Holy Crap I've Been Married For Over A Year :O

So this is a photo of Jordan's 1st trip to visit me in Manitoba. We (Misty, my sister) took him out into the Riding Mountains and into clear lake. This is on this zany marsh walk. It was a really nice day. And I also remember some idiot left a pair of shoes at the start of the boardwalk and Misty totally chucked one into the water. Hahahaha!! Umm yes, evil does in fact run in a gene my family possesses.

A year of marriage, not much seems that different from when we were just shacking up to be honest. Taxes are like the only thing that has changed. But what did you learn they always ask. I have no fricken clue. I don't know how we've managed to funtion for the past 5 years, but we have. A book told me I was born lucky once....So maybe that counts for something.

Bah - I have no concentration skills right now. I'm so ADHD it's funny. I'm gonna go sing along to sad songs and some of the classics too. Currently I'm destroying "while my guitar gently weeps" by the beatles.....of course. Seriously you really should know that as common knowlege!

Also I am making the serious vow to save mony so I can get these awesome designer frames for my next set of glasses. I don't give a fucking shit about lables.....BUT I like what I like. And if it happens to made by some fancy pants designer, so be it. I will fork over the cash if I deem it something I "CAN'T" live without. Such as said frames :D

O how I missed blogging,

Lator Gators

Herman Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Family heritage - Roots

And She's Back!

I'm back from my 2 weeks at home with the folks. It's always a bit of a Technology shock, cuz I spent litterly 10 mins on the intrawebs the whole time down. That's poking facebook 2ice. Not like at home where I can happily waste a day on my computer....that's probably not a good thing.

So, this is my favorite photo I took while at home. It was taken on Fathers Day on a hike me and my Dad went on in the Riding Mountain National Park. We couldn't beleive how close Ms. Butterfly would let me get to snap the photo!

The trip for the most part was alright. My mother and I had one of our epic battles....atleast this time she didn't automatically think I was acting "crazy" and drag me off to the ER to have me commited to the floor this time. God it use to piss me off when she'd do that. I'm mad so I'm clearly crazy....she'd be mad but it was "clearly" "sane" anger. Bah! That's one of the Borderline perks. *eye roll* People forget in a disorder marred with anger that you are allowed to actually be genuinly angry for real. I don't understand why I shouldn't be allowed the same freedoms of expression. So what if my brain chemistry is wacky....or perhaps a piece of my brain is not correctly developed/formed/working properly. I still have the capablitity to be anger for a genuine experience.

*sigh* *shakes head*

Something happened that I really wish I had someone to talk to it about. But alas I really don't have many close relationships with people. The few I do have, I don't think it's appropriate conversation or I simply don't think it's a topic for them. I know I go to different people for different things. It all depends on what I'm dealing with....then I'll find who to ask advice from. Or hell just to vent would be nice.

Unfortunatly I didn't get to see a couple friends while I was down. That kinda sucks. She was suppose to call and never did. But that's alright. Sometimes you get busy and there is always next trip home, so I'm not worried about it.

Today we must pick up my brain medicine aka Lamotregene aka Limictal, and start the mood stabalization prosses 25 mgs to start. We will be uping it every weeks. So ya I don't know what kind of entires you're in store for :P In the past though it's been a positive infulence though so maybe I'll get nicer. I wouldn't cross my fingers or anything but hey it could happen! *wink*

Yesterday was my 1 year wedding anniversary. I will blog about that next post :)

Hope everyones been good in my 2 week absence.

Lator Gators!

I'm gonna miss the little guy!

Well I'm going to be MIA for alittle while. I'm going back home to visit with my family in manitoba until the end of the month. I know it'll be fine, but like I really hate riding the bus. And I'm going to miss Astaroth sooooo much. I'll miss Jordan and Minwu too, but Asatroth is so itty bitty cute. Hehehe, right now he's walking all funny trying to stalk Minwu...good luck buddy. That's a move you don't want to make.

So ya I guess I'll chat with you all in about 10 days time. I just need a break from Toon Town. I'm starting to feel "crazy" so it's time to go unwind at the folks. They're like my own personal psyc ward...but with no scary/bitchy nurses! Woooo! Or other scrazy (scary & crazy) paitents there to make you too afraid to sleep at night. I also hear they've been getting rain. Exellent. I love the rain. So much more then this wreached sunshine! *shakes fist at the sun*

Ok Bye Byes for now!

