So yah, I broke my foot *shrug*

Ohh yes, some day I will have my gator tatty...and it will be marvalous. Just to figure out where to stick the little bugger. I know that fucked up eye is going on the back of my neck. The yellow rose, in memory of my grandfather, either calf or other shoulder. I'd really like to get it on the neck or forarm, but ya no one's gonna like that from an employment standered...unless I never kick disability. That's quite a possiblity. The gator I don't know where the hell to put it.

Every tattoo I have means something to me. I think the most sentimental will be my yellow rose. Girly tattoo, yes. Under normal circumstances I would stay away from that one, but this is different. A yellow rose was my grandfathers favorite flower. But there's an even sweeter twist...I'm not completely evil. :P See my grandmothers name was Rose, but she died when my mom was 5 or 6, so ya in the 50's. After that grandpa hit the bottle hard until I was born in '81. It's kind of like honouring both of them. This is one tatty I can get away with. There is no way my mom would yell at me for such a moment.

We all miss him. My grandpa was my hero. I could tell you stories, but there isn't simply not enough time or space. Rest assured he was a very unique indivual. So caring. He looked after 30 - 50 homeless cats. He's spend his pention checks to feed them with fine meat from the abitore. Heart of gold, in the world on Neil Young.

I suppose it's all sentiment, but now is the time to reflect since I can't do much else. Hopefully I get a tatty for Christmas from J. It could happen. I got my sis her first tattoo when she turned 18 and was legal to get it. *crosses fingers* I honestly can't think of anything I want more. Well I wish there was a horrific circumstance I could fix for my family...but I can't. Somethings don't have a cure. And I doubt we'll see it in this life time.

Sometimes they're things I can't fix. I hate that. I don't want to accept it, but I have no other choice. A cure will never be found in this life time. And if you're thinking I'm talking about me and my problems, you're wrong. If I could catch a leprachan or hold a genie hostage I would in an instant put another's health more them mine. That's Love.

I hate the sound of the vacum cleaner...maybe I'm a kitty!!!!

Well my parents did end up comming over for the weekend. It was alright. My dad and I had lots of fun. Haha we even came back to our place because my dad wanted to play some video games. Priceless. Not many 60 year old men I know who wanna play video games, but my dad is wickedly awesome. My mom was semi sane. She had her moments where both my dad and I had to ask her what the hell was wrong with her, but that's nothing new. Haha like the last time I went to visit and she decided that since it was 5:30 am, which is morning, it was an appropriate time to do the dishes. My mom litterly throws the pots and pans around when she does them. It sounds like a fucking elephant battle zone....not quiet in the least bit. My dad and I were THRILLED that time. Did I mention we're both hardcore insomniac's who take drugs to make us sleep? Thanx for the wake up mom. So ya, basically my mom has a history of some fairly strange and aggitating behavior. She makes all mental. I'm not trying to mom bash....haha it's just man, you forget things sometimes. :P

So the other night I had a mega panic attack. This one was hard to wrangle in. I'm at a point now where I can handle the small ones okish on my own. I'm still a mess, but I've somehow managed to figure out how to cope with them till things settle down. The big ones? I have yet to accoplish that. It's on the list, but it's a long list and not a simple task. You have to learn how to manage the initial fear, allow it to run it's course and yet stay in control enough to make sure that you keep yourself safe. It's not easy to let some that your scared of take the time to do what it wants. To rage itself to peace again. Harder still when you don't know why it's happening. But you do it none the less. You take all the tools, tips and techniques the medical world has armed you with and you grin and bare it. Kinda like sitting out a tornado in the basment except the disaster is in your head and you can't hide from it. But you need to almost take on a second persona, a drill sargent if you will. Another voice that comes in above the insanity and starts barking orders on how to breath, etc. And you do what he says if you wanna make it through this sucker. Granted your gonna be messed up from it when it passes, I mean that is just the way it goes, but it's weathered.

Big ones.....NOPERS. No clue on how to handle them yet. Son of a bitch kept me up till 6am friday night. Fuck, I don't know what's the most disturbing part of it all. The plain and simple "I don't know why this is happening?" factor is scary. The speach patterns, warpped ideas, just how you as a person and your mannerisms change is creepy. The thoughts in your head, umm not even going to touch those ones. And in the big ones, I disociate badly. It started and proceeded to a point where I actually thought I was dead. The sad thing, I wish I was right and not dillusional.

Soon my pretties, soon.....

I totally had these pirates when I was a kid. Lego rules, matey. Yarrr!

