I'm digging this song *rocks out*

It's a cover of tainted love by a band called my ruin. These chicks rock! Well atleast this song does, haven't checked into any of there other stuff. This was a pete find :)

So things are still in chaos, just as you fix one mess another one pops up. School is in the process of being taken care of. Most of you don't know, but after my first day I suffered from muliple panic attacks. Heh, I had one as soon as I arrived in the am. So I had to have an emergancy meeting with Dr. Marcox....he's so awesome :D Anyways, he figues it's the drop in my c-pam aka clonazpam for you none psyc med speekers. It's a traquiler in the beni aka benzodiazipam family. It stays in your system for 30 hours, and your body doesn't rid itself completley of it for a whole year. I love when the doc educates me on this stuff :) So ya they figured by taking my does from 4 mgs and halfing it to 2 mgs just screwed my brain chemisty right the fuck up and shoved me over the deep end. Jackie (woman from the school who has been super awesome), Jordan and I seem to think that's probablly what happened too. They halfed it in the first place because c-pam effects the memory center of the brain, but it's evident that I need a high does to keep my ridiculous anxiety disorders under control. So it makes me super tired, but I'll find a way to do it.

Our current mess, revenue fucking canada. It has been 14 weeks, I counted yesterday, and still nothing. I phoned all kinds of numbers that different numbers told me to call all just trying to speak to a fucking human being. Which was suppose to be an option at the very last number I called, but of course that number option didn't exist to push. ARG! Stupid fuckers. We is the super poor, so we need that cash bad. Fortunatly J has an good old friend whose mom was actually an accountant for some years. We're hoping that she will agree to help us figure out just what exactly revenue canada did with our taxes. Bunch of Fucktards. *shakes fist* Haha, yes that does make me feel moderatly better.

Now, I'm off to check the mail, and continue to work on finding and maintaing a sense of stability. I have approximatly 2 weeks to find it. Cross your fingers, toes and eyes for me guys, cuz that's looking like a big task. But I am fucking determind. I may aswell use this tauras moon for all it's worth.

Yay! Kitties came into my room. I'm gonna go play with them, the mail can wait!

Lator Gators! And thank whatever deity you want that it's almost the weekend!

Public Service Announcment

Dear Mystery Asshole,

This will be short and sweet. Paint me in whatever fucking brush you want. Paint me good, paint me evil, hell you can do whatever you want to. But that doesn't change the fact of you short commings, trust me it would take pages to list them. And atleast I have the fucking guts to have always been honest with you. I didn't' fucking veil it behind some passive agressive bullshit. Or pretend to be my friend and then slam me when you don't think I'll find out about. I got more friends then you know, and by reports it seens that qualifies you as a fucking backstabber. So in the end, Fuck You if you've got a problem with me. I don't give a shit what you think about me anymore because you aren't important enough to stress over.

Oh and on a side note, don't jump to conclusions on who I"m talking about, because seriously you don't know my life story or what's going on in it right now. Hell, I don't even know what's going on in it right now. Ergo, thinking it's about you personally makes you a fucking paranoid narrisist. This could go back 10 years for all of what anyone knows. But ya, Fuck You.

A time to muse

So I've been doing some thinking. Along time ago my sister and I ponder the possiblity if Bi polar disorder was simply the next step in the evolounary chain. Why would we think such a thing? Well Bi Polar's seem to share the common traits of above average intellegence and a marked sense of creativity. Now where it gets interesting is when doing some research on line on some serious psychiatric sites. We're talking the american psyc assosiation, mayo clinic, etc, you know reptualble sites. There seems to be a researcher, I can't remember her name but I wanna call her Lisa. So anyways Lisa's been reasearching the exact same theory that my sister and I have pondered. I mean really, are we at the start of the next evolunary step it's just the bugs aren't worked out of the system? I dunno. But it's something to think about. As such I'm going list some famous people who suffered from Bi Polar, and the list has some impressive members.

So in no particular order:

1-Kurt Cobain

2-Ozzy

3-Scott Weilend (stp)

4-Winston Churchill

5-Van Gogh

6-Carrie Fisher

7-Ben Stiller

8-Beethoven

9-Edger Allan Poe

10- Issac Newton

11-Frank Bruno (boxer)

12-Charles Dickens

13-Herman Hesse

14-Ralph Waldow Emerson

15-Jim Carrey

16-Robin Williams

17-Florence Nightingale

18-Alexander Hamilton

19-Erenst Hemmingway

20-Jeff Buckley

21-John Keats

22-Senade O'Conner

23-Axl Rose

24-Robert Schuman

25-Mark Twain

26-Jean Claude Van Dame

27-Brian Willson

28-Virginia Wolf

29-Brittney Spears

30-Edvard Munch (painted "the Scream")

31-Jimi Hendrix

32-Robert Downy Jr.

33-Sting

34-Ted Turnner

35-Tim Burton

36 Tom Waits

And that's just the tip of the ice burg. Why is this post important? Cuz lately I've been kicking my ass pretty hard about things. These people remind me that there is hope, that is possible to achieve even when the odds seem impossible. For that I am thankful, it gets me through some days. So don't classify by illness, classify by ability :)

One more time, the cycle drops

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand what my brain is doing other then completely short circuting. I self injured 2 times in 3 days. Why? I don't know. The panic attacks are back. I don't care about anything. I sleep. I think bi polar has cycled to the depressed end and now borderline is running around like a maniac completely un restrained.

It's like all I do these days is think about death. Fantisize even. Whether it's offing myself or going on some random rampage. I just want death....I crave it. It's fucking sick. The other day that voice, Jasper, was pushing me to paint the walls in my own blood. What the hell is that all about? Where does this sick shit come from? God I'd give anything to be normal. And don't tell me there is no normal. If that's your postion, go sit and think about it. Society has rules based on what we think is acceptable or "normal." If everything is normal, then there should be nothing wrong with self injury, suicide, murder, rape, child molestation, etc. BUT THERE IS! There is tons wrong with that shit, we don't need the government to tell us that. It's built into our pysce that these things are wrong and unacceptable. Ergo, there is a range that normal covers. Our activities fall somewhere in the normal range for the most part, but there are devations.