When is it time to let go?

Resentment. Anger. Rage. Wrath. Hostility. Irritablility. Annoyance. All traits and factors that go with my disorder. I get mad for no reason alot of the time. But what if sometimes there is a good reason?

I struggle with this. I've taught myself that it's so "bad" to feel this way towards people that it "must" be wrong. The fault must lie in me. If you don't follow the reasoning don't feel bad, the reason is full of mental illness talking. Then again, there has to be times when my anger is right, when it's justified. And ya, don't give me any pacifist bullshit.....To warp a tori amos quote " I DON"T beleive in peace bitch." Alls I did was add the Don't :D

See I have these certain people in my life, I would say 4 of them. Spilt across the gender divide equally. One man you'll get zero info on....this isn't that kind of page. Let's just say I dislike him for the the things he did and I know I'll never get the appology I deserve....or any of us deserve for that matter. The next man was a dirty garbage can, never dating someone out of pity again. The last 2 chicks were suppose to be friends of mine. One freaked out at me for no real reason like three years ago and still hasn't talked to me. And the other......we play nice. But she left me a really nasty msg a few years ago, this girl ain't forgotten. Best part she did it annoymous(like all the brave people on the net) and got ratted out by her roommate....haha who happens to like me as a person. Haha, it was a pretty good laugh.

But their crimes remain. I can forgive big things....I have. There are some people my own mother gets mad at me for still continuing to talk to. Because according to her they're bad for me. Users and losers....and she's been right alot. I do tend to make poor friend choices. I always pick the erratic destructive ones. Awesome.

So how do I deal with real anger? This stuff can't be bottled anymore.....there's too much pressure. I would personally like to go and rip the fucking faces off of each one of them right now, but I won't. Hahaha, I don't have the money to travel *wink*

In a while Crocadiles~

I call it supporting the local economy.....

NO I didn't do this. I did this years ago, I'm just showing you guys cuz I have mad tattoo lust and this one is my favorite. Maybe next month I'll get one....I even passed on the eyebrow ring. Pretty good eh?

Umm.....No.

I shopped. I have shopped like no woman in the history of the modern world. Today I found a deal where I got 2 sweet pairs of shoes for $70. And that is just the start of the spree. It wasn't all bad though. See when I get into Money Spending Mode, I am generous :)

I got one gift for my kindergarten best friend....she lives in Ontario. I gift for my highschool best friend, we lived together for a year in university....she lives in Omaha. And I got one for a local buddy. I hope he'll like it but he won't text me back. Hahaha o ya and the tons of stuff I've gotten Jordan. I"m like fucking Santa Claus. Except less fat....I hope.

Omg you should see this little bag I got, its purple, with and ELEPHANT!!!! Ok I digress....we also seen Tara. Yay! We had a nice little visit. It was good to run into her again!

Anyways now I must go and bother kitty's.....

Lator Gators!

To hell with everything

I am one angry bitch today. I don't know why....I'm just furious. I woke up half an hour ago...I don't get it!

No more retail therapy.....I've bought enough stuff to last 9 years worth of christmas's and birthdays :P I wish I could say I was joking on that one. Remember though....the stuff is for ME. Well some for my hubby and the cats, but ya I'm super indulgent right now.

Hmmm, maybe that'll fix me. To go get stabbed! That might let out some agression. You know that eyebrow ring or new tattoo I've been thinking about. I really shouldn't spend the money, but I'm currently in an "I don't give a fuck" mode.

Lie, Steal and Cheat at Cards Kiddos!

GARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This post is a simple homage to a great great man, GARY!!!! He truely made the lives he touched daily better. I miss you GARY!!!!!!!

Love Always

Bi Polar Vs Borderline

Borderline Personaity Disorder

Bi Polar Disorder

Can you see the difference?

June 29th Here We Come

K, so this was a real photo I "made better." It's my husband relaxing in a tube at the beach. June 29 his 5 days of vacation start, WoooHooo!

I finally got facebook to upload one of my albums....the birthday one. Darius's Christaning is still a no go. Still pisses me off cuz there are some really nice photo's in that collection. Especially one of Mommy, Daddy and Baby.....I think they'll really like that one I took of them. It's perfect!

