Tweedle dee and Tweedle dumb......

So this is a pic I took while back home. I know the quality isn't the greatest, but hey I took it on an iPhone. So yah what do you expect.

Home was good and home was bad. I'm not touching bad at all. I'm pissed, enough said.

But good was awesome. I got to see my oldest best friend in the world there. Seriously we've been friends for 23 years....man that makes me feel old. So yah hanging out with her was a blast. Embarressing to admit but fun to watch days of our lives with the parents again. I think it's fun because you have more people to cook up strange plot twists. Seeing my nieces and older sis was fun. I wish I would have gotten to hang out more with peoples but yes, my utter annoyance won out in the end.

So now back in toon town. I have 4 fricken appointments this month so that's gonna suck, but hey there are worse fates. My first one is tommorrow, a pysical with Dr. R. It's a good thing I like her. Haha, cept she might scold me for not getting my blood work done. I am notoriously bad for not doing that. But yes only scold, she'd never really yell at me. That's why she's one of the best! And on a plus she's always really fun to talk too. I mean we'll spend 10 mins just chatting. So yah, that at least is a bonus.

Things are taking shape. I have the feeling that change is teetering on the verge and just needs that push. I'm comming at it with a flying body check. Oh yah feet leaving the ice, don't care I'll take the penalty.

P.S. GO LEAFS GO!!!

MIA

So this is a pic snapped outside of my hick aherm I mean home town ;) I miss tree's and forest terribly :( So ya gone till next weekend. Take care everyone!

Duality

I beleive everyone wears a mask in public sometimes. Some people more often then others, but I think we've all faked a good time here or there or something compairable. To be honest it doesn't usually bother me. I understand why we need to do it sometimes. I mean if your friend is trying on something that is ugly but she really really likes.....lie. Let her get it. It doesn't matter if YOU like it, you're not the one wearing it. See I don't understand crushing people for no real good reason, but now to ramble deeper into the point.

I think duality has been and probably will continue to be a big part of me. How can it not be. First I was born a Gemini, that's right the sign of the twins and the eternal child of the zodiac. Next up on the chopping block let's call in bi-polar disorder. I'm expecting everyone to understand the duality of bi-polar, I mean really. If you don't go fucking look it up cuz you're dumb. Then I'm also a borderline. If you know nothing about this one, that's okay. Borderline doesn't get alot of press....not much good press anyways. Most of the shit flying around there about us isn't even true. It's one of those disorders that'll rally villiagers with pitch forks and torches to chase you all over town to lynch ya, if you beleive anything that you haven't gotten from a credible sorce. The fact that they call it borderline though tells you there's a proverbial line drawn in the sand. I mean how can there be a borderline if it borders with nothing? So we're on the same page now.

Take it a step further. Long ago before I came to this fucking shit hole of a city I use to go by 2 screen names, depending on what kind of swing I was in. Some of you out there might remember the days of Bunny Star and Miss Hiss. They were in essence a representation of how I was feeling mentally at any given time I was signed into msn messenger.

If you found Bunny, things were good. Bunny is happy. Bunny likes everything and is fancinated by the world around her. She wants to experience as much as possible because she realizes we only get one life to live that we get to remember at each go around. Bunny is positive.

Now meet Miss Hiss. Miss Hiss aka Hissy is angry. Hissy is full of hate and wrath. Hissy would nuke the world in a second She too wants the vast human experience but often is too busy isolating in her sickness. Hissy is negative.

They are both Amanda. These 2 seemingly different people are one and the same living behind my hazel eyes just waiting to see which one will be called on to come out and play. While I lived in my old province I was frequently Bunny....here man I don't know if I've seen her this side of the border. To be fair though, I make no secrets to how much I hate this place and will leave once it is finacially do-able. Maybe then Bunny will be allowed to return.

Now here's the thing though, even with the duality they have the same standerds. If you make friends with Bunny, she won't turn on you when Hissy decides to come out instead. Hell, I met my husband under the Bunny handle, and I've pretty much been Hissy since. And the same goes for Hissy, she's not going to stab you in the back as soon as Bunny is back. The 2 are very much interchangable to an extent. If one persona tells you something, the other means it aswell. So there is a duality in me, but not to how I treat people.

If you happen to be one of those people who say one thing and then do another...that's not duality. That is the quality of being two-faced. I hate two-faced people. God it's like they think they're so fucking important that they're doing us some sort of favor by lieing through their teeth to our god-dammed faces. To those people, stick your reproductive organs in a blender, if your a chick take the pitcher off stupid, and then regardless of gender press "on" for about 30 seconds. Oh, I know it would take less time to prevent you from reproducing but I'd just like to know you suffered you fuckers :D

Lator Gators!!!

xoxoxoxo

If I could be anything in the world

I want nothing more then to be a ghost right now. I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be heard, I want zero interaction with things that are not in the feild of comforts.

