none of us really do, but I have the balls ( haha figurativly ) to admit it? I love all my questions. No one ever answers but I don't mind that. People reading this aren't my concern. It's here, look if you want, leave if it offends...whatever. I don't honestly ever expect anyone who can answer my questions. You can't have one person speak for the whole world. You get those who try....*cough* Self important *cough*

Well this song is over, hopefully let's not experience another horror given to me by someone else. YES, another one of mine :D Regardless, it's time for me to fix my musical mess. I know I fucking hate organizing, I hate planning, it's all so boring and redundent. Yet, at the same time I don't think I can stand these shit songs popping up all the fucking time.

Now all's I have to do is wait and see if the parents are comming down for the weekend. They promised they'd call and let me know one way or another this time. Instead of just showing up on the doorstep when I lived in another city. God, that sucked....never had the bong hidden. Haha, they never noticed anyways. If they did they said nothing. I don't think my mom even knows what one looks like. Dad's another story, but again no one said anything. It's not like they don't know.

Anyways time to find another way to kill friday afternoon. Weekend = good stuff, even if the rents show up. Provided of course that my mom behaves herself and doesn't drive me up the wall crazy.

Brain Vomit

*sigh* Well I'm here and I'm cold. Status quo, day time hours usally spent the same way weekdays in and out. It's not that bad, I guess I just wish I had some company. But what else is new? :P

So I got a call from a super old roomate. I think the last time I seen this guy was last year. He wants some movies or games or some crap back. Whatever, they're here for the taking. I don't want 'em. But it's funny how you don't hear from some people unless they want something. Heh, makes things alot clearer now doesn't it?

I am at a strange impass. I don't know what to do. My mind is at unrest. I feel as though I'm being pulled into the undertow. I'm treading water as fast as I can, but I know I'm prolly going to go down with the ship. Yet, I've managed to keep avoiding the slip. Now how do you do that? I could make alot of money if I had a system but I don't really.

What I've currently been using as a method of coping is escapism. Not the classic booze and drugs although I can't plead innocent on that one, but it's more of day dreams. I create a whole new world and I spend my alone time there. Everything is new and untouched. Any and everything are a possiblity. The places and people change after I'm done playing in their world, but I always find a new one to go to. Normal? Healthy? No fucking clue. But it takes the pain away.

This is where my problem arises. IS what I'm doing healthy. The normal thing I couldn't care less. I just want to know if alternate realities with made up people and places is a good way to cope. It feels like it is. The places my mind takes me to are beautiful. They take the place of any other thoughts that may try and get into my head and keep them at bay. Seems like a good thing, but is it? By doing this am I simply just post-poning the problem? Is what I'm doing for comfort hindering my recovery? I don't know.

I've done this for most of life. I have always had a very vivid life like imagination that was easy to get lost in and day dream. I think that's good, everyone should disconnect from their reality from time to time. It's good for some peace of mind. In the same sense I don't feel like this is something to bring up with my doctors. I'm so afraid that it's "wierder" then normal. That's the fucking bitch of this all. You just don't know. All you know is what you've learned, and this is what I've learned.

So, once again, what's the lesser of two evils? Is it better to feel this. To suffer through this. To take it like a man and suck it up? Or is it better to be lost in a world of make beleive until this sorrow passes? Can it pass if I don't feel it? Or will it fade with time? I don't know.

Good news! My muse didn't kill themself, they were just on extended vacation!

So usually "a muse" is a beautiful woman. Now I can appricate a beautiful woman, you got it baby, flaunt it honey. It's all cool with me, never been the jealous type. But my muse doesn't fit the norm. Why should it? Nothing else I do does. So indeed this scary man brings out the creativity I deny myself from expressing. Haha, I need something wicked to force me with sheer fear. Do it, or he's sticking around until you do.

It seems he has given me the ability to write again. The writers block I've been hit with for the past 10 fucking years has lifted. Poetry is in my soul, something has taken up residence in the waste lands. This is very exciting for me because it sybolizes some sort of hope.

Writing has always been the most intimate thing for me. I lost my passion for it and it stopped letting me use it's lingustics to make beauty or pain or whatever they hell else I wanted. But to me, beauty is pain. I know I sound like a masochist...and perhaps I am. Given some of my expirences I could earn that title. But seriously there is a certain beauty in pain. It's hard to see but it's there. You find it by opening up the doors and allowing yourself to express it in your own way. The insperation it brings produces something of beauty. Even if it's scary or haunting.

Anyways, I don't feel I can properly express myself on this one. I lack correct words. Perhaps if I put any sort of effort into where I was going with the posts I could plan ahead. But I dunno. There is something that seems very strange about staging what you're going to write about. I've always done it by random, dating back to school essays. So who knows? I don't even care to tell you the truth.

Calling all cooties!

Ohh Mr. Burns. How do I love thee. Seriously best character ever, but I digress.