I have some fairly horrid stuff in my music collection. It's pretty funny because I don't know where the vast majority of it came from. People always send me songs. I like that :) There are friends I have who mirror my tastes fairly accuretly, then there are the other ones. Heh, it's a tricky thing when your friend sends you pure utter shit. You shake your head and go WTF? First WTF comes from why the hell would anyone wanna listen to this pussy bull shit radio friendly song? Second WTF, why the fuck do you think I'd like this. I know I listen to pretty much everything, cept jazz. I think I mentioned that earlier in the pages of this moster piece. Thank god that annoying song is gone. This one is much better, I picked this one myself :P

Does any of us really know anyone as well as we think we do? I'm not sure who I am, maybe none of us really do, but I have the balls ( haha figurativly ) to admit it? I love all my questions. No one ever answers but I don't mind that. People reading this aren't my concern. It's here, look if you want, leave if it offends...whatever. I don't honestly ever expect anyone who can answer my questions. You can't have one person speak for the whole world. You get those who try....*cough* Self important *cough*

Well this song is over, hopefully let's not experience another horror given to me by someone else. YES, another one of mine :D Regardless, it's time for me to fix my musical mess. I know I fucking hate organizing, I hate planning, it's all so boring and redundent. Yet, at the same time I don't think I can stand these shit songs popping up all the fucking time.

Now all's I have to do is wait and see if the parents are comming down for the weekend. They promised they'd call and let me know one way or another this time. Instead of just showing up on the doorstep when I lived in another city. God, that sucked....never had the bong hidden. Haha, they never noticed anyways. If they did they said nothing. I don't think my mom even knows what one looks like. Dad's another story, but again no one said anything. It's not like they don't know.

Anyways time to find another way to kill friday afternoon. Weekend = good stuff, even if the rents show up. Provided of course that my mom behaves herself and doesn't drive me up the wall crazy.

Brain Vomit

*sigh* Well I'm here and I'm cold. Status quo, day time hours usally spent the same way weekdays in and out. It's not that bad, I guess I just wish I had some company. But what else is new? :P

So I got a call from a super old roomate. I think the last time I seen this guy was last year. He wants some movies or games or some crap back. Whatever, they're here for the taking. I don't want 'em. But it's funny how you don't hear from some people unless they want something. Heh, makes things alot clearer now doesn't it?

I am at a strange impass. I don't know what to do. My mind is at unrest. I feel as though I'm being pulled into the undertow. I'm treading water as fast as I can, but I know I'm prolly going to go down with the ship. Yet, I've managed to keep avoiding the slip. Now how do you do that? I could make alot of money if I had a system but I don't really.

What I've currently been using as a method of coping is escapism. Not the classic booze and drugs although I can't plead innocent on that one, but it's more of day dreams. I create a whole new world and I spend my alone time there. Everything is new and untouched. Any and everything are a possiblity. The places and people change after I'm done playing in their world, but I always find a new one to go to. Normal? Healthy? No fucking clue. But it takes the pain away.

This is where my problem arises. IS what I'm doing healthy. The normal thing I couldn't care less. I just want to know if alternate realities with made up people and places is a good way to cope. It feels like it is. The places my mind takes me to are beautiful. They take the place of any other thoughts that may try and get into my head and keep them at bay. Seems like a good thing, but is it? By doing this am I simply just post-poning the problem? Is what I'm doing for comfort hindering my recovery? I don't know.

I've done this for most of life. I have always had a very vivid life like imagination that was easy to get lost in and day dream. I think that's good, everyone should disconnect from their reality from time to time. It's good for some peace of mind. In the same sense I don't feel like this is something to bring up with my doctors. I'm so afraid that it's "wierder" then normal. That's the fucking bitch of this all. You just don't know. All you know is what you've learned, and this is what I've learned.

So, once again, what's the lesser of two evils? Is it better to feel this. To suffer through this. To take it like a man and suck it up? Or is it better to be lost in a world of make beleive until this sorrow passes? Can it pass if I don't feel it? Or will it fade with time? I don't know.

Good news! My muse didn't kill themself, they were just on extended vacation!

So usually "a muse" is a beautiful woman. Now I can appricate a beautiful woman, you got it baby, flaunt it honey. It's all cool with me, never been the jealous type. But my muse doesn't fit the norm. Why should it? Nothing else I do does. So indeed this scary man brings out the creativity I deny myself from expressing. Haha, I need something wicked to force me with sheer fear. Do it, or he's sticking around until you do.