I am one of them. No I'm not just kicking my ass here, my shrink actually called me deviant, heh oh and that I have serial killer tendancies. Which he found odd, because he only see's such behaviour in his male paitents. It's awesome to be the exception to that rule. *eye roll* And no the man is not a quack. He's the best fucking doctor I've ever had. Maybe you just don't know me as well as you think you do. Hell no one really knows the complete pieces that make me up. I'd never let them see it. I think they'd all get fucking terrified and run for the hills. I can't say I'd blame them. But life is a very lonely existance for me, so I keep my few close and my mouth shut. Sometimes there are things that your friends can't help you with, thus the professionals.

Well I don't know what to do about today. I hate it. I wish I wouldn't have woken up, but I did. The fact remains I exists, at least in this perception or reality, for today. Whatever today really equates too. In other words, I would have prefered to just die while I was asleep but that didn't happen. Now to find a way to kill the day before it, rather me, kills me.

Somewhat Damaged - Nine Inch Nails

"Somewhat Damaged"

so impressed with all you do

tried so hard to be like you

flew too high and burnt the wing

lost my faith in everything

lick around divine debris

taste the wealth of hate in me

shedding skin succumb defeat

this machine is obsolete

made the choice to go away

drink the fountain of decay

tear a hole exquisite red

fuck the rest and stab it dead

broken bruised forgotten sore

too fucked up to care anymore

poisoned to my rotten core

too fucked up to care anymore

in the back off the side far away is a place where I hide where I stay tried to say tried to ask I needed to all alone by myself where were you? how could I ever think it's funny how everything that swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart and where were you? how could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through didn't quite fell apart where the FUCK were you?

That sums me up nicely at the moment.......at least Mr. Reznor understands me.

Ever get up and just not want to "do" today?

So that's what J's hand looked like after he broke up the cat fight. A couple days later, and the cuts are just nasty looking. There is one especially bad wound on his forarm. It's definitly got a puncture wound, and it's all swollen and puffy around it, and it's all bruised/discoloured. ICK! So today he is finally gonna go see a doctor. Of course it took getting Minwu's diagnosis back to finally make him do it.

Speaking of Minwu, she's going to be ok. They think she got a serious puncture wound, that got infected. They perscribed her some anti-biotics and some pain killers. Poor kitty. And she's going to stay with J's folks until she's doing better, cuz as of yesterday she still wasn't putting any wieght on it. But atleast we all know she's going to be okay.

I just got tackled by a kitten who then charged outta the room....hehe he's so silly.

I should probably go, start figuring out how to plan the day. There is so much shit that needs to get done before tommorrow. Ya, surprise surprise, all of a sudden the school tells me I start class on fucking Wednesday! FUCK! Dude, they told me student loans was gonna take like 2 weeks to process....I just don't know if I can handle going back into regular society tommorrow. It's just kind of a shock to the system.

Anyways it totally made me freak out. We got to the car and I had a panic attack...which sucks. If you've ever had a real panic attack you know what I'm talking about. I hear alot of people throw those two words around fairly liberly these days. You ask them what it's like....you can tell if they don't know what the hell they're talking about. Haha I know someone very guilty of being a suspected faker. Fortunatly I know many people who've had panic attacks, so it is futile to try and guess the one I think is faking it for attention. But for the record I'd like to punch that person in the face, because in a sense what they are doing is really disrespectful to the genuinly mentally ill. Like come on, faking crazy for attention. Seriously, that does make you worthy of an ass kicking. :P

Anyways I"m off to wash my hair cause it feels gross. It has that "I've been attacked and mauled by a kitten" look to it. Haha, yes I know very beautiful.

Lator Gators *waves*

Heros come in all shapes, sizes and species

This is our cat Minwu. If you happened to read my last post then you know all about the horrible cat fight. Our roomies cat tried to attack our kitten, Astaroth(as seen below) and she wouldn't let it happen. She put herself in harms way resulting in a massive cat fight. You see after we kicked our roomies cat out the 1st time, he came back. And was rushing straight for the little guy. Minwu wasn't going to let that happen. She chased him down and picked him off before he could reach the kitten. In essence, her kitten. She has taken on the role of a mommy for the little guy. It really is sweet. And sadly like I said she got hurt in the fight. But today, now that the vets are finally open, J's parents are going to take her in to get checked out. I think they might even pay for it. That's incredibly generous of them...cuz honestly we, ourselves, couldn't afford it. I still think roomie should be footing the bill. I know I'd have made the offer if it was the other way around, but hey you can't tell people how to live their lives. Well, you can. But that just makes you an asshole.

Astaroth, how could you wanna hurt him? He's so tiny and cute.

So this post no bitching. Just some recognition for Minwu's bravery. She really is a sweet cat....god did I cry when I found out she was hurt. And then I cried yesterday again thinking about how much pain she was in. It just kills me to see an animal suffer. People...well....Hmmm....let's just not touch that one at the risk of having the cops start monetring my activities *wink*

Anyways Lator Gators.

Side Note : BJ, If you happen to be checking out my blog I got J to mail you that cd. He can mail things purolator from work, so hopefully he'll do that and it'll get there faster :)

"It doesn't matter what's right, it's only wrong if you get caught" - Tool

I am pissed off today. I mean I know I'm usually sarcastic on here but I am ANGRY! My roomate's jerkass cat ( I don't care if you are reading this, he earned that title on his own!) tried to attack our kitten, managed to cause my adult cat a limp in her right paw and he mangled the shit outta J's hand. It took 8 mother fucking band-aid's to cover the wounds. 8! Fucking pysco.

