There comes a time in your life when you realize :

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won't anymore...

And who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,

there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Some food for thought my friends :)

Where is my pause button?

So I have my appt with Dr. M today. I have no idea how that is going to go. J prolly won't be able to make it with me. Which scares the fucking hell outta me. He's always there. I don't know how to do it without him. It's too scary, too intense. Gah, in just over an hour I'm going to be sitting in that chair talking. Yah, that couch thing, never had it happen. I'd prolly take a nap if they let me lie down.

This is all annoying. I'm going to have to get ready soonish to go. I still don't know if hubby can take me or not. And if he's not, umm I don't know who is. Fucken hell, pyschitrist days I don't like to be chaotic. I like them as low key and easy as possible, heh cuz I never quite know what is waiting for me behind closed doors. Bah my phone alarm just went off reminding me of my "lovely" appointment with the good Dr. M in an hour.

Crap hell damn, this week is FULL of things I don't wanna do. Like that funeral, I'm sure that's going to be awesome.

Maybe I should colour?

I love monkeys. They're stinky, obnoxious and throw crap at people. I wish I could throw crap at people. Haha gross I know but nothing says I hate you like poop. Ahh, someday when I loose my marbles again.

Well my great uncle Eddie died saturday. I just found out yesterday. Very odd, he took such care of himself. So it was a pretty big shock. I don't know when the funeral is, as of yet. He had his massive fatal heart attack while in the states, so first we need to get the body over the border before anything can really be planned. The only plus is I get to go shopping, I have nothing "nice" for cold. Heh, I usally just run around in my jammie pants in the winter. They're fleecy, have pictures of an angry carebear and are blue tough to talk me into changing them. But yes all irellavent. I have 3 appts this week, so I guess we'll see if any need to cancelled. All in all we'll just have to see.

This is the 2nd time in '09 death shadows creepin in and taken. Somedays I wish it would come for me...probably more then it's healthy too. If it ever is healthy to want such things. I ain't a Dr. so it's not my job to figure it out. That's why they make the big bucks.

I gotta go, my keyboard battieries are going to quit on me. >:

Sometimes I hate when things I like get popular, but on the other hand...

So since the launch of Rockband Beatles it seems like everyone is on board now. Which is kind of annoying because I was digging this stuff as a child. My parents always played music when we went on car rides....and we went on ALOT of car rides. Eventually when we got old enough, I was like 8, they use to let us play their old records on the record player. So awesome. I know all these classic songs by so many different artists of different genre's. It's pretty great, cept I don't wanna get lumped in with the "Ohh this is popular now, so I love it" crowd. If it all died tommorrow I'd still be a fan.

My favorite song by them was always "while my guitar gently weeps." Thanx George! Now I'm not sure if that's what normal kids like....haha I wouldn't know I wasn't a normal kid. Another favorite "Paint it black" by the Stones. Again morbid child, they should have seen this train wreak comming.

I've always been drawn to the sad songs. Maybe it had all set in much longer then we thought. I dunno, but anyways it's time for me to go.

And my guts continue to hate me, Grrr

I took a which South Park character quiz, I got Butters! I love poor Butters. I've been cheering him along since he really got a part in the show around the 01-02 point. I always felt bad for the little guy cuz everyone hated him yet he was the only innocent; the sweetest little guy in town. So I celebrate being Butters, cuz at least I know I'm not an asshole. *heart* Butters *heart*

I'm trying to decide what to do. See I have a plot for J's xmas/b'day gift. His B'day is Dec. 23 so ya he gets 2 gifts in one go. I always do that for my J. See my mom's b'day is Dec.22 so for years I seen her get only 1 gift for both occasions. I always thought that was lame. I mean my b'day is in May so no one can really pull that stunt on me. Anyways, I already got him a B'day present and and Xmas gift...hehe I gave them to him early, as I hate making people wait. But I thought of something else. It's umm kinda pricey, but I don't give a crap about that. I know he'll like it. Just a couple problems, for me to go and pick it up is going to suck. I'd have to do it while he's at work and he takes the car, so that puts me on foot. This thing not exactly small so I have a big thing to lug home plus the "where the hell do I hide this" factor. And to top things off he has my debit card at the moment. So I suppose we'll see how this all goes. I'm crossing my fingers I can pull this off. :D

My guts continue to bleed mysteriously along with the horrid stomache cramps I've been experiencing at night. It's getting to the point where maybe I should go see Dr. R, even though Dr's scare the crap outta me. I suppose it'd make more sense to see the Dr. on call, but I won't see a male Dr. for this sort of thing. Being that I don't know what diagnosising this/what tests they'll run on me, I want my own Dr. I trust her, unknown Dr.'s not so much.

I don't really know what to say. Except I wish I had the ability to make heads explode. Just give me 5 freebees. Give me 5 people whose heads I can explode and get off scott-free. I know who fills 4 of those spaces, #5 will be determind at who else I'm pissed at most that given day. *sigh* If only there was a genie for that. Haha, a girl can dream.

Anyways it's cold sitting here by the puter, I think I'll make a couple phone calls to break up the bordom of a monday afternoon.

