Well I'm home alone, which is nice. I don't like having people around during the day, unless you fall into a certain catagory of people I adore. I can never see enough of those guys :) And I miss them all ever so much. Me on another nostalgia kick. I know I drift back on it from time to time but I can't help myself. My friends were more of a family to me then my own was. And I will never forget that kindness. And I will never cease in being greatful even if all that could be done was lending me an ear to listen.
My battle with Topamax continues. Yesterday was pretty good. I only puked once! I spent most of the day feeling good. Today on the other hand, we are back to the norm. It's pretty bad when you've got one of those anti-puke patches behind your ear that they use for sea sickness(they get soo damn itchy after awhile) and gravol pills and are still puking up a storm. Haha, I know, you're very welcome for that mental image. But that's the bitch of this whole mess. The ugly drug, the one not FDA approved on either side of the border for bi-polar, is the most effective one I've been on. Limictal comes in at 2nd. Thus the new combo. But Topamax takes the back seat because my body just can't handle it at it's strongest dosage. Haha, I'm a pain in the ass to treat. I'm lucky my physchtrist likes a challenge. Hahaha.
Yet, inspite of Dr. M's & I's plan, I still lack hope. I can't help it. I know Topamax works, but it only work at high dosages for me. I don't know if going half way on it is going to enough to give limictal at it's max dosage the boost it needs. It's touch and go. It's a guessing game. Neither of us would bet money on it, but really it's the best option to take a kick at. So I'm crossing my fingers, eyes, and well pretty much anything else you can that this is the combo we've been searching for the past 5 years. Man that'd be nice. I just want stability. Grant me stability and I can make everything else happen on my own.
It's really hard to be surrounded by people who don't understand. Bi-Polar, they're getting better with. Borderling Personality Disorder...pfft. Man that one has a real nasty stigma attached to it, it you happen to know what it is at all. Maybe one day I'll post what it's really like. Instead of some Dr. who read about it in a text book and thinks he's the insta-expert. I mean really a book is all well and good; I read a couple on this one myself. Researched it on the web. Reputable sites people. Like the Mayo Clinic and the American Psyc Assocation. But reading it doesn't even scratch the surface. It's one of those things to understand you have to live. And even when you are living it, you still don't get it sometimes. It's so utterly confussing having these strange impulses that you can't seem to control. Like one time I was walking past a piercing shop and right there one the spot decided to get my boobs peirced. Just like that. Total whim. I've always been that way. And for the record, Fucking Hell does that hurt. No tattoo, or piercing I have ever gotten hurt as bad as those 2. Seriously it is something I would never do again.
On a last note, I'm going to end with something that annoyed me the other day. I was having a convo with a friend of mine, and we got onto my brain meds. I mentioned that they make me puke alot. Some chick I sorta know said something to the effect of "great way to get skinny." I bit my tounge even though I wanted to verbally eviserate her. The vast majority of phsyc meds are weight gainers. I know a woman who gained 100 pounds from taking zyprexa. I gained 70 on epival and I was working out 4 to 5 times a week at the gym. Now I've managed to lose 20 of it, but I got alot more to go. Slow and steady so they say. I'll get back to my normal weight, it just doesn't happen over night. So yah, she's either ignorant or stupid in thinking that barfing yourself skinny is a good idea.
Now if you'll excuse me I think I have to go attempt to barf again. Fuck you Topamax, Fuck you.
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