We tossed him in his room with the light on, a bowl of food and some water. J goes to check on him 20 mins later, he's still hissing and growling and spitting so we close the door and leave him again.

I go check on him after say another 40 mins. I have had zero to do with this alltercation, so I figure it's safest for me to poke my head in. NOPE! He starts his hissing and growling and spitting all over again. The fucker even gets up and starts comming at me. What do I do? I rely on instinct. See I've had a cat or 2 since I was 4. That sets my total at 11. Cats hate water. I pick up the bowl and fling it at him. It stops him dead in his tracks and I turn and flee. I close the door behind me, duh, fill the bowl back up with water, put it back in the room and then we leave the fucker in solitary confinment for the rest of the night.

I won't tollerate this sort of bullshit. I will not live in fear for my kitten's safety while I am gone. My roomies cat is big enough to kill my kitten....and in the animal world that shit DOES happen. Next time, he can dump his fucking cat off at someone else's fucking place to look after. I don't do pysco's. Especially since he turned on humans 3 times, successful once. No, not gonna sign up for it again.

And like I mentioned before my adult cat, is now walking with a limp and favouring her right paw. If she has to go to the vet for any circumstances....he WILL be paying for it. Bottom line. I will except nothing less, he refuses I walk. He ain't ever dealt with me this pissed off, so if he's smart he won't fucking try me. Anyone dumb enough too has learned quickly that it was a poor decison.

I don't tollerate shit. I don't care who the fuck you are. No one hurts my J or my fur babies! That's my fucking family.

Lator Gators. I hope you're all having a better day then I am. :*(

Pirates on facebook is like crack!

Ohh, how I love Zombies. I've had mad zombie lust since '02 or '03 and I just don't see it stopping. They're just soo much cooler then those wiener vampires. Blah I suck your blood, blah I have news for you just flat out suck. Come talk to me when you start hunting people down to eat their sweet juicy brains, maybe then I'll give you some cred. But you will still never surpass the zombie love in my heart :D

So yesterday we played a crapload of Rockband 2. I was rocking The Collector by NIN, Give It Away Now by The Peppers, You Outta Know - Alanis, and Testify by RATM (Rage Against The Machine, for those who somehow missed that). Seriously I killed, and it was on hard and I was doing them for the first time! Haha, I'm so proud of myself because I genuinly beleive I have zero singing ability. I think I sound like 3 cats fighting in an ally way late at night, haha.

So J is sleeping....I've been up for almost 2 hours now. I don't get why my body feels 4 hours is sufficiant rest, but it does. Boo-urns! O well, I'll probablly pass out during the afternoon sometimes and take a nap. The Limictal fatigues the hell outta me.

Hey on a positive note, my student loans came in. YaY! It took them acouple of attempts but after screw up number one they seem to have gotten it right. Now all I have to do is hear from Jackie so I know what happens next. AND!!!!! I got a $2000 disablilty grant!!! Fianlly being wacked out in the head is good for something!!! I don't have to ever pay that money back and I think Jackie said she was going to recommend that the gov't okay that monies use on a laptop! *crosses fingers* Oooo, how I want :D

Well I'm gonna go sing again. It seems to have become more and more of a hobby for me....haha no matter how many cats it sounds are fighting. Fortunatly no one's called in a complaint or banged on the door and told me to shut up. Haha, so that's a good thing.

Lator gators! Have a rawking saturday night!

Nothing lifts the spirts like alittle retail therapy :)

My fun new tounge ring!!! My new glasses!!! I would have stabbed someone to get 'em :D

So yes, as you can see it was a "pink" day.

I use to know a woman who absolutly hated pink. I think she's a cunt. Trust me, she earned the title all on her own. Ever have someone just turn on you and go psyco for no real apperent reason? Ya....she did. So to add to that, fuck you! :D It makes me extra happy to know that she would hate both of them when I love both of them so much :D But then again she was one of those boring people who pride themselves on their intellegence and soley on that. See I'm a smart cookie myself, but I have alot of other qualities that are good and worth utilizing. I just don't understand what the get-off point is of being an intellectual snob....or a snob at all for that matter. Of all the things I've been called, snob has never been on the list :) Haha, bitch has shown up quite a few times, but not snob! And my bitch status is one I wear with pride. I just think it means I'm a woman who knows what I want and I'm not afraid to speak my mind!

I hate the mornings. It's not so much the getting up part that bothers me anymore. It's the whole, it's the begining of the day, I have to kill time until sometimes past 5 when J will finally be home from work. See really, he's all the support system I have here. I have good doctors, but being good doctors also makes them really busy doctors. No one wants to have to see a dick on a regular basis. Heh, I remember my shrink back home....the guy was a pill happy creep. Hahaha, my sis threated to kill him once straight to his face.....he's a fantastic doctor as I'm sure you can imagine. Side note, my sister is awesome. Don't think she's some kind of nut for it either. God, Dr. Sandbox (nickname) and I had negative interactions right from the start. He can be a real condisending dick who doesn't listen and just crams pills down your throat. He doesn't even talk to you. You're in and out in 10 mins. I am so lucky to have Dr. Marcoux...he's the best. He's not pill happy and he listens and talks to me. Average appointment time with him, 1 hour. So ya....kinda is easy to see who appears to care more about their paitents and not the cash the pharamacutical company is willing to chuck their way. Ahem.

Well I'm running out of things to say, not really, but anything that is congruent, attached, connected and makes any sense. So, I'm off for now!

Lator Gators! I hope you all enjoy you're up comming weekend!

You can't judge a man, until you've walked a mile in his shoes

I tend to disagree, I think that looks like a hysterical practical joke. Of course it's only funny if you do it to someone you dispise, but no worries for me; that list is longer then Santa's :P

So today has some activities planned. Some are hurrays!!! Others are Boo-urns!!!