Holy crap it's actually warm!!!

Yay! It's plus 16!!! Woooo! It's been minus whatever for what seems like forever now. We're gonna have BBQ tonight :D I love BBQ.

Last night like 2 am - 2:30 am we seen a porcupine run through the front yard. Haha, it was pretty funny. I am glad we we're in the car though. I know they're harmless if you leave them alone and all. But barbed quills scare me.

Anyways I'm off to do something with this fantastic saturday.

3 more hours of suck

Today I don't really know what to say. Last night was hard. My brain just would shut the hell up. Do any of you expirence that too? It was just chatter chatter chatter! It was having a conversation with itself about things I didn't want to hear about. So strange how the mind works. I just wish I knew where the mute button was. God, it was like a never ending therapy session so I had to pull a no-no. I popped 3 sleeping pills. I am NOT even suppose to have them, but it was the only answer I could come up with, and it worked :) See I'm not suppose to have 'em cuz I'm taking a Beni aka benzodiazepine aka tranquilizer. And I'm at the highest dosage they'll give out of this particular one. So ya they don't like you mixing it with other drugs that sedate. But I didn't have a choice. There was no way in hell I was sleeping otherwise.

It's like being haunted. Everything, all the emotions, all the pain that has scabbed over in time has been sliced right open and all the cuts sting in the open air. I am very angry. I am very spitful. I am very confussed. Yet with all that anger and pure hatered comes a sense of apathy that would chill to the bone. So much I didn't understand as a child equates into so much I don't understand as an adult. It's funny how time and distance fade memories but bring them back to the surface and they're larger then life once more.

I don't know whether to care or not. This shit was so much easier when I just learned to live with out emotion. Only problem with that is that state can't last forever. Eventually they turn back on whether you decide to do it or they do, and then everything thing gets harder because you're so fucking over-stimulated. Bah, what's the lesser of two evils? I don't know.

So that was uhh...fun?

Did I say fun...I ment scary.

So there are some people out there who actually like therapy. I've met them at different workgroups I've particpated in while living here, and in some online help forums I've found. Heh, those forums by the way, the last place you should be going if your sick. There are so many fucking dicks on those sites. You would expect compassion from others plaqued by the same afflictions, but nope asshole-ism wins out in the end. As it usually does. It's funny how brave/stupid people get behind aninimity.

Back on topic, Scary. I hated that hour, and I get to do it all over again next wendesday. *sigh* The things I do in order to achieve sanity. The first wack of sessions are all probablly going to suck. That's where they like to learn about/dig up the past. They actually fish those skellingtons you tossed into the lake, chopped into pieces, stuffed into a trunk with some cynder blocks and bring 'em to the surface. Yay! Wait no..BOOOO! I hope it gets better. I can't take crying for 4 hours after every meeting once a week.

And one finishing thought for you fabulous people :D Anyone who says sanity is over-rated clearly has it. I would make a deal with the super devil to get it.

Chugging Benylin like there's no tommorrow!

Oh yah I got that nice fuzzy brain you get when you start drinking the cold medicine. In this case Benylin, extra strength night time forumla all-in-one. Heh heh heh, I'd be having more fun if I wasn't so wrechedly ill but hey I'll take a buzz wherever I can get it.

I really don't know what to say. Last night I rambled what would be a perfect post but for some reason trying to repeat myself seems dumb. I already "vomited" that out of me so there is no sense in doing it again. Plus I really hate having to repeat myself....one of my weird pet peeves.

I have my 2nd meeting with my new psycologist tommorrow. I have no idea what to expect. Session one was all about a meet and greet sort of thing. Tommorrow I think we may have to do work. Thumbs down...toss them to the lions. I'll be honest I don't want to go. I don't like going to any of these fucking appt's. With the exception of Dr. M. The rest of my brain team annoys me to no end. We'll just cross our fingers and hope for the least scary experience.

One of my conditions to agreeing to see this woman is NO talking about my past. I can't do it. Every time I do I end up shattered for days after. Now sure there are some of you who know some stuff, but no one knows the whole story. And as much as I may trust you, you never will. Like I said, it shatters me. So don't take it personally because it seriously has nothing to do with you or our trust factor. It has to do with me maintaining my sanity. Some skellingtons stay shoved way back in the closet, where they belong.

You see I'm not interested in digging up the past again and again. I don't see the point. What's done is done. It can't be taken back or changed. You just have to move forward with the conviction that you'll make it better. Not anyone else but you. Others can only offer the support or teach you coping techinques. But no one can "save me." I don't know if you've ever had anyone try and save you, but fuck man is it annoying. Take me as I am, or fuck off. Plain and simple. I do this for me, because today I realize that I have to be selfish if it's ever going to get better.

I don't think people understand that. How could they? Unless you've been there your self you really can't understand what it's like to claw, fight and dig yourself outta the pit you were shoved down. You need to be able to have the time to heal. To learn how to heal. That kind of thing doesn't happen over night. And to any asshole who thinks otherwise, once again, go fuck yourself you ignorant bastard.