It seems he has given me the ability to write again. The writers block I've been hit with for the past 10 fucking years has lifted. Poetry is in my soul, something has taken up residence in the waste lands. This is very exciting for me because it sybolizes some sort of hope.

Writing has always been the most intimate thing for me. I lost my passion for it and it stopped letting me use it's lingustics to make beauty or pain or whatever they hell else I wanted. But to me, beauty is pain. I know I sound like a masochist...and perhaps I am. Given some of my expirences I could earn that title. But seriously there is a certain beauty in pain. It's hard to see but it's there. You find it by opening up the doors and allowing yourself to express it in your own way. The insperation it brings produces something of beauty. Even if it's scary or haunting.

Anyways, I don't feel I can properly express myself on this one. I lack correct words. Perhaps if I put any sort of effort into where I was going with the posts I could plan ahead. But I dunno. There is something that seems very strange about staging what you're going to write about. I've always done it by random, dating back to school essays. So who knows? I don't even care to tell you the truth.

Calling all cooties!

Ohh Mr. Burns. How do I love thee. Seriously best character ever, but I digress.

So yet again, I wake up with the cooties. I fucking hate winter....yes the meter reading thing totally feeds into it. How could it not? You go out and play in -50 degree's all winter for 5 years and I'm sure you'll agree. If you live in my neck of the world anyways. But cooties and winter go hand in hand for me. I don't know why but I'm pretty much sick all fucking winter. Gah. O well I guess I'll be taking alot of magical mystery tours with the benyln and the neo-citrian. Haha, I'll admit it's pretty funny to be all messed off cold meds sometimes. And hell might as well go into this on a positive note cause it's happening anyways.

Wow, I just looked at my desk. I have amassed a nice assortment of crap in a short period. Yay! I like clutter, I can't help it. To me, it's not clutter. It's life. It's clues to who I am. I'll be honest being in a seriously clean home freaks me right the hell out. It looks like no one lives there. But you know that they do. I had a friend whose parents house was like that. Seriously,

always felt uncomfortable.

I have a few decisions I need to make and get back to Paulette. I think I've made my mind up to atleast one. That's a big old NO on the H1N1 vacination. I'm lucky enough to fall into a high risk catagory. Wooo! Wait. Booo! Me having asthma makes me prone. Aswell as my age range and gender. Apperently it's taken out alot of women in their late 20's to early 30's. Me? Whatever. West Nile didn't scare me, avian bird flu I constently screamed I had it but was just kidding...hmm what else was suppose to kill us? Ohhh, Y2K. Fuck that was stupid. I remember watching the masses freak out and buy "survial supplies." So dumb. And now we're all terrified of swine flu. That will pass, but hey we got the next thing that's gonna "kill" us comming up. 2012!

Fuck that bullshit is annoying too. When the fuck are people going to start acting with some sort of marked intellegence. Ya know, instead of running around finding things to freak out about.

Ahhh people. You can't kill them or you'll probablly go to jail. Haha but atleast they'd be scared of something that's definitly out to get them. Me avec knife. :D

If only J would wake up!

Hahahaha, man that makes me laugh. Stupid pictures are one of the few things I still like on the internet.

So it's been an fast/slow few days. It feels like someone has a remote and their 3 year old is pushing fast forward and pause. Whatever, I'm not even sure that makes sense. Alot of things don't make sense to me.

I can't relate.

Nothing. I think it's a pretty good indication that my brain is up to it's old antics. When I get so disociated I don't even think most things are real. Illusion, I think that's what we live in. Or, we're a bunch of Sims...if so please don't build a kitchen fire and place me in the middle of it. I know, I know, so guilty of doing it to them. But technically they were marked for horrid deaths before they we're created.

Makes me wonder. You get all these christains telling you god has a plan, and blah blah blah. Everything is as it's suppose to, blah blah blah. Then why the fuck would you do this to my head? Fucker. That is if you're out there. I don't have a religious belief....I just don't care. I don't think any of them are right. Seriously, if the world does have some sort of creator do you honestly think you're smart enough to figure out the master plan? I'd call you an ego-maniac.

The whole thing, not just the christians but zelots from all faiths, just seems so bizzare. A bunch of crazy gods and goddesses that you think control your fate? Really? Doesn't that take personal responcibility out of it? And stop before you give me that god gave us the ability to make decisions. That completely conctradicts the plan crap. Plans need steps to work, they usually kill the hell outta you're freedom....side note, I hate plans...they just fuck up anyways. I don't even know why I'm talking about this.