Hurray side, I should finally get to pick up my glasses today. Finally! I would really enjoy being able to see things far away and have vision that doesn't scare me to drive with. That'll be nice. Plus I'll get to set up a contact lens meeting. I have to get special ones cuz I have a stigmatism. It's funny, I got glass in grade 6. I seen that optomistrist for years, right up untill I left town in '03 and the man never ever told me about it. And to make it funnier, he told my dad he did have one. Dad goes to the optimoligist to get cataract surgery done, and according to this man....my dad doesn't have one at all. Makes ya wonder.

Boo-urns side, appointment with my therapist Paulette. I don't want to be a bitch, I understand that she is there to help, and that she is trying to. The problem is her method and demenour. She's just so gruff and agressive and serious. I made her smile once and was surprise her face didn't shatter from the strange contortion it was making. I just always get the impression from her that she doesn't trust me. You know? Like she's had people in her care with my disorders and so now she thinks she knows exactly what they make me. She just makes me feel really awakward and uncomfortable in her presence. She won't even let J sit in on the appointments. I think that's stupid. My pyschitrist and regular Dr, don't mind. So who the hell does she think she is? I have news for her, those 2 are way higher up on the totem pole of the medical feild. If they don't care, really you have no place to such a bitch about it. Hell she got mad cuz J made a phone call for me to cancel an appointment cuz he had the extra time on his hands to do so. For some reason that pissed her off and was "unacceptable," she will only deal with me personally. *Cough* Bitch *Cough* She's just getting off on the power trip of bossing around the mentally ill. Fucking Sicko.

I don't know what to do with myself now. I'm outta bed, showered, have been assulted by my kitten a few times.....now what? I'm just so fricken bored. Plus I have the added "excitment" of getting to see my "best friend" Paulette. Whoo!

For any of you out there who care, I tried to off myself yesterday afternoon. Obviously it didn't work. I have been a fucking train wreak since May, and I finally snapped. So don't get on some anti-suicide high horse with me. I know it's not the answer, but you have no idea what it's like to live with the disorders I do. You have no idea what it's like to have a sick and twisted urge/need/idea that you can't shake. And when you do resist alittle voice pops up in your head and starts encourging you to do it. If you don't he gets mean. He gets demanding and creul. I have named him Jasper. I consider him the bad thing that lives in my head that makes me do things I don't wanna do. If you don't comprehend the need and signifigance of Jasper, that's okay. But don't critize me or judge me for it. Because once again, you guys don't even have the slightest idea of what the life of a Bi-Polar Borderline is like. Plus you have to factor in a whole whack of other diagnosis on top of those 2.

Lator Gators, I'm off to get put together for my appointment of fun fun fun! *wink*

I shouldn't need to wrap up in a blanket in July

Man, I love fractles. I don't understand them as I am Mathamatically challenged, but I do know I adore them.

Hmm...well I've been up for an hour and a half and for some reason my brain still hasn't switched to on mode. I think I have the mental capcity of the leader in a pack of semi intellegent zombies. Yay, zombies. I've had mad zombie lust since '03, so it's kinda annoying now that everyone else loves them. That always happens with the things I like though. Oh well, I suppose on the bright side it's easier to find things I really like. So there is a silver linning....I hate that phrase....but whatever.

J is at work :( I know it's a must do, but this place is so lonely all day. I mean I do have the cats and I credit them for the small amounts of sanity I do hold, but it's not the same as a peoples. Sometimes "meow" just isn't the answer to the question you were looking for. *wink* Speaking of the cats, it was cold last night. In fact, I am currently wrapped in a comforter as I type. It was so cold that little Astaroth curled up right close between my arm and my body :D It was sooo cute. He was making kitten snores!!! He sleeps with us alot actually in bed, but today he was extra cuddly. Well untill he noticed my shiney and janggly braclet, then it became time to brawl. Haha, my tiny jerk. What can I say? I loves him!

So I can now put it at about 2 weeks of continuously and consistantly having Sympathy for the Devil playing in my head. Now that's not a bad thing. Atleast it's a song I really really like. I mean hey, I just flat out love the Stones. There is nothing more annoying when it's a song you hate. My OCD brain will do that to me sometimes. It could be the dumbest, most pointless piece of annoying crap that the dumb little kids think is awesome, and it'll get lodged in my brain. Gah, what's worse is somehow you end up being able to sing along to these terrible songs cuz the only way to alliviate that need for the song is to listen to it again and again until the urge/need to hear it is gone. So yah, I have some fairly embaressing stuff on my music file on my puter. Hahaha, it's a good thing no one ever touches it but J or Mitty. I know they "get" it. Well J might not, but he understands that it's a ritual I must do to keep sanity.

Speaking of which it's time for my 1st listen of Sympathy for the Devil of the day. Haha, we'll see how many times I have to play it today. Lately it's only been 2ice a day. In the am and then in the evening. So maybe this one is going to leave me alone soon :) Then we'll be on to the next musical obession.

Lator Gators! And remember in the wise words of Keith Richards "If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use both feet."

I continually ask myself, "can people really be that stupid?" The answer is always a resounding YES!

These are a collection of my hubsend's Transformers...trust me that's not near all of them.

*sigh* Do you ever hear people talking and just wish you were a rude enough asshole to add something to their convo? Well sometimes I wish I was. Please note I wasn't eaves dropping, these people were talking incredibly loud. I think pretty much everyone has run into those people when their out and about. I honestly think it's to make themselves feel important. Listen to me! Pay attention to me! MEEEEEEEEEEEE! Is basically what it comes down to.