On a sensless side note yesterday I couldn't remeber the word for grave, so I called it a coffin hole. J and I laughed. So from now on they will always be known as coffin holes. :D

And the snow continues

So it would seem that winter is here, and it's here to stay. I'm not going to bitch about it that much because honestly this happens EVERY year people. It's not like it's a surprise. That being said though, I don't like winter. I end up sick for most of it. Hey, I'm already juiced on the benylin....WOOO! That extra strenght All-In-One, night time forumla. Haha, it's pretty great! I will probably need a nap though, that crap always makes me tired.

It looks like me and J's picnic plans have been thwarted by the snow. That's ok, we can have a pretend one down here and just wait till the next time it's warm to go out side to have one :)

Other then that not much to say. Astaroth is getting healthier....He had infected guts. Poor little guy, but the pennicillian seems to be working. He's such a little food monger he doesn't seem to notice it in his kitty food and eats it up. The last cat I had before that, would have never fallen for such tricks. I think Soxy was some sort of evil master mind though. <3

Well I don't really have anything to say. Just trying to get back into the process of writting. My Psychitrist wants me to do this. Yes, this is one of my forms of therapy....thus the caustic in your face posts. Therapy is an interesting thing if you've never had it. Sometimes you learn something and it's an epiphany moment. Sometimes you sit there and think I could have spent this hour at home playing video games....haha the session goes nowhere. Gah those are annoying.

Anyways I'm off to bother J!

I hate everything :)

And a big thanx to Badtz-Maru for that one. And Yes, I still hate the lot of them. Sometimes I wish I had a big red button that would nuke the fuck outta everything. I don't care if it takes me out too. I've spent some time at that project and always fail. With this plot, I'm gonna do it for sure. Hahah, and take every asshole out there with me. Sorry to the innocents, but I think the assholes have taken control over things. And that boys and girls is why I'm mean and abrasive. Too many fucking jerks.

Someone do me a favor and punch my stomach untill it learns it's lesson on why it's bad to hurt me! No wait....

Hahaha, I dunno why but I chuckle everytime I see this one. Maybe it's cause I'd leave such a bizzare note myself. Whatever the case, today I need some ha-ha's.

I woke up to an angry stomach, that's 4 outta 5 days of it being pissed off about something. Yesterday it behaved at least but ya. I dunno what's with my stomach it's always been bitchy. I remember fighting with doctors and my mom since I was a teenager whether it was an ulcer or not. I always stood by no, I have no reason for an ulcer. So they scanned my guts an million times in various ways and never found one. No matter how many damn times they looked. Haha, they did that here too me once too. It seems no one quite knows what my stomach is doing and why it's doing it. YaY!

I took care of some important business, hopefully it's enough to keep a stupid bitch outta my life. She's been gone for years, I have no intrest in speaking with her again.

This weekend there's birthday party going on. I feel like I have to go, you know obligated. At the same time though, I really don't want to go. I'm just too low. I don't give a fuck about anything. I don't want to go play miss happy sunshine cakes for hours on end. ICK!

Oh and it seems I have managed to pick up a pyscologist. She isn't going to do all the cool aptitude tests with me which sucks....I really wanted to do that ink blot test!!! Looks fun, I wanna scare them by seeing the wierdest shit possible. Heh, when you've played in the mental health system long enough you have to make your own fun. Instead they've decided I need MORE therapy. FUCK. FOR FUCKS SAKES!!! I already have therapy meetings with an RPN/therapist. Now a fucking pyscologist gets added to the roster? Fan-fucking-tastic. I guess we'll have to wait a few appts to see how this plays out. All I ask for is someone who knows what they're doing and has some sort of humanity left in them. I don't respond well to "cold" people trying to help me.

So while I have a moment to kill

This one don't ask. I think everyone at some point has wondered if there was something up with Robin. This picture would seem to shed some light on it, hehe.

So I don't usally post on weekends....J is home I'm usually busy playing with him. So this post is probablly going to go nowhere.

Life is good, except a few annoyances. But I've come to accept them as just a part of everyday life. Perfection is an unitainable lie that they have us all set up to believe in. They want good sheeple. Work hard, follow the rules, blah dee fucking blah. No I don't want too. I never have and I never will. So for those of you out there who think I'm a lunitic because my brain doesn't work properly, you need to change your way of thinking.

You see, my brain chemisty is simply different then the mass majority. My brain structure is different then the mass majority. That doesn't however make me wrong. Think of our brains like an OS aka operating system for a computer. You know like XP, Vista, Windows ME (which was annoying as fuck by the way). For me it's not wrong. I am acting how my brain is programed to act. That's all. It's that simple. I realize I need to aclimtize to what the vast majority thinks and behaves, but at the same time I'm not willing to be labled and be treated like everyone else who falls into my disorder categories.

I know I've talked about it before but recent events, that tramatized for real real, not for play play; makes me feel that it is nessasary that I lay it out once more. Now if they don't get it, they never will. Not my problem, I don't need 'em. I have plenty genuine people I can talk too.

And for now I bid you farwell.....atleast untill I find the time to ramble some more. *wink*