Chugging Benylin like there's no tommorrow!

Oh yah I got that nice fuzzy brain you get when you start drinking the cold medicine. In this case Benylin, extra strength night time forumla all-in-one. Heh heh heh, I'd be having more fun if I wasn't so wrechedly ill but hey I'll take a buzz wherever I can get it.

I really don't know what to say. Last night I rambled what would be a perfect post but for some reason trying to repeat myself seems dumb. I already "vomited" that out of me so there is no sense in doing it again. Plus I really hate having to repeat myself....one of my weird pet peeves.

I have my 2nd meeting with my new psycologist tommorrow. I have no idea what to expect. Session one was all about a meet and greet sort of thing. Tommorrow I think we may have to do work. Thumbs down...toss them to the lions. I'll be honest I don't want to go. I don't like going to any of these fucking appt's. With the exception of Dr. M. The rest of my brain team annoys me to no end. We'll just cross our fingers and hope for the least scary experience.

One of my conditions to agreeing to see this woman is NO talking about my past. I can't do it. Every time I do I end up shattered for days after. Now sure there are some of you who know some stuff, but no one knows the whole story. And as much as I may trust you, you never will. Like I said, it shatters me. So don't take it personally because it seriously has nothing to do with you or our trust factor. It has to do with me maintaining my sanity. Some skellingtons stay shoved way back in the closet, where they belong.

You see I'm not interested in digging up the past again and again. I don't see the point. What's done is done. It can't be taken back or changed. You just have to move forward with the conviction that you'll make it better. Not anyone else but you. Others can only offer the support or teach you coping techinques. But no one can "save me." I don't know if you've ever had anyone try and save you, but fuck man is it annoying. Take me as I am, or fuck off. Plain and simple. I do this for me, because today I realize that I have to be selfish if it's ever going to get better.

I don't think people understand that. How could they? Unless you've been there your self you really can't understand what it's like to claw, fight and dig yourself outta the pit you were shoved down. You need to be able to have the time to heal. To learn how to heal. That kind of thing doesn't happen over night. And to any asshole who thinks otherwise, once again, go fuck yourself you ignorant bastard.

On a sensless side note yesterday I couldn't remeber the word for grave, so I called it a coffin hole. J and I laughed. So from now on they will always be known as coffin holes. :D