Is mmmlllla even a word?

Seriously I am losing it. I can't take this. I going way over the fucking deep end....try launching myself off a fucking cliff with a trampoline. I'm just lossing it. I can't just can't take anymore. I wanna say fuck it and go. I don't even care where I just want to disapear. Why can't I just be fucking invisible?

God I can't even kill myself. No matter how hard I try it's quite obvious that it never works. It seems to be that I suck as bed as killing myself as I do at living. There is something funny about that. Perhaps that does make me alittle disturbed, but it's not like that's a surprise.

It's like I can't even fucking focus. I'm on 2 fucking mood stabalizers and you'd think that would be enough to get the job done. NOPERS. Still fucking crazy. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, don't do, whatever, fucked up girl never ceases to disapoint with the next fucking stupid idea. Which of course I always end up doing. Because I just can't seem to help myself. Which doesn't make sense to me. There's a logical, rational part of my brain telling me reason after reason why I shouldn't do this, yet I listen to the other part. The stupid part. The one that says "ya, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it." I really don't understand myself. I'm fucking retarded.

I'm smart enough to know better, but if doesn't seem to make much of difference. It's never enough to cease the stupidity. I don't know I'll either get it one day, or end up killing myself during one of these dumbass things.

Whatever. It was one hell of a ride anyway you look at it.

I like saying bad words :D

Go kitty go!!! Kill 'em all and let God sort it out :D Bang bang bang! BOOOM!

Alright, time to join you guys in the collective reality we've chosen as the place we meet to do our daily business.

So 2:40 brings another adventure at physio. Gotta be honest I really don't wanna go. They find new and terrible things to subject me foot to. I think the most horrid thing they've made me do to day was the stupid jaccuzi's or whatever the hell you wanna call 'em. First you stick you foot in scalding water and the you have to keep it in there for a whole fucking minute. I mean its boil lobster cooking hot. Then you swing and stick that same foot into a another one, but this one is filled with ice cold mother fucking water. It's like stepping into an ice fishing hole. If you've never been ice fishing. Take my word on it....Fucking cold! So again, sit agony for another minute with your foot stuck in this horrid water. Now one bout of hot and cold counts and one treatment. I had to repeat this stupid process 5 god-damn times. I was ready to hit the woman because I honestly didn't think I could do. And when I was finally free from it. I gotta admit...I was kinda on the pissed side, because not only was it unpleasent in general. My foot hurt like a mother fucker. It was pretty much "You horrid bitch, why would you do that to me?" running through my head. Hahaha, job or not, you totally suck for that.

But I will give her some credit. She the only person who would actually show me with a fake medical foot what bone I'd screwed up and what exactly I had done to it. Ya know...after 7 weeks it was kinda nice to finally know just how badly I had destroyed it. And I must admit I did a fairy fantastic job destruction wise. Like it's healing....but I'm still not suppose to do anything with cuz everything is still fubar. Basically she told me that I'd manged to bash my foot up in a really weird place. Flat out told me that I had sustained an injury where pretty much they never see one...hahaha I rule. So what actually is wrong with it comes down to 3 injuries. I've manged to chip the bone, fracture it, and detach a ligament by tearing the one that ataches to that part of your foot that connects to that part of you foot. Hahaha, I'm truely talented when it comes to stupid ways in hurting your self at seemgly safe or virtually impossible situations.

Again, hahaha. Totally rule :D

P.S. Fuck with the status quo as often as possible cuz really it's a lot of fun >;)

Locked in a place where no one goes

Tuesday, tuesday, tuesday. Here we go. I hate the start of the week. It's boring for lack of any other word to do it justice. Nothing fancy, nothing complex....in this case simplicity is the greastest answer I can give. And often times it is, yet we find it nessesary to fill our sentances up with unessasry banter. Hey I do it too. There isn't anything wrong with it. I acturally like that. I like to know that there are still people out there who know and have the ability to communicate like capible human beings. Who understand the concept of actually being able to write with real words in real senteces with basically proper punctuations. Net speak annoys that fuck outta me. It's like when I'm reading some idiots comment and he's used the word "dis" I know he means "this" I don't understand why he can't take the time to spell it properly. It's only one extra letter, and a correction to another...IT'S NOT HARD AR-TARD. Or PeOpLe WhO tYpE lIkE tHiS. I want to hit them with a bat in the face.

Anyways enough...I'm just pissing myself off. I went for my first pysisio appt on monday. It was alright. They didn't torture me like I was expecting, haha. They did however make me do things that my foot seriously hated me for. I left there with a pile of strenghting exercises, because 7 weeks later that's about the point were at. I don't have to wear that stupid boot anymore. I don't need those stupid crutches either. I'm allowed to finally to use it with out, it's just that I have to still be ubber careful with it. Because the X-Ray I had done on it last Friday to check out it's progress has confrimed that it's not healed yet. I still have a chip in that bone. That bone is also still fractured, and that ligament that attches to that mess is still torn and unattached. So ya it still counts as "Le Fuckered." Because yah it's doing better, but as of terms of healed...hahaha NO. Not even close. Hahaha. What also rocked, is that the woman who was doing my pysiso flat out told me that I had destroyed my foot in a really weird place. She's all "this is an odd place to find an injury as a rule you never see this area of the foot sustain an injury, let alone what you have managed to do to it." I was so proud...haha...I really really was.

