My Creepy Little Thoughts

Yah, this one just makes me laugh. It reminds me of these wierd pictures my sister use to take of toys in various "action" shots complete with backgrounds and traps. Lord were those funny. Cuz after the pictures where finished they'd be turned into an epic movie...haha priceless.

Alright so I flaked on the X-Ray thus far. I know, bad bad me. *slaps self on wrist* I do need to get that done. It still hurts, it still feels gross and gooey in some areas..in some sense of reality I understand that it should be done. But in my defense the timing sucks. Christmas isn't very convient for this sort of thing and with New Years on it's tail, well who really knows. It may come down to January before it happens. But whatever, I'll deal as it comes. There is no possible way that my foot can be as screwed up as it was in the first place and so the pain factor can in no way register as high. And the pain is the thing I don't wanna deal with. Send me to physio, that's kewl. Been there and done that with a knee already, or hell chiropracter....I've had them pop and snap pretty much everything...even my head. But I'll be honest, they'll never touch head or spine again. That was a one time deal. My old chiropracter was funny though. Dr. Sandra thought it was the greatest the that I was small enough that she could litterly just toss me around the room at her leasuire. Haha, she was the best.

Head wise I don't know where I'd put myself. I am indulging in a pretty heavy amout of escapism in a varity of different ways. And I think you can apply more the escapism to it, I also think that the behaviours go deep enough to fall into the self medicating catergoty. I am not behaving. I am trying, I promise you I am trying to be a good fucking girl. But man is it hard. It is just so damn boring. Gah. I can't began to explain to you what the smother of that feels like right now. I do have the feeling I'm heading mixed or down. I would say mania but I know I'm seasonal. So for me to hit mania when I get whacked by SAD'S every year doesn't quite add up. But I guess that's the fun of a mood disorder, it's a tough call, as it will pretty much do whatever it wants when ever it wants. I don't know though, I'm extremly self destructive. I swear the only thing stoping me is this broken foot and the fact that it's hard to get around in winter on crutches.

I need to destroy myself.

I don't know why. I don't understand where this urge comes from. You see it's more then want, it surpass need....it's like it comes down to a primary level. It's an urge...like sex for some people. But I don't care about sex. I am far more intrested in destruction, just in general. And myself seems to be my favorite thing to attempt to dismantle and destroy. Why am I doing this? I wish I could atleast answer that question. I wish 1 of the 5 Doc's I'm working with could give me that answer. I honestly think if I had that reason, if I possed that knowledge, I could stop. Because I would understand the catalyst that pushes it, that triggers it. The reason that allows this sick desire to sink in. I would know what I'm up against. All of a sudden I'm fighting a known enemy instead of some chicken shit who won't even show himself. If I know what's malfucntioning and why, give me some time and I WILL fix it.

Anyways, I'm cold and bored, and apathtic...so catch ya next time motivation strikes.

Out of reach?

Well I'm home alone, which is nice. I don't like having people around during the day, unless you fall into a certain catagory of people I adore. I can never see enough of those guys :) And I miss them all ever so much. Me on another nostalgia kick. I know I drift back on it from time to time but I can't help myself. My friends were more of a family to me then my own was. And I will never forget that kindness. And I will never cease in being greatful even if all that could be done was lending me an ear to listen.

My battle with Topamax continues. Yesterday was pretty good. I only puked once! I spent most of the day feeling good. Today on the other hand, we are back to the norm. It's pretty bad when you've got one of those anti-puke patches behind your ear that they use for sea sickness(they get soo damn itchy after awhile) and gravol pills and are still puking up a storm. Haha, I know, you're very welcome for that mental image. But that's the bitch of this whole mess. The ugly drug, the one not FDA approved on either side of the border for bi-polar, is the most effective one I've been on. Limictal comes in at 2nd. Thus the new combo. But Topamax takes the back seat because my body just can't handle it at it's strongest dosage. Haha, I'm a pain in the ass to treat. I'm lucky my physchtrist likes a challenge. Hahaha.

