Yah, this one just makes me laugh. It reminds me of these wierd pictures my sister use to take of toys in various "action" shots complete with backgrounds and traps. Lord were those funny. Cuz after the pictures where finished they'd be turned into an epic movie...haha priceless.
Alright so I flaked on the X-Ray thus far. I know, bad bad me. *slaps self on wrist* I do need to get that done. It still hurts, it still feels gross and gooey in some areas..in some sense of reality I understand that it should be done. But in my defense the timing sucks. Christmas isn't very convient for this sort of thing and with New Years on it's tail, well who really knows. It may come down to January before it happens. But whatever, I'll deal as it comes. There is no possible way that my foot can be as screwed up as it was in the first place and so the pain factor can in no way register as high. And the pain is the thing I don't wanna deal with. Send me to physio, that's kewl. Been there and done that with a knee already, or hell chiropracter....I've had them pop and snap pretty much everything...even my head. But I'll be honest, they'll never touch head or spine again. That was a one time deal. My old chiropracter was funny though. Dr. Sandra thought it was the greatest the that I was small enough that she could litterly just toss me around the room at her leasuire. Haha, she was the best.
Head wise I don't know where I'd put myself. I am indulging in a pretty heavy amout of escapism in a varity of different ways. And I think you can apply more the escapism to it, I also think that the behaviours go deep enough to fall into the self medicating catergoty. I am not behaving. I am trying, I promise you I am trying to be a good fucking girl. But man is it hard. It is just so damn boring. Gah. I can't began to explain to you what the smother of that feels like right now. I do have the feeling I'm heading mixed or down. I would say mania but I know I'm seasonal. So for me to hit mania when I get whacked by SAD'S every year doesn't quite add up. But I guess that's the fun of a mood disorder, it's a tough call, as it will pretty much do whatever it wants when ever it wants. I don't know though, I'm extremly self destructive. I swear the only thing stoping me is this broken foot and the fact that it's hard to get around in winter on crutches.
I need to destroy myself.
I don't know why. I don't understand where this urge comes from. You see it's more then want, it surpass need....it's like it comes down to a primary level. It's an urge...like sex for some people. But I don't care about sex. I am far more intrested in destruction, just in general. And myself seems to be my favorite thing to attempt to dismantle and destroy. Why am I doing this? I wish I could atleast answer that question. I wish 1 of the 5 Doc's I'm working with could give me that answer. I honestly think if I had that reason, if I possed that knowledge, I could stop. Because I would understand the catalyst that pushes it, that triggers it. The reason that allows this sick desire to sink in. I would know what I'm up against. All of a sudden I'm fighting a known enemy instead of some chicken shit who won't even show himself. If I know what's malfucntioning and why, give me some time and I WILL fix it.
Anyways, I'm cold and bored, and apathtic...so catch ya next time motivation strikes.
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