So yet again, I wake up with the cooties. I fucking hate winter....yes the meter reading thing totally feeds into it. How could it not? You go out and play in -50 degree's all winter for 5 years and I'm sure you'll agree. If you live in my neck of the world anyways. But cooties and winter go hand in hand for me. I don't know why but I'm pretty much sick all fucking winter. Gah. O well I guess I'll be taking alot of magical mystery tours with the benyln and the neo-citrian. Haha, I'll admit it's pretty funny to be all messed off cold meds sometimes. And hell might as well go into this on a positive note cause it's happening anyways.

Wow, I just looked at my desk. I have amassed a nice assortment of crap in a short period. Yay! I like clutter, I can't help it. To me, it's not clutter. It's life. It's clues to who I am. I'll be honest being in a seriously clean home freaks me right the hell out. It looks like no one lives there. But you know that they do. I had a friend whose parents house was like that. Seriously,

always felt uncomfortable.

I have a few decisions I need to make and get back to Paulette. I think I've made my mind up to atleast one. That's a big old NO on the H1N1 vacination. I'm lucky enough to fall into a high risk catagory. Wooo! Wait. Booo! Me having asthma makes me prone. Aswell as my age range and gender. Apperently it's taken out alot of women in their late 20's to early 30's. Me? Whatever. West Nile didn't scare me, avian bird flu I constently screamed I had it but was just kidding...hmm what else was suppose to kill us? Ohhh, Y2K. Fuck that was stupid. I remember watching the masses freak out and buy "survial supplies." So dumb. And now we're all terrified of swine flu. That will pass, but hey we got the next thing that's gonna "kill" us comming up. 2012!

Fuck that bullshit is annoying too. When the fuck are people going to start acting with some sort of marked intellegence. Ya know, instead of running around finding things to freak out about.

Ahhh people. You can't kill them or you'll probablly go to jail. Haha but atleast they'd be scared of something that's definitly out to get them. Me avec knife. :D

If only J would wake up!

Hahahaha, man that makes me laugh. Stupid pictures are one of the few things I still like on the internet.

So it's been an fast/slow few days. It feels like someone has a remote and their 3 year old is pushing fast forward and pause. Whatever, I'm not even sure that makes sense. Alot of things don't make sense to me.

I can't relate.

Nothing. I think it's a pretty good indication that my brain is up to it's old antics. When I get so disociated I don't even think most things are real. Illusion, I think that's what we live in. Or, we're a bunch of Sims...if so please don't build a kitchen fire and place me in the middle of it. I know, I know, so guilty of doing it to them. But technically they were marked for horrid deaths before they we're created.

Makes me wonder. You get all these christains telling you god has a plan, and blah blah blah. Everything is as it's suppose to, blah blah blah. Then why the fuck would you do this to my head? Fucker. That is if you're out there. I don't have a religious belief....I just don't care. I don't think any of them are right. Seriously, if the world does have some sort of creator do you honestly think you're smart enough to figure out the master plan? I'd call you an ego-maniac.

The whole thing, not just the christians but zelots from all faiths, just seems so bizzare. A bunch of crazy gods and goddesses that you think control your fate? Really? Doesn't that take personal responcibility out of it? And stop before you give me that god gave us the ability to make decisions. That completely conctradicts the plan crap. Plans need steps to work, they usually kill the hell outta you're freedom....side note, I hate plans...they just fuck up anyways. I don't even know why I'm talking about this.

In the end, every life is singular. Atleast that's how I see it. That indeed gives an individual to choose to beleive or not anything they want. I have no problems with people who follow a philosiphy ( they remain as philosiphies to me ). I guess I just don't understand why. Shit happens, fated or not, either way we don't know the answer. We never will so long as we breathe and depend on this frail body for our vehicle. So why worry? Random or not, we don't know. We just need to figure out what to do from that point on.

Ohh...Rocket Man just popped up on the player....haha yes I like Elton John too. Fuck you if you have a problem with that. He's awesome :)

"...burning out his fuse up here alone...."

How about we play question and answer?

So we have Mr. Kenny Rogers. What?!?!?! You like Kenny Rogers? I do. There is much about me that I like to keep shhh quiet. But this of course pays hommage to my favorite Kenny Roger's song, The Gambler. Has one of the best quotes I've ever heard in lyrics. "Every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser." That line is one that really hits ya were it matters for me. Because it's one of the best sumations I've heard given to life, in a quite simple manner. You're born, you get dealt a hand of cards to play. Nothing is impossible, even if you got fucked over and ended up with a bad hand, that doesn't mean it's your destiny. It's all what you do with what you got. Now it may be harder to win your hand when it ain't looking so good, but a good enough player can turn it around. Thanx Kenny, that theory has gotten me through much.


So I try to keep this to straight talking, and exposing. My pyschatrist thinks I need to write this out. So ya, I usally keep to the pondering. But today we're gonna make alittle different of a post, because after all, life is damn boring when nothing ever changes. So in the spirit of my Kenny Rogers admission I'm going to do one of those question answer things that flys around the internet. Don't worry, you prolly won't see one again.....or if you do, it will have to be severly different and a long ways down the road before I do it again.

So yah, some crap about me, might aswell:

FEMALE SURVEY: DON'T CHICKEN OUT GIRLS!
Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Hah, nope. Good luck on that one, it's wierd :D

What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Humour baby. All about making me laugh hysterically...oh and not to give me pervert vibes.