Yet, inspite of Dr. M's & I's plan, I still lack hope. I can't help it. I know Topamax works, but it only work at high dosages for me. I don't know if going half way on it is going to enough to give limictal at it's max dosage the boost it needs. It's touch and go. It's a guessing game. Neither of us would bet money on it, but really it's the best option to take a kick at. So I'm crossing my fingers, eyes, and well pretty much anything else you can that this is the combo we've been searching for the past 5 years. Man that'd be nice. I just want stability. Grant me stability and I can make everything else happen on my own.

It's really hard to be surrounded by people who don't understand. Bi-Polar, they're getting better with. Borderling Personality Disorder...pfft. Man that one has a real nasty stigma attached to it, it you happen to know what it is at all. Maybe one day I'll post what it's really like. Instead of some Dr. who read about it in a text book and thinks he's the insta-expert. I mean really a book is all well and good; I read a couple on this one myself. Researched it on the web. Reputable sites people. Like the Mayo Clinic and the American Psyc Assocation. But reading it doesn't even scratch the surface. It's one of those things to understand you have to live. And even when you are living it, you still don't get it sometimes. It's so utterly confussing having these strange impulses that you can't seem to control. Like one time I was walking past a piercing shop and right there one the spot decided to get my boobs peirced. Just like that. Total whim. I've always been that way. And for the record, Fucking Hell does that hurt. No tattoo, or piercing I have ever gotten hurt as bad as those 2. Seriously it is something I would never do again.

On a last note, I'm going to end with something that annoyed me the other day. I was having a convo with a friend of mine, and we got onto my brain meds. I mentioned that they make me puke alot. Some chick I sorta know said something to the effect of "great way to get skinny." I bit my tounge even though I wanted to verbally eviserate her. The vast majority of phsyc meds are weight gainers. I know a woman who gained 100 pounds from taking zyprexa. I gained 70 on epival and I was working out 4 to 5 times a week at the gym. Now I've managed to lose 20 of it, but I got alot more to go. Slow and steady so they say. I'll get back to my normal weight, it just doesn't happen over night. So yah, she's either ignorant or stupid in thinking that barfing yourself skinny is a good idea.

Now if you'll excuse me I think I have to go attempt to barf again. Fuck you Topamax, Fuck you.

Call me strange...

Today in the midst of my Topmax filled sickness I decided to consult the I-Ching coins and Tarot Cards. I did them both a couple times, asking about the same situation, but from different angles. Different questions, etc. I honestly think I've found the answer I've been searching for. Now I know there's a ton of you out there who think it's crap. Fine. Your opinion, you're entitled. But if that's the case, so am I.

You see I have been using divination with different oracles since I was 13. I'm pretty good at putting these pieces together. Not many people know I do this stuff because well I honestly don't want to deal with their reaction. Some people know and think it's neat. They want me to read them. But sadly I feel there are too many others out there who are too afraid to open up their minds and give something else a shot. So they just say "it's stupid." Which really translates into "I don't understand it, it scares me because it's unconventional, I have no imagination, and thus there is no way it holds any value."

But I now know how to handle this mess. The oracles have confirmed that for once I've been doing it right from the get go. So that gives me a great deal of piece of mind. I almost broke the other day, but now my convictions are stronger then ever. I continue to take the high road. You continue to be dead. You fucked up. You caused the problem. And it is yours to fix. Instinct was right on the money.

And if you think me basing things on this is "strange and stupid", you're stupid. Knowledge and info can be found everywhere. I just have another set of tools to utilize. They have never lead me wrong. Now if I could only find my fricken Rune stones. I'd love to see what they had to say. Haha the joys of moving 1 million times in 5 years, every box is a surprise package!

It's like de ja vu

Well, well, well Mr. Topamax, we meet again. So anyways, back on this med for the 4th fucking time. This time as a secondary stabalizar to the limictal. Here's hoping we catch the train before it flies off the rails and that my hair doesn't fall out. Heh, yah this drug can do that to you. Last time I took it, it ended with my kindney's bleeding and me having a lobular seziur. Good Times. Now if you'll excuse me I must go attempt throwing up for a 3rd time today. I was only successful once, but the night is young and 3 attempts doesn't touch what this shit can do. Stay classy San Diego.