Anyways these 2 were dissing the new Transformers movie. I seen it, I liked it. But here is the kicker, their actual complaints. Apperently they felt like they wasted that time of their life and one chick said she should have just left. So yah onto why they hated the movie. "All it was was giant robots fighting and smashing things and crazy explosions. Totally just Micheal Bay wanting to make explosions......" Just a snipit of convo. My question to them is, what the fuck were you idiots thinking when you bought tickets to this movie then? I mean giant robots destorying shit and explosions was pretty much what I expected. How could you not? It's the fucking transformers movie, how are their not suppose to be giant robots? And considering there's good and evil...of course they're gonna brawl. Hell, they hated each other in the 1st movie, why would they think they'd have a hippy love fest in this version? Did you really expect brilliant thought provoking dialoge? Again people, You went to see Transformers! God some people are fucking stupid. Whatever, that's hardly news.

I had BlueCross botch my paper work, so now I have to re-submit everything. Basically the fuck-wit working at the front desk gave us the wrong info on what we need to submit for a claim. Which means it'll take even longer for me to finally have the monies to pay and pick up my new glasses and contacts from the optomitrist. And then a few days later, student loans fucked up big time. So again we had to re-submit......and I have to wait now for them to process it again. The real kicker with student loans? Everything they said they were missing, they had! After they stopped being snotty bitches and actually fianlly stopped and looked at my stuff, oh.....everything is there. *shakes head* Some people's kids....they should have been aboritons. Infact those 2 transformer idiots....abort them too. We need to start eliminating the stupid from this world.

Lator gators!

Did I ever mention I hate Sundays?

God I feel like I'm 16 again with the amount of hosility and agression I've had to deal with for the past couple months. I hope the Limictal puts some restraint on it cuz it's getting ridiculous. And I'm starting to get mad at myself for getting mad at stupid things in the first place. It's frustrating, and then I usually just end up beating myself up about it or quite frankly, I'm sorry if you don't like the ugly side of life, hurting myself. It's a common trait of borderline personality disorder. So save your politics....cuz I'm not intested.

Other short list of things I hate:
-The city of Saskatoon
-Mayo
-Mosquito's
-A whole pile of women I now consider ex friends
-Effort
-Intellectual Snobs(note, these are those suck ups who think that the only intellegence you can find is in a book or attending University)....if they only knew my IQ score....maybe then they'd stop being so fucking condesending. Heh, No...I'm not revealing it. It's really good, but it embaresses me to tell people so I don't ever bring it up. Cuz I don't want to answer the enievitable question that comes next. Besides, I get amusment watching them make asses of themseleves! :D
-Epival and Gabapentine (mood stabalizers)
-The discusting smell of a urine and shit soaked rat cage, it's even better when it's right outside your doorway so you can smell it all the fucking time!
-Fakers
-Snobs/Elitists
-People who try and tell me what I can or can't do or put into my own goddammed body
-Ristricted freedoms in any way
-The intollerent who claim otherwise. If you intollerent, whatever...but atleast admit your fault. I can admit I really need some professional help with my anger.
-Idiots on the interwebs, who think aninimity gives them the right to act like assholes. When you just know they're meger little passive agressive wimps. How can I be so sure? If they weren't they'd leave a name and contact info. But they don't, cuz they're just fucking chicken shits who hate their lives so much they have to try and ruin everyone elses day. Fuck You - from all the normal people who use the web.
-Spending any time in any psyc ward. :( Scary!
-Hairspray....unless used in a pyro way

Ok enough for now. But here is a short list of things I hate. I don't care you don't care. It's my fucking blog so I choose the content of the day!

Lator Gators! Hope you all had a great weekend!

Not to brag but....oh the hell with it I'm always modest about what I can do!

So I know I said I was going to not post about video game crap, and I do intend to stick to that. But this....I couldn't help myself. The song is of course So What'cha Want by The Beastie Boys! Now I've heard this song before, I'm a fan...but the only line of the song I know is the one phrase hook "so what'cha what'cha what'cha want, what'cha want. I was pretty much blinding it on hard for the 1st time and BAM 100% flawless! Holy fricken crap! To the fricken Beastie Boys, they're hard to keep up to. And to make it better, on second attempt at the song, on hard(i always play on hard, even if i've never heard the song before) I scored another 100%. Seems I have some strange ablility to rap along at the very least.

So Yah I usually am really hard on myself....I personally don't think I can sing to save my life. But, I'm trying to learn to be nice to myself. And if that's what the game tells me, then I'm going to take it's word on it. It feels better to feel proud of something then to hate yourself 24/7.

I am so happy this week is over. I had a TERRIBLE week. My husband was the biggest fucking jerk all week. I think he made me cry every single day since last friday. He has some ass kissing to do. But it's going to have to be creative cuz we're broke for the next little while...well till Thursday. But that monies has to go to my new glasses....we should have our blue cross prescription money comming in next week too. I'm not sure if we get 80% back or the full 100%. I checked the booklet and it looks like 100!! So I'm hoping I've interperted the union mumbo jumbo speak correctly, cuz if so we have over $5oo comming our way. Heh, physc meds are expensive....consider as well Jan to and through out April I was on none.

Student loans has massivly fucked up. Yesterday, I hadn't heard from them so I called Jackie at the school aka the woman who helped me fill out my student loan form. She told me to contact them. I did. I was informed my application was missing tons of stuff and a letter was sent out on June 10 about it. Umm...July 11, still haven't seen that letter. So I called back Jackie. Now I have to go see her at 2pm on Monday to call up the student loans people and figure out just what the fuck they're doing down there. I was there when she filled it out. *shakes head* I don't know who fucked up on which end.....but I am not amused.

It figures though. I finally find a course in this hell hole of a city to take.....and it's seeming to have it a dead stop. Woo fucking hoo! Why am I constantly getting fucked over? Even by random circumstance....still always getting fucked over. And they wonder why I hate people.

I'm gonna go fluff/fight my kitten Astaroth!

Lator Gators!

Another Day....Another Friday!

