Well my parents did end up comming over for the weekend. It was alright. My dad and I had lots of fun. Haha we even came back to our place because my dad wanted to play some video games. Priceless. Not many 60 year old men I know who wanna play video games, but my dad is wickedly awesome. My mom was semi sane. She had her moments where both my dad and I had to ask her what the hell was wrong with her, but that's nothing new. Haha like the last time I went to visit and she decided that since it was 5:30 am, which is morning, it was an appropriate time to do the dishes. My mom litterly throws the pots and pans around when she does them. It sounds like a fucking elephant battle zone....not quiet in the least bit. My dad and I were THRILLED that time. Did I mention we're both hardcore insomniac's who take drugs to make us sleep? Thanx for the wake up mom. So ya, basically my mom has a history of some fairly strange and aggitating behavior. She makes all mental. I'm not trying to mom bash....haha it's just man, you forget things sometimes. :P
So the other night I had a mega panic attack. This one was hard to wrangle in. I'm at a point now where I can handle the small ones okish on my own. I'm still a mess, but I've somehow managed to figure out how to cope with them till things settle down. The big ones? I have yet to accoplish that. It's on the list, but it's a long list and not a simple task. You have to learn how to manage the initial fear, allow it to run it's course and yet stay in control enough to make sure that you keep yourself safe. It's not easy to let some that your scared of take the time to do what it wants. To rage itself to peace again. Harder still when you don't know why it's happening. But you do it none the less. You take all the tools, tips and techniques the medical world has armed you with and you grin and bare it. Kinda like sitting out a tornado in the basment except the disaster is in your head and you can't hide from it. But you need to almost take on a second persona, a drill sargent if you will. Another voice that comes in above the insanity and starts barking orders on how to breath, etc. And you do what he says if you wanna make it through this sucker. Granted your gonna be messed up from it when it passes, I mean that is just the way it goes, but it's weathered.
Big ones.....NOPERS. No clue on how to handle them yet. Son of a bitch kept me up till 6am friday night. Fuck, I don't know what's the most disturbing part of it all. The plain and simple "I don't know why this is happening?" factor is scary. The speach patterns, warpped ideas, just how you as a person and your mannerisms change is creepy. The thoughts in your head, umm not even going to touch those ones. And in the big ones, I disociate badly. It started and proceeded to a point where I actually thought I was dead. The sad thing, I wish I was right and not dillusional.
No comments:
Post a Comment