Anyways...Topamx says lie down or barf....so I'm gonna go lie down. For the simple fact that barf is lame. :D

uhhhh...what???

Alright so sadly I think I'm developing one of Topamax's more agitating side effects as far as I'm concerned. I mean there are alot of really stupid ones to choose from so really it's all a matter of what you value when it comes down to which annoys you the most. This is the 4th time I have been on this damn pill...as I'm sure I've mentioned somewhere. Once I had this side effect, the othere 2 times I was lucky enough to dodge it. This time though it seems to have nailed me again. It is making me stupid. For whatever reason, this fucking pill has the capabilities of messing with the part of your brain that deals with the area that concers cognitive function. It's driving me fucking crazy. I'm noticing. I'm mashing words toghether creating franken-words. I'll have to stop mid-sentence to ask people what the hell I was talking about. Cuz it's just gone.

I hate it.

I know that most people would probably pick alot of the other side effects to worry about, like hey it can make your hair fall out. Being a bald chick has never been an asperation of mine because let's face it. I'd look like a moron. Blonde chicks really can't pull off that look. It's definitly more suited for dark haired women....and with my record of 7 or 8 concusions ( haha I can't honestly remember the exact number, too funny ) my head would look hystericly lumpy. The only benefit I see to it, is I could tattoo something fucking awesome to my head. But yah, that's pretty much it.

There's the whole fuck your vision up... nope. It's made my kidney's bleed in the past...nope. It's given me a seizure...again nope. It was lobular. It never scared me. On the contrary. I couldn't stop looking at things because it was like someone put drugs into something I ate/drank and I was tripping hardcore. Everything looked fucking crazy and I just could help but look at it. It was amazing. It was more wtf then anything.

So I can go on....if ya want google the damn side effects they go on and on...ooo reduce the ability to sweat. Alla, causing your body to over heat in summer or exersise and if you don't take percautions to cool down, your body will over heat and kill you. But me, ya the worst fate of all still remains being turned stupid. Because I can't fucking stand stupid. :P

My mouth is so big, I can put both feet in it :S

I feel like I'm wedged between a rock and hard place. I stepped alittle too hard and smashed some egg shells. I'll be honest, to me this isn't a surprise. I've never been one to keep status quo if I don't agree with it or think it's fucked up and wrong. But I suppose that's how you earn the titles as the "rebelious clild" and the "shit-disturber." I mean I accept that...I am those things, I'm not going to play stupid or live in denial. I am toally aware of the mayhem I stir up from time to time. I don't know what drive me to do it though. I don't know what pushes me from the inside to cause ruckes, chaos, and mayhem. It's just in me, anywhere and everywhere I go. We're jumping one midadventure to the next. One thing I can say though is that I get away with it. It doesn't matter how half baked the scheme is. How little planning I've invested in it, or even if I have road directions...it's just, "here we go!" I'll get there by following the road signs that point me in the right direction and go from there. People, books, man they all say I was born "lucky" so maybe that's why I manage to weasle my was outta these dumb things I just end up finding myself in.

Well I think I've done it this time. I think I really opened my mouth when I should have just shut up. But shut up is a bizzare and seldomly used or practiced concept in my lingusitcs and thought patteren. I am of the opinion that nothing changes unless you bring it to the surface. I don't understand while everyone else just gives a free ride to behaviour that poor. I don't get away behaving like that, and am well under half his age. I simply would not accept that from myself. I'd shake my head and my appologies once things had blown over. Because just because you're sick that doesn't give you any entitlement to treat other people badly. EVEN if it makes YOU feel better, because you aren't resolving anything. You are projection your negitive feelings about your own shortcommings onto others because that is the only was you can face them. It's easier to accept them as someone elses flaws then your own.

When it comes to issuss that surround mental health this is not an uncommon thing. It's a coping mechanism. Probabbly been doing it his entire life and really doesn't know anything better. And I hate that. You can't passivly sit back and let it take you. You can't quit, you can't give up...not even an inch....you keep fighting tooth and nail. No matter how ugly it gets, no matter how tired you get, no matter how much you wanna quit. YOU DON"T. You know why? If you do, it wins. Plain and simple. And I am not willing to loose to something that I hate more then anything in this fucking world. I will not go quietly into the night. If death wants me, he better be ready to take me kicking, screaming, and fighting...cuz yah, I'm not going easy.