I WISH I COULD HAVE ONE FOR A PET!!!1! I would name him Snip Snap and I would let him bite the door to door religion sales people and the jerks downstairs that sometimes stop our Rockband games. And yes for you people who dub yourselves "intellectuals" I realize it's photoshoped. I don't give a fuck. God, have some imagination and some fun once in awhile.

So yesterday I finally got an eye exam. Heh the last one I got was somewhere in the 5 - 7 years ago range. My eyes have changed, but not that much really. He told me to still use these glasses for reading or using the computer....they'll do fine. But driving totally the new perscription. I'm going to get contacts again!!! And this time they're not going to hurt my eyes!!! I'm getting these super breathable ones. And to top it off they're going to be the special kind for people with a stigmatism. :D I've had glasses since Grade 6, my old eye doctor totally missed that one. He had to of, otherwise he shouldn't have given me normal people contacts. Cuz ya, it's horribly uncomfortable.

Actually that reminds me of my 1st trip to the dentist here. See back home in Manitoba I had a dentist I didn't like. He was just creepy. And him and his staff were a bunch of pricks, always rude. Not to mention they were completely unprofessional. Everytime I'd sit down in the chair I'd have to listen to some trashy gossip about the locals between him and his hygenist. Who's cheating on who and blah blah blah. For the record, I hate nosey people...I don't mind curiousity though. But the worst was when they were talking about transvestite hookers at truck stops. Just the kind of thing you wanna hear from the scary man whose sticking his hands in your mouth. I always thought that it was a weird thing to want to do as a carrer. Anyways on to the point.

So my last appt with my old dentist he told me I had 4 cavities that needed to be filled. 4?!?! How the hell is that even possible. I'm seeing you a few times a year and every time your finding more cavities. Strange. So I called bullshit on him. Refused to go back because I thought that he was just inventing problems for money....plus seriously that tranny hooker convo I don't need hear another one of those.

So flash forward a good 5 years later. I decide it's been way long and I probally should go see a dentist. I mean I have these 4 cavities that haven't been taken care of, yet strangly in all of this time none of them had started to ache. So new dentist pokes around, takes some pictures and then comes back into the room. You know what he tells me. That I have 1 tiny cavity, and considering it's been 5 years since I've seen a dentist, "That's pretty good."

So old Dr. Creepy....did they magically heal themselves? And one of them just shrank? Like wtf? So yah I was totally right on that one. Pisses me off though. How much un-needed dental work did he do on me? If I can prove it, can I sue? Cuz I seriously hate me old dentist. I've seen his house and his fancy fucking cars. He's a disgusting person, it would serve him right. Ahhh, a girl can dream!

We finally picked up RockBand 2. I want to play, investegate the songs and such. But I think I should wait until like 10 am so I don't totally piss people off. I mean hell my roomate just got out of bed...heh he should have been at work 40 mins ago. *Shrug* Oh Well, none of my business, but I do find it amusing.

K, Now to find a new way to kill time.

Lator Gators!

Reasons Why I Hate Saskatoon

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ ~~~ Thats what Astaroth has to say on the matter. He has the terrible kitten habit of launching himself at my keyboard and stomping all over it. All in hopes of being able to knock shit off my desk and to swat at the mouse moving across the screen. On a side note, my phone just made the text noise, but I can't find it. Ha, figures! Now on with the show! And yes this is my second post, but it's my blog, sooo there! Cool looking building right? Yah, there are some nice buildings to look at I guess. But all in all I hate that city. I have actually renamed it Trashkatoon. Should I get enough loans for school, I guess I'm stuck for a couple years....if I don't then I'm gone as soon as I have enough cash to pull it off.

This place is just so lonely. I don't know really anyone with the same intestest or likes as me. I dunno I like my alone time, but I also love a wild weekend. No one else I know really does. There's a few exceptions, there always is. But for the most part, I'm the odd ball out. Cept this time, I'm not finding the company to befriend.

Seriously I've been here on and off like 4 years....and have zero best friends. Only a handful of people make the I really think your awesome list, and they're all related. Hahaha, seriously that's one cool ass family.

Ok I'm off to tear the place apart in search of my cell. I mean it seriously has to be around here somewhere. And I'm pretty sure it was J. Maybe he's comming home for lunch!!! *crosses fingers* I hope so!!

Lator Gators!

Beep....Beep....Beep....Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep..

So I found this "Gem" on ebay shirts under "ugly christmas sweater." Man it doesn't dissapoint on the ugly factor. How in your right mind could you give this to someone you like?!? I think I'd start crying, haha. Unless it was from one of my sisters, we have an every once in awhile where we get each other an "Oh you shouldn't have" gift. Basicly the ugliest, weirdest, dumbest, etc, thing you can find. You totally have to get them a real present, but every once in awhile someone finds a treasure they have to share.

My hair is pissing me off. I need to take a shower but I'm feeling sooo lazy. I think it's the pills, fatiuge is listed as a common side effect. I was like that yesterday too. Yesterday I managed/had to have an afternoon nap, and I was out for 2 hours! 2! That's more then I get in a night sometimes. So to sleep naturally un-drugged for that amount of time is strange for me. Regardless of feeling so fucking tired, the shower must happen. I feel like I want to pull my hair out. It feels gross. It probably doesn't help that Astaroth's new game is fighting my hair. Lord he loves that one. Ummm....Wooo Hooo?

On a last note, started playing RockBand again. We haven't touched that game in ages. So it's kinda like a brand new game again, except we know what we're doing. :D YaY! I love when games do that. Soul Calibur 3 was the same way. Though I didn't have a choice. Some brain surgeon decided it would be a good idea to delete all of our saves after we borrowed them the machine and all the games cuz they had nothing else to do. *sigh* I'm not mad, it's just a time when I shake my head and go "what the fuck?" in a general state of confussion. I mean I wouldn't do that to anyone. How the hell would they feel if I went and deleted their long time built characters and unlocked items? Probbably annoyed. Or atleast I was. But ya whatever, it's not like I've really heard from either or them since. Makes ya wonder.