Am I alone on this one? Has anyone else out there just wished they were fucking invisible. Just to be able to vanish in a poof of fucking smoke and come back when things can atleast be at the "okay" mark. I mean at "okay" things suck, but it's a functioning sort of suck. It's not absolute misery. It's not the crawl up and hope you die somehow sort of feeling. Do normal people ever feel that way? Maybe they do? If so do they feel it as often?

I have come to the conclusion unless I hit some sever bi-polar swing I'm probably not going to off myself. I won't write it off completely because a- I have bad voices in my head telling me to do things again, b - I am ridiculously self destructive, and c- sometimes those swings are uncontrollable and you take a kick at it regardless. Heh, it's a good thing I suck at killing myself as much as I seem to suck at life. Regardless, I don't think it'll happen. The borderline in me won't allow it. It'll let me hurt myself but not kill. The reason is simple in it's own messed up way. With borderline you are left with this constent sense of being "bad" or "evil." In some way fucked up and deserving of the pain. So existance is pain.....it always fucking hurts you guys no matter how hard I'm laughing.....know I'm crying twice as hard on the inside. But yes I essentially beleieve that I deserve to suffer ergo I cannot kill myself because death would bring peace and I am not worthy of something so wonderful. If the logic is too fucked up to follow, um don't feel bad....it is fucked up logic.

That's the kicker in all of this. See, I can know that my thoughts are wrong sometimes. Heh, not all the time though. So even if I do have a moment of clairity when part of my brain inturpts the unhealthy self crucfixtion, it still gets over rulled. It's annoying as fuck. I hope that sometime within the next couple years they can teach me how to listen to the other voice. For now though, I always beleive the mean one. Then again what do you expect I beleive the only reason I'm here is to suffer, so then of course I'd most often listen to the jack-ass voice.

God I'm self destructive. I just can't think of anything stupid/dangerous enough to do yet. I hope I come across something. Nothing let's you know your alive like thinking your going to die or horrid pain.

So a month later....

So it's been just over a month that I went MIA. The reasons are my own and will stay that way until further notice. All that needs to be said is that was the WORST fucking month ever. I almost killed someone....I am not kidding. My shrink was the one who talked me outta it at a very important emergency meeting. I seen him again yesterday, and I have an appt to see him again at the end of October. Basically this is how it goes, if everything is great, i see him at the 4 month period. If things are chaotic and alittle crazy I see him at the 3 month period...that's our normal. If things are really bad it's a 2 month wait. But with 2 emergency meetings in the last month and half I got my appt in a month. So shit is fucking bad. That's about all I'm willing to talk about right now. But ya crazy enough for murder....there's a reason I don't talk about this shit :P

Another disturbing turn about is that I heard a voice again. I haven't heard voices in my head for like 3 years. They are always angry males who litterly command me to do terrible things that I don't want to. The more I resist the angery and nastier they get. They want what they want. For instance for me to take a knife to the local malls food court and go stab happy as much as I can before the cops gun me down. It's like huh? I don't want to do that, where is this comming from? Why is this in my head? Who is pushing me to do this? There's alot of other bad shit these voices want me to do, but that's on of the most disturbing examples. And it's all because they want to see blood stained fabric. That's it. That's there whole reason to push me to this killing spree, is they want to see the blood spill. That's fucked up shit man. Fucked up.

I learnt at my shrinks office that when you are in an agravated state and things are really stressful borderline can cause pyschosis aka you can go psycotic and that's why I'm hearing these fucking voices again. I just hope it doesn't push itself to the point where I think demons live in showers or that I'm the angle of death again....cuz really that's some messed up shit right there. I don't even think I could discribe to you what it's like to be that "crazy," words could never paint the right picture. It's something so terrible and tramatizing that I would only wish it on less then a handfull of people I truely fucking hate.

So ya, borderline gets pissed and I have a decent shot at pycosis, mania gets to high and I can flip pyscotic....Life is fantastic when your so wacked outta your tree you have angry male voices commanding you to paint the walls in your own blood.

So yes that has been the reason of my absence. I have be truely sick. I've been half way to hell and back in a month. My pysce is shattered like a fucking mirror. If you've ever heard the song Schism by TOOL, the line "I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away" sums it up nicely. I have taken some time to retreate from the storm and try to glue the foundation back into something recognizable, but the past month has left me a nice puzzle. It's a good thing I like puzzles :P

But I'm hear and I'm not going to continue to isolate. These are my words, and words are power. I will heal through them whether people want to hear the abject ugliness or not. I am sorry that it is this way but the truth isn't always pretty. People have to learn to stop expecting everything to fucking rainbows, god-dammed flowers and ass-sucking sunshine all the time. Sometimes it's ugly, deal, I have to. Besides, as much as I hate cliche's the truth WILL set you free.

I missed ya gators. I call ya gators because aligators are one of my favorite animals...just a piece of usless info for you all :)