Are you a girly girl?
I'm part girly girl, part tom boy, part pary girl, part crazy...I don't choose to fit into any group. Not a sheepole thanx! :D

Big or small purses?
Depends on where I'm going and what we are doing. If i'm going out for the night, I usually give my stuff to J to keep in his pocket so I don't have to worry about losing things.

Do you enjoy drama?
Fuck no. Drama queens need not apply to have anything to do with me. I've had enough of their bullshit in my life. I'm too old to be part of or start drama. Like seriously people, most of you have been outta highschool for along long time.

Did you dress up on Halloween?
No, not this year, I waited too late and couldn't find anything good :( Next year for sure. Halloween is the best!

Do you call anybody by their last name?
A couple people here and there.

How many guys will read this just because it says "FEMALE SURVEY"?
I don't care. I don't think anyone will read this...and again I don't care. I'm doing this to kill boredom for awhile.

Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?.
Yah-huh! For someone who didn't start wearing make up till after school I think I can do a pretty fine job!

Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Hahaha, yes....often

Eyeliner or mascara?
If I'm bothering to put make up on, then I'm going all out. Both!

American Eagle or Hollister?
I'm not your damn billboard. They can both take their preppy un-original styles and fuck themselevs. Such brand names actually will infulence me NOT to buy something, in the majority of circumstances.

Heels or Flats?
Heels....shemxxxy!

Straight or curly hair?
I prefer having straight hair, even though it seldom behaves itself. :P

Hoops or dangling earrings?
My little pink hoops I got when they pierced them in the first place. Those things are hard to get out and them put back in. So I leave 'em, they're comfy and that's what counts.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yea, who hasn't? Thanx for the reminders jerk face.

Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
I don't care. It's their body they can do whatever the hell they want to it.

Do you have a best friend?
Indeed! :D

Do you like your life?
It's getting better. A team full of doctors and medical people have helped me come leaps and bounds from day one. But sadly I'm not yet at the point where happiness comes easy.

Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
Haha yes, many times.

Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
No, being soggy is yucky.

Ever slapped a guy in the face?
Haha, only one ex. He's like the only person I've ever physically smacked around. In my defence I thought he was gonna crack me one first.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More then I'd like to admit.

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yea, again I think that's fairly normal.

Do you ever wish you were famous?
Actually I do. I could use my money and fame to bring attention to important causes and be able to contribute actual money that could help out the less fortunate.

IN A BOY:

Preppy or Punk/Goth?
I'm not interested in any guy who has an interest in labeling himself.

Contacts or Glasses?
Again, their body, they choose. Eyeware isn't going to make me like someone any less. You'd have to be pretty damn shallow for it to make a difference.

Good cook or take you out a lot?
I like a mix of both. But when it's time to cook we do it as a group activity...it's more fun!

Funny or Serious?
Funny. Please just give me a reason to smile. I don't respond well to the stoic and serious, they make me feel very uncomfortable.

Cute or Hot?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Looks don't matter to me. Haha, I have one ex who totally supports that one. God was he and ugly fucker....and just a flat out fucker, haha.

Smoker or non-smoker?
Non smoker would be nice, but again the whole their body to do with as they wish

Tall or short?
Taller than me, but I'm only 5 foot nothing. So, it's not really all that hard! :)

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Tell him "No way dude, I'm married. I wasn't a cheater when I was dating, I'm not going to start fucking around now that I'm married." Just straight up.

RANDOMS:

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
I think so, puzzles and logic are some of my greatest strenghts.

When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with a friend?
Oh man, high school with letty.

Who's the last person you had a sleepover with?
Does Jordan count? He always sleeps with me. Sometimes when I visit home my mom will come and sleep with me. :D

Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them?
Haha, all the time. I am anti-social a good chunk of the time. I just don't trust people.

Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand it?
The only people who fall into that catagory are people I really don't like. In that case I can't even stand what they're saying. All I hear is, "blah blah blah, I'm stupid, blah blah blah." Heh, heh, heh.

On average what do you think you cry about the most?
When my brain malfunctions and my disorders "come out to play." :(

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?
I do. Miss that guy, he lives too far away.

Who was the last guy you talked to?
Mark

Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Yes, to an extent for a period of time. But I think if you're really best friends you make up no matter what. Cuz really, your life is just so much better with them in it.

Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot?
Yes!

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I hope so. Alteast one good thing makes it seem worth it to go on.

Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?
Pick the topic, I'll give you the friend to go to.

What friend do you tell the most to?
Jordan hears everything.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Jordan...defintily. I was pissed!

Are you going anywhere next summer?
I'd like too! :)

Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?
No, but I think I'll call J when this is all said and done.

Are you shy?
No, stand-offish is a better word for me. Again, major trust issues.

Are you talkative?
If I like you, yes. Although sometimes I like the company, but I feel like a people watching mood.

Do you secretly like someone?
No.

Do you announce when you have to pee?
Haha, I do. I'm pure class!

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Jordan is pretty much the only non medical professional that sees me cry.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes...especially the rage and the pure hatred I'm haunted by.