-45? *cries*

Man I use to love watching that cartoon. Bubbles was always my favorite, and well Mojo Jojo. Evil monkies are really what it's all about.

Well I'm in a foul mood. Blame it on waking up before I wanted to on a Saturday to a birage of sensless swearing. I don't understand some people. It's the same thing every time. Jesus, it's as dumb as complaining about the snow in winter...IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

I'm alittle confused on D's position on life. "well it's normal in other cultures." Why the hell don't people see the problem with the "status quo." They teach us the whole jumping of a bridge anaolgy when we're kids. And as lame as cliches are, well sometimes they're right. Just because something is acceptable in another culture does not mean it's right. I'm not just talking others, our own has it's flaws as well. I'm just baffled how on earth she could take child molestation and actually defend it. What the fuck. I don't fucking care how "normal" it is other places, I still think it's WRONG. Call me ethnocentric. I don't care. It's better then being a fucking Pedo.

There are so many people I hate in this city. I wish I could come up with a way to spite them all collectivly. Killing a ton of birds in one stone. Except replace birds with people. I like birds. :) See I have a whole wack of sneeky individual torments up my sleave. Yet, for some reason, I have failed to play these cards. Kinda like Uno I guess, you get dealt the "evil pick up cards" and then it's all up to you when you choose to screw your neighbor over. In the end this could still be alot of fun.

If there was a mood to put me in, evil, ruthless, sadistic, would all apply :D And that's awesome possum with me. I don't have to impress any of these fucking assholes.

........

What do you do when you can't get away from one of the things that scares you most? All I've come up with is sit in the dark, hide, and make as little noise as possible. Basically I try to be a ghost like as possible. I do not want to make things worse, I don't want to piss off. But I'm at my wit's and possibly sanity's end at this point. Sometimes I wish I could kill with my mind....

Victory! I've hobbled to the computer!!

I'm really not sure why this is a fail. I see it as a win. I'd "kill" to live on a street with such an awesome name. It would be great. Maybe it'd scare off some creditors? "Whoa, she lives on East Bucket Of Blood Street, maybe will just leave her alone for awhile." Anyways, enough. I vote Win!

So I've managed to make it to the computer again. It's now been 2 weeks and 4 days since it got busted. It's been behaving pretty well actually. Most of my foot is back to a normal flesh tone colour. Haha, my toes still look pretty funky, there's some wierd gooey lump on the side of my foot, and some weird rainbow type discolouration along the line where the sole of your foot meets with the top part. Haha, "top part" whatever I didn't take A & P. I heard it was a bitch and went no thanx. Anyways, pain hasn't really been a factor at all. Yesterday it was angry, like super pissed. But that's the first time it hurt bad since when it happened and I can't possibly imagine it hurting that bad again, so I'm not worried about it. Just keep poping those extra strength Advils! It would have been nice to get some pain killers, though. Pain killers = pure awesome if you've never had the pleasure. Haha, sooo goood.

My weeks have become flooded with appointments. It's enough to drive ya crazy, heh. Tuesday I seen my pyschitrist, next day the physcologist. The week before, my mental health nurse. Haha, seriously enough trying to help me. I need a breather. :D But atleast it's going to slow down some what now. 3 of my medical people, I don't see till next year. YAY! I like 'em, don't get me wrong....but crutches and -40 windchill + ice + snow is evil. Funny at the same time though. With the exception of my psycologist, I have to see her every week. Those sessions are so bizzare.

I really don't know what to make of D. She's a nice girl, I think she really does want to help but I don't know if she's the right Doc for me. I've been seeing her since the end of October. We've missed 6 appointments already. 4 of them were her doing. That doesn't say much about her level of professionalism. And I got to be honest they reasons, fairly lame. I can understand having to cancel, it's happened with my GP tons of times over the years. Her kid gets sick or something, that's cool. Well not that her kid is sick, but for her to cancel on account of. I think that's a pretty good reason...I'm not impossible to work with. But seriously D has gotten me to the point where I've lost confidence in her. And her lack of experience is a concern, she makes me feel like somewhat of a guinea pig. I've never been to a pyscologist before D so I don't really know how they work. I know she asks me some dumb questions. Like to define or explain things that I have put in the simplest way possible. It's like she's always trying to play some head game with me. Maybe that's what they're suppose to do? Either way it's annoying as fuck. It's like every session we debate something and she never wins. I don't know why she still insists on this method, but she does. I guess it's a pain because I leave there with nothing new. She basically comes to "discover" things about me that I could have told her about day 1 when I walked in the door. I'm either too confussing for her to understand, or she's dumb. Whatever. *shrug*