I'm wasting time till Jordan comes home for lunch. I've also considered another tattoo....this one more girly then my gator. Don't worry the gator is still a want, as well as repeircing my eyebrow. This however would be a yellow rose....I'd love to put it on my neck but let's face it, my future job wouldn't be so crazy about it there.

Why a yellow rose? Well it's sentamental. You see my Gida(grandfather for you non Ukrainians) died in April and the song "Yellow Rose Of Texas" was his favorite song. AND my Baba (Ukranian grandmother) his wife, was named Rose. She died in her very early 30's. I just think it'd be a nice tribute and it'd be a tattoo that my mom probabbly wouldn't yell at me too hard about seeing as they were her parents. This girl she thinks!

Ok Jordan is home, so I'm off for now. Remember not to be one of those jerk asses who run across a busy street instead of using the crosswalk like your suppose to. Why should you do that? Because it might be me in the car and I'm unwilling to patranize stupidity!

Lator Gators!

An Hour With Dr. Marcoux

Okay so I'm not taking quite that many pills.....I think I have in the past though, no joking : The doctor has decided to continue my Clonazepam(Tranqualiler aka beni family) but reduce it by 2 mg's and to re-introduce Limictal or Lamotragene(it's common name).

The Limictal(mood stabalizer) I'll have to does up on 25mgs a week untill I'm up to 100 2wice a day, and then we'll continue adding 25mgs every month to the 200mg point. We're not sure where the right amount is but it lies between 100 - 200.

Honestly I'm not surprised to be back on the meds. Atleast these are meds I think worked some what. The Limictal is suppose to help the Borderline Symptoms in me. It's suppose to help me not to self alienate....I guess we'll wait and see. I do have a tough time keeping relationships though. Basic Borderline trait.

Basic borderline trait. Ya know, most people don't even know what the hell the disorder is all about. You say Bi-polar...sure, Schizophrenea.....sure.....but borderline personality disorder leaves them stumped. For the record it's an ugly disorder that I would undergo risky brain surgery to rid myself of. I would much rather be a simple Bi-Polar. Trust me that says alot. I suppose either way you look at the coin both disorders end up making you want to kill yourself in the end. Woooooo, Good Times!

But I think I'm going to go. My session went well. I still irrationally hate everything, maybe some "something" can fix that, heh heh heh.

Remember kids stay in trouble and on drugs!

Lator Gators!

Astaroth's Big Day

This morning we had to take Astaroth to the vet. His eye was yucky. It was all squinty and gooey :( But they said he's ok and gave us some eye drops for him to take 2ice a day. He was such a good kitty I bought him 2 little toy mouses to play with. He loves them! Needless to say the entire vet's office was enamoured with him. He's such a sweety.

I still want my gator tattoo....location is now the issue.

I'm looking forward to my appt with Dr. M, I think I really need to talk to that man. Part of me may have to admit to taking meds again. Boo! Hiss! But hey what can you do. Having crying break downs out of the blue for no apperent reason is zero fun. The wierd sucide obbession is back.

All in all it's time for a doctor :P

Upside Down - Tori Amos

Upside Down - Tori Amos

god i love to turn my little blue world upside down

god i love to turn my little blue world upside down

inside my head the noise

chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter

you see i'm afraid i'll always be

still coming out of my mother

upside down

don't you love to turn this little blue girl upside down?

i know you love to turn this little blue girl baby upside down

but my heart it says you've been

shatter shatter shatter shatter shattered

and i know you're still a boy

still coming out of your mother

but when you gonna stand on your own?

i say the world is sick

you say, 'tell me what that makes us darlin'

you see you always find my faults

faster than you find your own

you say the world is getting rid of her demons

i say 'baby what have you been smokin'

well i dreamed i dreamed i dreamed

i loved a black boy

my daddy would scream

don't you love to turn this little blue girl upside down?

any kind of touch i think is better than none

even upside down

but you see i'm tangled up

got a kitten kitten kitten in my hair

Cincinnati - i like the wind

it's the only thing we can't seem to turn upside down

well i found the secret to life

i found the secret to life

i'm okay when everything is not okay

don't we love to turn our little blue world upside down?

don't we love to turn our little blue world baby upside down?