How is life going for you right now?
It's up in the air, and I'm not sure which way is the best way to go. Life is a challenge at said point in time.

Do you trust people easily?
Haha, already been covered a few times. NO, but then again I'm paranoid.

Do you give out second chances easily?
I do. But I shouldn't. I just end up getting fucked over again, so in the future I've made the decsion that if you fuck up bad enough, you're gone. Not if's, and's, or but's about it. You are dead to me.

Do you smile a lot?
I don't think so. :( Not much here makes me smile. I'm never happy in this city, it's no fun at all.

One thing you're looking forward to?
Maybe finally getting to learn how to play my guitar. Two of my friends can both play and offered to teach me! :D Now I just have to find my guitar in my boxes of moving stuff.

How do you feel about change?
What are we changing? I need to know that to make the ultimate decision. For the most part I welcome it. I get bored easy.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes, I've done worse things then that....

Last time you got a text message and smiled?
Haha, those pervert jokes Amanda sends me.

Have you ever made anyone laugh when they were crying?
Haha, yes!

Are you happy?
This is the 3rd fucking time you've asked a question like this. No for the last god-damned time. Now quite trying to bring me down.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
No, they all needed to go. Our time together ended as it needed to.

Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself?
I like having a few people around. You actually have a chance of having an interesting converstation/friendly debate. I don't like large crowds.

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Yah, I'm a country girl. I've been camping a million times and know lots of wilderness do's and don'ts! :D

So anyways, there's some pointless crap about me. I again had nothing nice to say, so I said something way the hell off what I'm thinking. I can't articulate to my fullest capacity the things I am thinking. Perhaps, I'll be able to sort it out and ramble about something alittle more deep. But hey that's writers block for ya!

Hahaha, I love Irony!

Heh, heh, heh....Thanx Ambis. This picture always makes me giggle. Next halloween it's inspired me to do something awesome with my pumpkin. I have a whole year to plan, Muahaha!

So ya, I'll admit I am someone who takes pleasures in other peoples misery. But not on every occasion. 99% of the world falls into the catagory of empathy, that last 1% however are subject to every evil wish and intention I could hope on someone. I can't help it if I find it funny that someone who made my life hell for longer then necessary is having terrible luck. Ha....haha....hahaha. Ya fuck you, I know I'm being a Cartmen. I don't care. There are a few people on a list that karma needs to wack on my behalf. And no, I'm not being crazy here. I have been seriously screwed over by my share of people. Why'd ya think I"m so caustic and seemingly hostile? People is about all the answer you need. So if you think I'm a terrible person that's fine, I already do. But I get my "ha-ha's" in while I can because sometimes my life goes along time without any.

So other then the hysterics not much is going on. Had awesome homemade pizza last night. My friend made the dough herself! She was nice enough to invite us over to make one of our own. Soo Yummy. Haha, cept we forgot to put the pizza back in the fridge last night....I wanted a late night snack. And then *thud* ZzzzZZzzzzz.

We sleep so much better here........

"Wow...this lemonade...it tastes...sooo yellow" - J

Hehehe, tiny monkey! I wish I had a tiny army of them with the ebola virus...Muahahaha. Then I'd have an evil tiny monkey army! That's so what I'm asking for this year for Xmas.

The quote at the title, so much funnier if you were there, but whatever I'm lazy today and don't feel like being all that creative.

So what do I feel like? Well my horiffic stomach pains have decreased. They're not all gone, but atleast I can sit at my computer today and not suffer to terribly for doing anything besides lying down with a hot water bottle on my stomach. Oh and the Neo-Citrian...been drinking that stuff like mad. Not really for the sick factor, but of all the cold/flu meds out there that's the one that's gonna knock me out. Tastes like how I imagine Lemon flavored Zombies to taste like. Which ='s blech.

Almost 3...god do I hate the day time. There is nothing to do. The most exciting part of my day is lunch when I get to take my pills. Wooo! After that I have zero responcibilities. Now I know this going to sound absurd, but I wish I had some things to do. Something to keep me busy, brain focused on other things instead of it's usual unhealthy obbessions that come with the territory.

Bah, this isn't going anywhere. Alot of the times I just start writing and I'll find a topic to ramble about. Today it's not happening.

Give a big round of applause for apathy!

Idiots with a soap-box

Stupid, cocksucking, ass licking, mother fucking pieces of shity garbage.

*breath* There now that feels better.

Now for the reason of my cussin' spree. Well facebook always has "gems" of wisdom to share. I've been thinking about killing my account for along long time, but I haven't. Problem is that there are a few people far away I'm still intrested in communicating with. Unfortunatly facebook has become the easiest way to do it. I remember ages ago when it was MSN messenger. Yah, not so much anymore.

So anyways this guy married to a friend of mine decided he would bash the suicidal. Yes, and his friends, cept one girl, and my apprent friend all jumped on bored. Apperently we do it for attention. I mean it's "not like it's that hard, eezy peezy," from one ass. And I quote. Also "Looking to place the blame on other people" right outta my supposed friends mouth.

EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

1- If you think killing yourself is easy, Mr. Asshole, please go and try it. I bet you, you couldn't do it. Now being able to do it is nothing you should strive for. None the less, I've sadly heard countless stories of people who tried to end it and failed. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I have been one of "those" people more then a few times, but the number stays with me.

2- Selfish? Hmmmm. See this is a case where the two worlds don't understand each other. Except one is too fucking stupid to see it another way. When someone gets to the point where they are ready to throw in the towel, to say fuck it and walk away, something is VERY wrong with that person. They are ill. If they hurt so much that death is the only way to find peace they need help. Not to have names tossed at them by jerks who don't get it. The reality of my suicide attempts/obbsessive thoughts about it, may not be and probably is not the same for everyone else. None the less they are there. Do I want those thoughts? NO. Do I have those thoughts anyways? YES. You see it's not something I control. Sometimes my brain short circuts and says "alright today is the last." I dunno if you've ever tried arguing with the voices in your head, you never usally win. So I think lack of compassion is more suited then selfish.

3- Placing the blame on other people. Really? That's what I'm trying to do? I wasn't aware I was blaming anyone for anything. What should I do? Yell at a science poster that markes the places in the brain where mine differ and made me this way? So if I kill myself I'm doing it to place blame on my brain or sicence? Or is it my gentics? Hey ya...gentics! I should go yell at my grandmothers grave...she gave me the genes. Then proceed to hunt down my great grandfathers' grave, since he gave those genes to her. Yah I'll piss on that one. *eye roll* Someone help me out here, cuz apperently I'm blaming someone but I'm really not sure who that is. But I LOVE when people tell me why I do things/think things. I had no idea there were so many fucking doctors out there.

Fucking ignorant whores. They don't know and will never know what it's like. In extreme cases of ignorance is about the only time I pull this one out. I hope each one of them who participated in bashing people with serious problems have children. And of those children I hope they all get atleast one child with a horrid disorder that short circuts their brain from time to time and they attempt suicide. Heh, I honestly hope some of them succed. Creul, yes. But sometimes that's what it takes.

I'm sick of people telling me why I do things. Although it is intresting to see what your "friends" really think when they have no idea such a problem affects someone they've claimed to care about. The best thing for me to do is to sever contact as much as possible. I don't have anything nice I want to say. In fact, I wanna say the meanest most hurtful things I can cook up. Whether I mean them or not, or whether they're even the truth or not. I'm out for blood, so I should probablly just keep my distance.

Although, it might be fun to let scary Amanda outta the cage again for awhile........It's okay. If suicide is such a selfish thing to do then they can just wait for my next psycotic episode. Last time I thought I was the Angel of Death. I'm serious you guys can ask my hubby. So as the Angel of Death it was my mission/duty to cleanse the world. Yah, I was sick. So how about next time I just come and pick every single one of them off. My inner Angel of Death thinks such intollerence and callousness towards you're fellow human beings justly calls for death.

And yes you judgemental whores, I don't just flip suicidal, I also flip homicidal.

P.S. Have your face ripped off by a grizzly you fuckers.

For the rest of you, bye byes.

Piggy - NIN = a glimps of what part of my brain is saying

hey pig

yeah you

hey pig piggy pig pig pig

all of my fears came true

black and blue and broken bones you left me here I'm all alone

my little piggy needed something new

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I just don't care

hey pig

nothing's turning out the way I planned

hey pig there's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand

what am I supposed to do?

I lost my shit because of you

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I just don't care

nothing can stop me now

you don't need me anymore

nothing can stop me now

nothing can stop me now

nothing can stop me now

Another Monday, Another Week

Monday...please take Grannies advice. The rest of those jerks out there, Grannie also has some advice for you.

Well it's cold, as per usual these days. I hear my in-laws chatting. I dunno, it's always alittle wierd being here when he isn't. I hope we get our tax return soon, that may aid us in getting the hell out of a joke of a hicktown gone thinks it's a city. As well as this lame province, haha, I'm sorry I'm just so utterly unhappy here. The only good thing this place has going for it are it's doctors and community medical personal. That's it. I will give that city this much....although going to the ER is pretty much a waste of your time. If you wanna wait for 2-4 hours in the waiting room, be my guest.

So I know some stuff, it makes me annoyed. It proves the sentiments I've been echoing for quite some time now. I hope it finally sets in. You can't deny at this point. But in the end it is all inconciquental ( no clue how wrong I spelt that :D ). In the true end, I don't give a fuck. I really don't. What gets to me is the degree of fakeness, and the degree some people are willing to let it run to. How can you be so two-faced and shallow, yet pretend that everything is a-ok. Like, it's not doing me any benefit, don't flatter yourseleves. I think they're driven to behave in a way that makes a good apearence. "I'm not a bad person because blah blah blah." It's bullshit. I maybe outspoken but atleast I won't back stab you. Loalty is what it really comes down to what matters most in any relationship I have. If I doubt it, I doubt you. Not many have done much to change my mind.

If the people only knew what was said behing their backs. Haha, pretty nasty shit. Let them have their sweet delusions, reality comes crashing the party at some point. Oh, and they are shitty parties on a parting note!

