Brain Vomit

*sigh* Well I'm here and I'm cold. Status quo, day time hours usally spent the same way weekdays in and out. It's not that bad, I guess I just wish I had some company. But what else is new? :P

So I got a call from a super old roomate. I think the last time I seen this guy was last year. He wants some movies or games or some crap back. Whatever, they're here for the taking. I don't want 'em. But it's funny how you don't hear from some people unless they want something. Heh, makes things alot clearer now doesn't it?

I am at a strange impass. I don't know what to do. My mind is at unrest. I feel as though I'm being pulled into the undertow. I'm treading water as fast as I can, but I know I'm prolly going to go down with the ship. Yet, I've managed to keep avoiding the slip. Now how do you do that? I could make alot of money if I had a system but I don't really.

What I've currently been using as a method of coping is escapism. Not the classic booze and drugs although I can't plead innocent on that one, but it's more of day dreams. I create a whole new world and I spend my alone time there. Everything is new and untouched. Any and everything are a possiblity. The places and people change after I'm done playing in their world, but I always find a new one to go to. Normal? Healthy? No fucking clue. But it takes the pain away.

This is where my problem arises. IS what I'm doing healthy. The normal thing I couldn't care less. I just want to know if alternate realities with made up people and places is a good way to cope. It feels like it is. The places my mind takes me to are beautiful. They take the place of any other thoughts that may try and get into my head and keep them at bay. Seems like a good thing, but is it? By doing this am I simply just post-poning the problem? Is what I'm doing for comfort hindering my recovery? I don't know.

I've done this for most of life. I have always had a very vivid life like imagination that was easy to get lost in and day dream. I think that's good, everyone should disconnect from their reality from time to time. It's good for some peace of mind. In the same sense I don't feel like this is something to bring up with my doctors. I'm so afraid that it's "wierder" then normal. That's the fucking bitch of this all. You just don't know. All you know is what you've learned, and this is what I've learned.

So, once again, what's the lesser of two evils? Is it better to feel this. To suffer through this. To take it like a man and suck it up? Or is it better to be lost in a world of make beleive until this sorrow passes? Can it pass if I don't feel it? Or will it fade with time? I don't know.