inside my head a voice

chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter

and it says 'girl you're all the same

still comin' out of your mother

still comin' out of your mother

upside down'

~~~~~~~~~~~

I love you Tori, you get it when no one else does <3

Fancy Arctic Dinner Party - For Misty

Well as you can see here Ms. Penguins Seal TarTar didn't sit well with Mr. Polar Bear. It was so disqusting he vomited all over her nice clean floor. She looks on with disaproval. And Mitty, it's for you cuz it's about PENGUINS!!!

I just got a call from Paulette, fortuantly she won't be attending my shrink's appt with me like she was suppose to. It's nothing personal, it's just I don't feel very comfortable with her there. It's kind of like what goes on in that room NEVER leaves that room. The only person I allow in with me is Jordan. So ya that's a relief, I thought she was going to give me a hard time.

Facebook is being a fucking cunt. Shocking I know. Basically it won't let me upload any new photo alubms, and I have 2. One from my birthday and the other from Darius's Christaning. There are some awesome pics in there...fucking pisses me off to no end.

I hear Chris home and cooking. Per usual I won't stick my head out of the bedroom. I dunno why, it's just mornings aren't my thing. What's that it's Noon? Fuck you :D It's still morning for me!

Side note, I'm so happy I put up the content warning at the start of my blog, now I can cuss to my hearts content. YAY SWEARING!!! It helps us play, ya know.

Other then that nothing is planned for the day. Tommorrow I have a shrinky appt....so that should be interesting. It's about to get down to the timing where they decide if they'll renew my funding. Part of me says "no" the government is cheep, but there is a hopeful part. My status hasn't changed into stablitility, so who knows.

Finally it's looking like I may get into a Medical Assistant Course at an adult learning center. No offense to the youngens but I'd just feel too awkward learning amongst you folks anymore.

Lator Gators.......

.........I want a Gator Tattoo

And Sometimes It's Still Part Of Me

Life? What the hell does it even mean these days? Oxygen, food, sleep...ya know the basics. But lately that's all I've been getting by on. I've boughten some amazing shoes(for those who don't know it's a fetish), great new clothes and tons of neat make-up. All things I haven't purchased for myself in years. I suppose I'm trying to boost the outside in. If I can feel better about what's going on outside....If I can make that look pretty...maybe I can hide the ugly inside.

And trust me there is ugly inside. We all say it. You guys just don't quite understand my levels of wrath and hatered. To be honest I don't think I quite understand them. I just know they're there.

I just can't seem to connect to people or relate. It's like I have a force field that keeps people arms length from me. I don't know what to do about it anymore.

I have given up trying to make friends. I think I'm just one of those loner types you stumble across from time to time. But that's alright....I've never liked doing what everyone else is just cause they're doing it. If everyone is in black...you'll find me in hott pink. Ohh Yeah!

Some nice ladies at the make-up counter at Shoppers Drug Mart gave me a make over cuz I was sad. I have to say I love the greens they used....I would never think of that shade of green on my own.

Now to paint my nails Orange!

Lator Gators, thanx for sticking with me through the saddness!

I see a red door and....

I WANT TO PAINT IT BLACK!!! No colours anymore, I want them to turn black. I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes. I have to turn my head until my darkness goes. I look inside myself and see my heart is black."

Ok so we had sing-a-long. For the musically retarded that is the Rolling Stones and their song "Paint it Black." If you've never heard of the Stones do so now or kill yourself you ignorant fuck :) I could go on why they rule, but I digress.

Paint it black is the theme of my life lately. I can't seem to find joy in much of anything. Everything is a trial, a test or a trick. Everyone and everything is out to get me. It's like you smoked some really bad oil and have become ridiculously paranoid, haha. But ya I just don't understand what's going on with me.

Mixed Episode? On one hand I'm spending money left right and center, I have spirts where I can stay up to 5am easy, my creativity is through the roof. Yet inspite of the manic symptoms, I still lack energy. I still loathe myself. I still cry for no reason. I still hate all things not kitty.

Maybe I have some sort of Anti social personality disorder they have yet to diagnois me with, haha. I actually heard about a group of borderlines who hate people, perhaps I'm one of them. Whatever the case, take no offense human. I won't hold that fact against you. I mean, hey, I'm one too. I just wish I was a kitty.

A spoiled house kitty!

Proof, she does own girl stuff!