Sniffy & Snotty

I love fractles...they're about they only thing I like about math. Trust me I have no idea how to make them. I think they tried to teach me that....? I dunno, I was liquored up often in grade 12 math class, haha it definitly helped make that class alittle more "fun." Anyways I figured I sucked at math in the first place so alittle booze ain't gonna make a difference. Oh, and my teacher was an idiot. He told us flat out that he wouldn't help anyone with a question, we should have learned it from his earlier teachings. Fucker. Only reason I passed is my good friend was in the class and he is a math wiz. He was constantly tring to fix/help me out with me work. He's a cool guy, I wish I could see him again...cept he lives in a new country now. Oh well, one of these days :)

Yesterday was halloween. We tried watching some horror movies. The 1st one we put on was bad! Low-track baby. It looked like some horrid art student film. The cam work was that freaking amuture. The movie was suppose to based on the true story of the Zodiac Serial Killer. It was NO WHERE even close. They fucked up the 1st victim story completely, and for some reason there was a psyic chick?!?!? WTF, so it pissed me off. We shut it off at the 15-20 min mark....20 being pretty optimistic. Don't tell me true story and then attempt to feed me crap. I know my serial killers. They happen to be a passion of mine, or an intrest level if that makes you feel more comfortable with it. So ya boo, hiss, thumbs way down.

My kitten is spaztic as hell right now. I think I'm going to go fight him. Or maybe eat? I dunno...

There comes a time in your life when you realize :

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won't anymore...

And who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Some food for thought my friends :)

Where is my pause button?

So I have my appt with Dr. M today. I have no idea how that is going to go. J prolly won't be able to make it with me. Which scares the fucking hell outta me. He's always there. I don't know how to do it without him. It's too scary, too intense. Gah, in just over an hour I'm going to be sitting in that chair talking. Yah, that couch thing, never had it happen. I'd prolly take a nap if they let me lie down.

This is all annoying. I'm going to have to get ready soonish to go. I still don't know if hubby can take me or not. And if he's not, umm I don't know who is. Fucken hell, pyschitrist days I don't like to be chaotic. I like them as low key and easy as possible, heh cuz I never quite know what is waiting for me behind closed doors. Bah my phone alarm just went off reminding me of my "lovely" appointment with the good Dr. M in an hour.

Crap hell damn, this week is FULL of things I don't wanna do. Like that funeral, I'm sure that's going to be awesome.

Maybe I should colour?

I love monkeys. They're stinky, obnoxious and throw crap at people. I wish I could throw crap at people. Haha gross I know but nothing says I hate you like poop. Ahh, someday when I loose my marbles again.

Well my great uncle Eddie died saturday. I just found out yesterday. Very odd, he took such care of himself. So it was a pretty big shock. I don't know when the funeral is, as of yet. He had his massive fatal heart attack while in the states, so first we need to get the body over the border before anything can really be planned. The only plus is I get to go shopping, I have nothing "nice" for cold. Heh, I usally just run around in my jammie pants in the winter. They're fleecy, have pictures of an angry carebear and are blue tough to talk me into changing them. But yes all irellavent. I have 3 appts this week, so I guess we'll see if any need to cancelled. All in all we'll just have to see.

This is the 2nd time in '09 death shadows creepin in and taken. Somedays I wish it would come for me...probably more then it's healthy too. If it ever is healthy to want such things. I ain't a Dr. so it's not my job to figure it out. That's why they make the big bucks.

I gotta go, my keyboard battieries are going to quit on me. >:

Sometimes I hate when things I like get popular, but on the other hand...

So since the launch of Rockband Beatles it seems like everyone is on board now. Which is kind of annoying because I was digging this stuff as a child. My parents always played music when we went on car rides....and we went on ALOT of car rides. Eventually when we got old enough, I was like 8, they use to let us play their old records on the record player. So awesome. I know all these classic songs by so many different artists of different genre's. It's pretty great, cept I don't wanna get lumped in with the "Ohh this is popular now, so I love it" crowd. If it all died tommorrow I'd still be a fan.

My favorite song by them was always "while my guitar gently weeps." Thanx George! Now I'm not sure if that's what normal kids like....haha I wouldn't know I wasn't a normal kid. Another favorite "Paint it black" by the Stones. Again morbid child, they should have seen this train wreak comming.

I've always been drawn to the sad songs. Maybe it had all set in much longer then we thought. I dunno, but anyways it's time for me to go.