And I suppose lastly as of Sunday I'm starting my 2nd mood stabalizer. See I'm already on one, but wierd things are going on in my head right now. It's odd. I've done this dance enough times to recognize my warning signs. Problem is wether it's the verge of Mania or Depression the warning signs are the same. And then I have the Borderline factor to add to the mix. I basically don't know what my brain has planned for me, but it's up to something. So, Dr M,(psychitrist) is putting me on a 2nd stabalizer in hopes we can catch it before we have a massive train derailment.

Do I like the fact that I have to take more pills? No, but that doesn't matter. I HAVE to take them. Therapy is very important, but alot of times you need to pair it up with the meds. So here we go Topamax...for the 4th time. Let's hope this round goes better. The last time I took this drug it made my kidney's bleed and gave me a seziure. Haha, oh the joys of pysc meds. So fingers and eyes crossed, that at a lower dosage it'll be enough to help limictal out but not try and kill me. Hahaha, that's what I'm hoping for anyways. Not dying is always a good thing, inspite of what my brain tells me from time to time. :P

Well I'm gonna end this ramble. It's really long. My ADHD hates it. But it's been awhile so that's the way it goes. Hopefully I'll be more mobile in alittle while! :)

It's about time

Even bears have places to go. Now, I'm not sure exactly what they do when they get there or even where "there" is. But God speed Mr. Bear. I hope you mangle a couple shop keepers for me. Haha, I'm kidding, but I do love bears. <3

Well my foot is doing pretty good actually. Around Christmas they want it X-Rayed again to make sure everything has/is progressing the way it should be. I honestly think it'll be fine. They said 4 - 6 weeks, I bet it takes me 4. You see I am accident prone but I'm also a fast healer, haha. My husband didn't beleive me untill this incident. Apperently me falling down a flight of stairs blacking out and needing a CAT scan wasn't enough but this is! My dad was reading some article, apperently there is a clumsy gene. Man we so have it. My family is a walking gong-show when it comes to finding creative ways to hurt ourselves in seemingly safe situations. Ha, K not always safe, but in those cases you know you're tempting fate so atleast if it happens you can nod your head and say "should have seen that one comming." Haha, but yah it's doing good. I was angry at the lack of pain killers but that's ok, I've come up with my own way of pain killing. Heh, heh, heh. The way I see it, the worst is over. It can never hurt as bad as it did when it happened. So it's all blue skies from here, I'm just a gimp for alittle while.

Tonight is Thursday! I know it seems weird getting excited about Thursday, but it's one evening we're pretty much gaurenteed to be by ourseleves. That's all I ever really wanted. It blows ass to be a married couple with not alot of privacy. It's been a year and 5 months and we have yet to get our own place. But we will. Nothing ever stops me from getting what I want, because I'm willing to do whatever needs to get done to achieve it. I really do have a tenacious ruthless side to me, but I keep it under wrappes most of the time. But you can bet your ass if I need them, they're there for me to tap into.

Some people claim they do things for a reason. And you know sometimes that reason doesn't make any fucking sense, or makes them sound like an asshole. You, shit-face sound like both. You're either a trouble making ass or someone trying to sound like your in control of all your short commings. Either one is possible, you are a fucking ass and you're so full of yourself and have such a hurt ego you would lie to make yourself feel better. That's right, I see through that persona you present. It's all so people will like you because you need that. You need it because you never felt good enough. You still don't. So you go over the top, fail, and then blame someone else. I'm glad I'm not tethered to your sinking ship. Yah, mine has nailed the ice burg but at least I'm trying to get onto a life boat.

It's sink or swim.....and I hope you drown. :D