Yes I had to dress up today for a christaning. So here is proof that I do infact own nice clothes, a hair brush and make - up. I don't always wear my fuzzy green cat slippers to future shop....well Okay sometimes. But the point remains...Mom be proud, somewhere in this hobo's soul is a female. And well Jordan....what to say. He still looks like a hobo, but a well dressed one! Sexxxy Time!!1!

Why no I haven't accepted God into my life, by my roomate is Jesus Chris Superstar

Aww, yes. They get us all at one time or another. The last time was about 3 years ago when I was accaused by these Mormon Girls. To be fair they were nice girls....but man talk about brain washed. Heavenly father this....heavenly father that. Apperently people are born with disablilities cuz they've sinned in the womb. They told me that after I informed them I was Bi-Polar. Nice way to allenate the clintel ladies.

Well today it happened again. Today the Jehova's Witnesses. These 2 weren't as plesant as the two girls. They talked about the normal strife and hard times of life today. They asked me how I planned to achieve perfection without the Lord. To which I simply replied that I think perfection is impossible. It's some far fetched concept people came up with because they're not happy with what they have. The whole grass is greener on the other side debate. I told her my life will never be perfect and I'm ok with that. I'll accept it in whatever form it comes.

Then she goes on. "Well yes things are good now, but what about in the future when problems arise?" Me, "Look ladie, I'm Bi-Polar...there is no easy days. Every day is hard, and every day hurts. But I still don't think I'm going to find my answers in a book. I have an incredibly good physcitrist for that."

Then the man opened his mouth and wanted to talk about God's feelings on Abortion. I'm not kidding abortion. Who the hell wakes you up at 10am to discuss something that has a great capability for arguement. I've never had an abortion, but what if I had? Who the fuck do these people think they are? This is when my husband said "No, we're not interested, we've heard enough."

He then informed them of a guy he grew up with. His parents kicked him out of the house because he refused to continue to follow the Jehova Witness faith. Yeah, real tollernt.

Then again most Gods show that tollerence. Except Buddah....not a buddahist but I can't say I've ever heard anything bad about the guy. Then again, could be wrong....I don't know much about Buddahism.

So ya door to door religion salesmen.....NO! If there is a God to find, he/she certaintly doesn't show up on your doorstep.

Public Service Announcement

Nothing earth shattering or ground breaking. I'm far too tired. So I'll just leave you with some words of wisdom.

Frosty's Revenge

I think the picture is pretty self explanitory.

I've been waiting all day to hear back from the shcool I contancted the other day. Knowing my luck they'll loose my request info e-mail :P

I spent till 5am colouring in stickers with markers. My hands are now stained a birrage of colours. Fun stuff, just better not touch anything.

Astaroth has come to sleeping in my spot, so cute. Anyone else and they'd have to pay *wink*

Feeling alittle better....I think I just needed a nap

Ok so this is the face behind the rambling. Except less blue....or am I? Haha, guess we'll never know.
On an up note I found a little known about school in this lousy excuse for a city that has a Marketing Cooridnator Course. Must check into that. The sooner I could start the better.

I am in fact stir crazy!

Sick to the power of 2

I am sick sick sick. Jordan that creep took all the bynelen and neo citran in the house. AHHHH! My throat hurts and my nose is full of the snots.

I applied for some info at an online university. I would rather actually attend in person but it's becoming more and more evident that it's just not possible here. There is nothing that looks interesting to me. Jordan said we could re-locate next year for school, but I kinda don't beleive him. He says alot of things to make me happy, he just never follows through on them.

All of this leaves me a sad bean. Welcome back depression, I can't say I've missed you.

Another year of solitude

Ya know I've just never been much of a people person. With execption to that manic episode in High School. I care and I don't all at the same time. I suppose in the end it hurts. I've been living in this city for 4 or 5 years now. I honestly feel, like with the exception of my roomate and my hubby's family (extended and basic), everybody hates me. Sure they'd never say it to my face. But I can't help but drawn that conclusion from people who are suppose to be your friends yet you never hear from them.

Granted I'm a mega bitch....I guess I wouldn't want to spend time with me either. I really need to move asap. Jordan says we don't have the money but I'm going to do everything in my power to make it happen.

I fucking hate Saskatoon. I hate everything about it including the snotty ass people! Haha, ok rant done!

Lator Gators!