And my guts continue to hate me, Grrr

I took a which South Park character quiz, I got Butters! I love poor Butters. I've been cheering him along since he really got a part in the show around the 01-02 point. I always felt bad for the little guy cuz everyone hated him yet he was the only innocent; the sweetest little guy in town. So I celebrate being Butters, cuz at least I know I'm not an asshole. *heart* Butters *heart*

I'm trying to decide what to do. See I have a plot for J's xmas/b'day gift. His B'day is Dec. 23 so ya he gets 2 gifts in one go. I always do that for my J. See my mom's b'day is Dec.22 so for years I seen her get only 1 gift for both occasions. I always thought that was lame. I mean my b'day is in May so no one can really pull that stunt on me. Anyways, I already got him a B'day present and and Xmas gift...hehe I gave them to him early, as I hate making people wait. But I thought of something else. It's umm kinda pricey, but I don't give a crap about that. I know he'll like it. Just a couple problems, for me to go and pick it up is going to suck. I'd have to do it while he's at work and he takes the car, so that puts me on foot. This thing not exactly small so I have a big thing to lug home plus the "where the hell do I hide this" factor. And to top things off he has my debit card at the moment. So I suppose we'll see how this all goes. I'm crossing my fingers I can pull this off. :D

My guts continue to bleed mysteriously along with the horrid stomache cramps I've been experiencing at night. It's getting to the point where maybe I should go see Dr. R, even though Dr's scare the crap outta me. I suppose it'd make more sense to see the Dr. on call, but I won't see a male Dr. for this sort of thing. Being that I don't know what diagnosising this/what tests they'll run on me, I want my own Dr. I trust her, unknown Dr.'s not so much.

I don't really know what to say. Except I wish I had the ability to make heads explode. Just give me 5 freebees. Give me 5 people whose heads I can explode and get off scott-free. I know who fills 4 of those spaces, #5 will be determind at who else I'm pissed at most that given day. *sigh* If only there was a genie for that. Haha, a girl can dream.

Anyways it's cold sitting here by the puter, I think I'll make a couple phone calls to break up the bordom of a monday afternoon.

Holy crap it's actually warm!!!

Yay! It's plus 16!!! Woooo! It's been minus whatever for what seems like forever now. We're gonna have BBQ tonight :D I love BBQ.

Last night like 2 am - 2:30 am we seen a porcupine run through the front yard. Haha, it was pretty funny. I am glad we we're in the car though. I know they're harmless if you leave them alone and all. But barbed quills scare me.

Anyways I'm off to do something with this fantastic saturday.

3 more hours of suck

Today I don't really know what to say. Last night was hard. My brain just would shut the hell up. Do any of you expirence that too? It was just chatter chatter chatter! It was having a conversation with itself about things I didn't want to hear about. So strange how the mind works. I just wish I knew where the mute button was. God, it was like a never ending therapy session so I had to pull a no-no. I popped 3 sleeping pills. I am NOT even suppose to have them, but it was the only answer I could come up with, and it worked :) See I'm not suppose to have 'em cuz I'm taking a Beni aka benzodiazepine aka tranquilizer. And I'm at the highest dosage they'll give out of this particular one. So ya they don't like you mixing it with other drugs that sedate. But I didn't have a choice. There was no way in hell I was sleeping otherwise.

It's like being haunted. Everything, all the emotions, all the pain that has scabbed over in time has been sliced right open and all the cuts sting in the open air. I am very angry. I am very spitful. I am very confussed. Yet with all that anger and pure hatered comes a sense of apathy that would chill to the bone. So much I didn't understand as a child equates into so much I don't understand as an adult. It's funny how time and distance fade memories but bring them back to the surface and they're larger then life once more.

I don't know whether to care or not. This shit was so much easier when I just learned to live with out emotion. Only problem with that is that state can't last forever. Eventually they turn back on whether you decide to do it or they do, and then everything thing gets harder because you're so fucking over-stimulated. Bah, what's the lesser of two evils? I don't know.

So that was uhh...fun?

Did I say fun...I ment scary.

So there are some people out there who actually like therapy. I've met them at different workgroups I've particpated in while living here, and in some online help forums I've found. Heh, those forums by the way, the last place you should be going if your sick. There are so many fucking dicks on those sites. You would expect compassion from others plaqued by the same afflictions, but nope asshole-ism wins out in the end. As it usually does. It's funny how brave/stupid people get behind aninimity.

Back on topic, Scary. I hated that hour, and I get to do it all over again next wendesday. *sigh* The things I do in order to achieve sanity. The first wack of sessions are all probablly going to suck. That's where they like to learn about/dig up the past. They actually fish those skellingtons you tossed into the lake, chopped into pieces, stuffed into a trunk with some cynder blocks and bring 'em to the surface. Yay! Wait no..BOOOO! I hope it gets better. I can't take crying for 4 hours after every meeting once a week.

And one finishing thought for you fabulous people :D Anyone who says sanity is over-rated clearly has it. I would make a deal with the super devil to get it.

Chugging Benylin like there's no tommorrow!

Oh yah I got that nice fuzzy brain you get when you start drinking the cold medicine. In this case Benylin, extra strength night time forumla all-in-one. Heh heh heh, I'd be having more fun if I wasn't so wrechedly ill but hey I'll take a buzz wherever I can get it.

I really don't know what to say. Last night I rambled what would be a perfect post but for some reason trying to repeat myself seems dumb. I already "vomited" that out of me so there is no sense in doing it again. Plus I really hate having to repeat myself....one of my weird pet peeves.