I'm off though.

Lator Gators!

And Now we double the does...so far so good!

I am now at 25mgs in the am, and 25 mgs in the pm. This is the dosage I need to work up too. At this point we will add 25mgs at a time up untill the 100 mark twice a day. Then we keep adding 25mg by 25 mg. Should that happen I will be taking 2 100's twice daily. I actually would rather have it that way. Having to buy this crap isn't cheep when you factor in that it has to be done on a monthy basis. So I'd rather just have to fork out the cash for a big old bottle of 100's, then to also have to pick up a container of 25's every month. Finacially, that's an ouch!

I still haven't heard from student loans, the school, or the disability branch of the government of Canada. Haha, all very important :P And I am terrible at waiting.

My eye exam was suppose to be this am, I was so excited. I haven't had an eye exam in the 5-7 years range mark, or gotten new eye wear since then. I already have my frames picked!!!

But I had to move it to Wed or Thurs, can't remember what my hubby changed it too. He was the one who called and cancelled the appointment for me, and then called me to inform me of said change. Men! Sometimes you just want to shove them down a flight of stairs....oh wait....there's alot of women I'd also like to launch down a flight of stairs. Heh, I mean hell both genders are fuckwits....I prefer cats. I know I'm going to end up a crazy cat lady...I'm cool with that. Hopefully I get the porch/rocking chair/shot gun to chase kids off my lawn with. If you're going to do something, you might as well do it right, I always say. And I want the full crazy cat lady experience :D

At this point I am killing time. I feel very gaurded. I don't think you guys have earned any right to hear about the twisted shit that's going on in my head. Or, most likely I have somewhat of a handle on it today so I have the option of keeping my yap shut. Still....I do long for that one trusted confident. I'm sure they don't live in this city :P

Lator Gators! And hey spoil yourselfs. Go out and buy something you've been eyeing up for awhile. Once in awhile we deserve to get ourselves a present!

Man do I love ways to waste time

My hubby and I like to play together. I like dressing them up and doing their make up and hairs. As well as the whole interior design thing. And yah...that ugly floor colour is gone. Now it's white marble. Looks alot better.

So this is our death house. We had one last game and we have one this game. Basically if your living in it....expect to be tormented. Muahaha! Unless you manage to become endearing, then you get to live.

This here is our very first Sim Relationship happening. As you can see our 1st couple turned out to be lesbians. Awesome! I had to wait forever in Sims 2 to get a gay sim.

And well like I said it is the Death House, and this is our first casuality. Her name was Missy, and don't feel bad....she was a pain in the ass. One of those fucking stupid Sims who never do what you tell them too, and will sit on the couch and starve to death if you don't tell them to get food. Basically bitch pissed me off, so bitch had to die. I can't wait for her ghost to start haunting. It'll be another 1st!

Ya I know a post about a video game, lame and not my style. But to be honest I'm still in a terrible mood and just figured, if I don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. So I didn't. There's a whole pile of stuff I'm not pleased about. But frankly, I don't feel like bitching!

Lator Gators.

I think it's sad when 6 hours of sleep is regarded as alot *curse you insomnia*

Yes with an amazing amount of drugs in my system I finally slept....for 6 hours. I've been awake for about half an hour now, everyone else is still sleeping. Heh, even the cats aren't roaming around yet. Or in Astaroth's case no one has been jumped and attacked yet today. That of course will change as soon as the little bugger wakes up.

I hate it when people claim that they're your friend, but they're really just snotty bitches. Enough said on this topic. But rest assured I am annoyed and I hate everyone involved in said incident. Seriously choke on a dick and die the lot of ya.

My anger is at a high point again. Hopefully Lamotragene works....cuz ya that's suppose to help with that. But in the same sense I don't really give a fuck if I alienate people. Big fucking deal. I don't feel like there is anyone to alienate from. Really. The people who understand me, still talk to me. Those who don't have jumped ship and ditched, as is repeated in history through out my life. But really that's cool with me. If you can't handle how I work, then ya move along. It's a fight waiting to happen.

I'm paiently waiting to hear back from student loans and my school. I wanna know if they've granted me $$$ so I can start my program. It's tentativly set to start July 21/09. Oh boy! And I'm trying to be optimistic that they'll accept my disability claim and I'll get that grant. You guys might not think it's fair that a disablility grant exists. But go fuck yourselves. You have no idea how hard it is to simply get outta bed for some juice some days. All you can do is just lie in bed as the weeks slip by waiting for you condition to change, all on it own timing and accord of course. It does what it wants, when it wants, how it wants; I am a mere slave to it's whims.

Well have to also see what the disability branch of CCP does with my claim. August will be 2 years on which at the beginning of the term I seem to recall 2 years there would be a re-assment. But, when I called they're offical number the guy said he seen nothing on my file about it comming up for review and usually that thing shows up on their puters. Also I should get a package in the mail explaining what's going to happen. Well, I've got 2 monthes for said package to get here before the August deadline. You'd think they'd send out something that important more then with 2 months in advance. Hell it took them 6 just to get it too the processing stage. And then you had to wait even longer while you waited to hear their ruling. So comming or not, there isn't anything I can do but hope. Something I'm not very good at. But ya, just gotta hope that Dr M says NO to the work question again. *crosses eyes for luck*

I have just spotted a sleeping kitten. It is my duty to go and pester him :D

Lator Gators!

If 4 mgs of Clonazapam doesn't take me out tonight, will someone out there beat me with a frying pan until I loose consiousness?

I love rubber ducks, I actually collect the mini ones cuz you can find all kinds of neat themed ones.

I picked this particular ducks, because well he kinda looks satanic. So obviously it's an instant want on my part, haha. But ya another reason, past 2 days I have consistanly had Sympathy for the Devil playing over and over in my head.

