Today I don't really know what to say. Last night was hard. My brain just would shut the hell up. Do any of you expirence that too? It was just chatter chatter chatter! It was having a conversation with itself about things I didn't want to hear about. So strange how the mind works. I just wish I knew where the mute button was. God, it was like a never ending therapy session so I had to pull a no-no. I popped 3 sleeping pills. I am NOT even suppose to have them, but it was the only answer I could come up with, and it worked :) See I'm not suppose to have 'em cuz I'm taking a Beni aka benzodiazepine aka tranquilizer. And I'm at the highest dosage they'll give out of this particular one. So ya they don't like you mixing it with other drugs that sedate. But I didn't have a choice. There was no way in hell I was sleeping otherwise.
It's like being haunted. Everything, all the emotions, all the pain that has scabbed over in time has been sliced right open and all the cuts sting in the open air. I am very angry. I am very spitful. I am very confussed. Yet with all that anger and pure hatered comes a sense of apathy that would chill to the bone. So much I didn't understand as a child equates into so much I don't understand as an adult. It's funny how time and distance fade memories but bring them back to the surface and they're larger then life once more.
I don't know whether to care or not. This shit was so much easier when I just learned to live with out emotion. Only problem with that is that state can't last forever. Eventually they turn back on whether you decide to do it or they do, and then everything thing gets harder because you're so fucking over-stimulated. Bah, what's the lesser of two evils? I don't know.
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