I have my 2nd meeting with my new psycologist tommorrow. I have no idea what to expect. Session one was all about a meet and greet sort of thing. Tommorrow I think we may have to do work. Thumbs down...toss them to the lions. I'll be honest I don't want to go. I don't like going to any of these fucking appt's. With the exception of Dr. M. The rest of my brain team annoys me to no end. We'll just cross our fingers and hope for the least scary experience.

One of my conditions to agreeing to see this woman is NO talking about my past. I can't do it. Every time I do I end up shattered for days after. Now sure there are some of you who know some stuff, but no one knows the whole story. And as much as I may trust you, you never will. Like I said, it shatters me. So don't take it personally because it seriously has nothing to do with you or our trust factor. It has to do with me maintaining my sanity. Some skellingtons stay shoved way back in the closet, where they belong.

You see I'm not interested in digging up the past again and again. I don't see the point. What's done is done. It can't be taken back or changed. You just have to move forward with the conviction that you'll make it better. Not anyone else but you. Others can only offer the support or teach you coping techinques. But no one can "save me." I don't know if you've ever had anyone try and save you, but fuck man is it annoying. Take me as I am, or fuck off. Plain and simple. I do this for me, because today I realize that I have to be selfish if it's ever going to get better.

I don't think people understand that. How could they? Unless you've been there your self you really can't understand what it's like to claw, fight and dig yourself outta the pit you were shoved down. You need to be able to have the time to heal. To learn how to heal. That kind of thing doesn't happen over night. And to any asshole who thinks otherwise, once again, go fuck yourself you ignorant bastard.

On a sensless side note yesterday I couldn't remeber the word for grave, so I called it a coffin hole. J and I laughed. So from now on they will always be known as coffin holes. :D

And the snow continues

So it would seem that winter is here, and it's here to stay. I'm not going to bitch about it that much because honestly this happens EVERY year people. It's not like it's a surprise. That being said though, I don't like winter. I end up sick for most of it. Hey, I'm already juiced on the benylin....WOOO! That extra strenght All-In-One, night time forumla. Haha, it's pretty great! I will probably need a nap though, that crap always makes me tired.

It looks like me and J's picnic plans have been thwarted by the snow. That's ok, we can have a pretend one down here and just wait till the next time it's warm to go out side to have one :)

Other then that not much to say. Astaroth is getting healthier....He had infected guts. Poor little guy, but the pennicillian seems to be working. He's such a little food monger he doesn't seem to notice it in his kitty food and eats it up. The last cat I had before that, would have never fallen for such tricks. I think Soxy was some sort of evil master mind though. <3

Well I don't really have anything to say. Just trying to get back into the process of writting. My Psychitrist wants me to do this. Yes, this is one of my forms of therapy....thus the caustic in your face posts. Therapy is an interesting thing if you've never had it. Sometimes you learn something and it's an epiphany moment. Sometimes you sit there and think I could have spent this hour at home playing video games....haha the session goes nowhere. Gah those are annoying.

Anyways I'm off to bother J!

I hate everything :)

And a big thanx to Badtz-Maru for that one. And Yes, I still hate the lot of them. Sometimes I wish I had a big red button that would nuke the fuck outta everything. I don't care if it takes me out too. I've spent some time at that project and always fail. With this plot, I'm gonna do it for sure. Hahah, and take every asshole out there with me. Sorry to the innocents, but I think the assholes have taken control over things. And that boys and girls is why I'm mean and abrasive. Too many fucking jerks.

Someone do me a favor and punch my stomach untill it learns it's lesson on why it's bad to hurt me! No wait....

Hahaha, I dunno why but I chuckle everytime I see this one. Maybe it's cause I'd leave such a bizzare note myself. Whatever the case, today I need some ha-ha's.

I woke up to an angry stomach, that's 4 outta 5 days of it being pissed off about something. Yesterday it behaved at least but ya. I dunno what's with my stomach it's always been bitchy. I remember fighting with doctors and my mom since I was a teenager whether it was an ulcer or not. I always stood by no, I have no reason for an ulcer. So they scanned my guts an million times in various ways and never found one. No matter how many damn times they looked. Haha, they did that here too me once too. It seems no one quite knows what my stomach is doing and why it's doing it. YaY!

I took care of some important business, hopefully it's enough to keep a stupid bitch outta my life. She's been gone for years, I have no intrest in speaking with her again.

This weekend there's birthday party going on. I feel like I have to go, you know obligated. At the same time though, I really don't want to go. I'm just too low. I don't give a fuck about anything. I don't want to go play miss happy sunshine cakes for hours on end. ICK!

Oh and it seems I have managed to pick up a pyscologist. She isn't going to do all the cool aptitude tests with me which sucks....I really wanted to do that ink blot test!!! Looks fun, I wanna scare them by seeing the wierdest shit possible. Heh, when you've played in the mental health system long enough you have to make your own fun. Instead they've decided I need MORE therapy. FUCK. FOR FUCKS SAKES!!! I already have therapy meetings with an RPN/therapist. Now a fucking pyscologist gets added to the roster? Fan-fucking-tastic. I guess we'll have to wait a few appts to see how this plays out. All I ask for is someone who knows what they're doing and has some sort of humanity left in them. I don't respond well to "cold" people trying to help me.