I'm not really complaining though. As far as my OCD repeat thing my brain does with thoughts it's a good song to have stuck on repeat. Nothing is more fucking annoying when it's a song you absolutly hate. Haha, yet you still find yourself singing along....you sould see my music collection it vast and covering everything...with the exception of straight up Jazz. I hate Jazz music. It pisses me off. Blue grass or the straight up blues, I"m cool with but Jazz....Fuck Jazz :D It's annoying and let Kenny G out loose on the world. I haven't forgotten the horror's of that and I certainly don't think I ever will. He holds the same grosseness factor as fucking creepy ass Micheal Bolton...god I hate that guy. Why can't they get into some fantatstic accident and both die. Mean? Ya I know, I don't care. You clearly don't know me well enough yet. *wink*

Well J is done doing whatever it was he was doing on his computer, so I'm off as well to spend the rest of the evening just hanging out.

Lator Gators!

Seriously 4 hours? LAME!

Wild water lillies, says my dad. I snapped this in Riding Montain Park on the boreal trail hike, on Dad's Day! Man I miss trees! And being in the bush! Gah, there are just NO adventures to be found around here, unless you count the occacional time I get really liquored up and have an "idea" *devil grin* Hey I don't make you go along with me, but most people opt to do it. Maybe that's why I was the kid every mom hated to see show up on the door step? Hahaha. "Crap, it's that one." I am a very good girl now considering. But most likely it's cuz I lack that partner in crime.

You see I have a husband and of course he's my best friend. And my roomate, I like him a bunch. But I don't feel like I can tell him the fucked up shit anymore like I use to. Before he was a confidant and now I don't know I just feel like I"m annoying him with it. So it's pretty much been a few years since I had that connection. I've met some other alright people....but I still lack her. You're best girl buddy that you cause mayhem and chaos every where the two of you go. Which idealy is wherever the fuck we want :D All the girls who fit that catagory live far far away from me. Hell not even in the same province as 'em. :(

It's just I'm so bitterly lonely here. I don't think people get what it's like. I mean we got a cat 5 or 6 monthes after I got here. Atleast she'd spend time with me. Seriously that cat kept me sane....or some degree of it anyways. I would have alot of worse days without her. But yah, there's my great understanding, my un judging ears, a 5 year old Bombay named Minwu. Pretty pathetic I know. This city doesn't get me and I honestly feel like I never stood a chance in the first place.

Why did I sleep only 4 hours? Gah, today is going to be brutal. Hopefully I can nap halfway through the morning for a couple more hours. That's pretty much the only way to salvage a good day outta this. Otherwise I'm gonna feel like death warmed over by 4. Ya know that horrible kind of tired where your body is sore and feels heavy, but your brain won't cram a sock in it and shut up so you can catch up on your Zzzzz's? I have a feeling....one of those days. Man I am in a foul mood right now. I pretty much am expecting/percieving/feeling like crap, for lack of a more elloquent word.

I'm crawling back into bed.

Lator Gators

Happy Canada Day, Eh?!!!!

Ya know or not....it's up to you!

Alright seriously this isn't going to be on my thoughts and feelings on being a Canadian or Canada. It's the best, enough said :D

So today we're suppose to go out to Humbolt to spend the day with some friends. I have a toy for their baby, I hope the little guy likes it.

I started my brain medication regiem on Monday. I'm offically alltering reality 25mgs at a time. It's funny how they frown on pot yet will prescribe me mind blowing pysc drugs.

I mean seriously you should hear some of the crazy ass side effects I've been warned about over the years. AND sometimes I'd get lucky and manifest!!! Like the one that made my Kidney's Bleed...COOL!!! Same drug also gave me a seziure upon trying to quit it...wait that happened with 2 meds. Guess I didn't go slow enough, but regardles...COOL!!! I've had a pill fuck over and change my vision. I had a pill fuck over my metabolism...put on 70 pounds in half a year. Dude I'm still working on trying to loose that wieght. You can bet that I am pissed about that, cuz to top it all off the stupid Mood Stabalizer didn't even work on me!!! And I had to get my fucking blood taken all the time so they could be sure said drug wasn't destroying my liver.....Fuck You Epival. There was a combo of mood stabalizers that used together are quite dangerous. They have infact caused liver failure in some of my own Shrinks paitents. But they didn't do that to me. Naw. They went for this wierd brain thing they also do. Basically they start to zombify you, then you slip into a coma, and then if you reach that point....I'm pretty sure it kills ya. But ya that period of time I actually don't really remember very well cause my head was so damn foggy. I was falling asleep like every 2 hours roughly. The bastard was going for the coma. We stopped one of those drugs....the more evil of the too. Fuck you Epival aka valproic acid, again. If I could stab your family, I would :D But I digress.....I have enough horror tales from meds to go on forever.

So ya cross your fingers, eyes and toes that this time around Limictal doesn't do anything horrible to me during the doesing up phase :S Cuz ya, when it's unpleasent, it's really unpleasent. I mean I don't want to spend the next 2 months barfing while my system adjusts to the drug in my body. Thumbs down for pukes!

But back to pot. Pot has alot of haters. But honestly, have they even ever tried the stuff. Look at the very short set of examples that LEGAL drugs have done to me. Then you look at pot. Well it's made me cough, and hungry, and I usually sleep decent. Oh, and this is all natural. No crazies in a lab coat concocting this one. Hell my great grandmother used to grow pot outside in her garden. She enjoyed the way the plant looked. Her stance, "I'm an 85 year old woman, if they want to throw me in jail for it they can come and get me." She was ridiculously awesome.

I guess I'm gonna try and get some sleep again....like I said I'm actually going somewhere later in the day. So it would be good not to pass out and sleep while I'm at there place. Haha, I mean I'd feel like an ass :P

Lator Gators.....and don't beleieve everything your high school guidence councellor tries to scare you with. 10 years later, I can gaureentee most of it is bullshit! :D