In the end, every life is singular. Atleast that's how I see it. That indeed gives an individual to choose to beleive or not anything they want. I have no problems with people who follow a philosiphy ( they remain as philosiphies to me ). I guess I just don't understand why. Shit happens, fated or not, either way we don't know the answer. We never will so long as we breathe and depend on this frail body for our vehicle. So why worry? Random or not, we don't know. We just need to figure out what to do from that point on.

Ohh...Rocket Man just popped up on the player....haha yes I like Elton John too. Fuck you if you have a problem with that. He's awesome :)

"...burning out his fuse up here alone...."

How about we play question and answer?

So we have Mr. Kenny Rogers. What?!?!?! You like Kenny Rogers? I do. There is much about me that I like to keep shhh quiet. But this of course pays hommage to my favorite Kenny Roger's song, The Gambler. Has one of the best quotes I've ever heard in lyrics. "Every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser." That line is one that really hits ya were it matters for me. Because it's one of the best sumations I've heard given to life, in a quite simple manner. You're born, you get dealt a hand of cards to play. Nothing is impossible, even if you got fucked over and ended up with a bad hand, that doesn't mean it's your destiny. It's all what you do with what you got. Now it may be harder to win your hand when it ain't looking so good, but a good enough player can turn it around. Thanx Kenny, that theory has gotten me through much.


So I try to keep this to straight talking, and exposing. My pyschatrist thinks I need to write this out. So ya, I usally keep to the pondering. But today we're gonna make alittle different of a post, because after all, life is damn boring when nothing ever changes. So in the spirit of my Kenny Rogers admission I'm going to do one of those question answer things that flys around the internet. Don't worry, you prolly won't see one again.....or if you do, it will have to be severly different and a long ways down the road before I do it again.

So yah, some crap about me, might aswell:

FEMALE SURVEY: DON'T CHICKEN OUT GIRLS!
Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
Hah, nope. Good luck on that one, it's wierd :D

What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?
Humour baby. All about making me laugh hysterically...oh and not to give me pervert vibes.

Are you a girly girl?
I'm part girly girl, part tom boy, part pary girl, part crazy...I don't choose to fit into any group. Not a sheepole thanx! :D

Big or small purses?
Depends on where I'm going and what we are doing. If i'm going out for the night, I usually give my stuff to J to keep in his pocket so I don't have to worry about losing things.

Do you enjoy drama?
Fuck no. Drama queens need not apply to have anything to do with me. I've had enough of their bullshit in my life. I'm too old to be part of or start drama. Like seriously people, most of you have been outta highschool for along long time.

Did you dress up on Halloween?
No, not this year, I waited too late and couldn't find anything good :( Next year for sure. Halloween is the best!

Do you call anybody by their last name?
A couple people here and there.

How many guys will read this just because it says "FEMALE SURVEY"?
I don't care. I don't think anyone will read this...and again I don't care. I'm doing this to kill boredom for awhile.

Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?.
Yah-huh! For someone who didn't start wearing make up till after school I think I can do a pretty fine job!

Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Hahaha, yes....often

Eyeliner or mascara?
If I'm bothering to put make up on, then I'm going all out. Both!

American Eagle or Hollister?
I'm not your damn billboard. They can both take their preppy un-original styles and fuck themselevs. Such brand names actually will infulence me NOT to buy something, in the majority of circumstances.

Heels or Flats?
Heels....shemxxxy!

Straight or curly hair?
I prefer having straight hair, even though it seldom behaves itself. :P

Hoops or dangling earrings?
My little pink hoops I got when they pierced them in the first place. Those things are hard to get out and them put back in. So I leave 'em, they're comfy and that's what counts.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
Yea, who hasn't? Thanx for the reminders jerk face.

Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
I don't care. It's their body they can do whatever the hell they want to it.

Do you have a best friend?
Indeed! :D

Do you like your life?
It's getting better. A team full of doctors and medical people have helped me come leaps and bounds from day one. But sadly I'm not yet at the point where happiness comes easy.

Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
Haha yes, many times.

Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?
No, being soggy is yucky.

Ever slapped a guy in the face?
Haha, only one ex. He's like the only person I've ever physically smacked around. In my defence I thought he was gonna crack me one first.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
More then I'd like to admit.

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
Yea, again I think that's fairly normal.

Do you ever wish you were famous?
Actually I do. I could use my money and fame to bring attention to important causes and be able to contribute actual money that could help out the less fortunate.

IN A BOY:

Preppy or Punk/Goth?
I'm not interested in any guy who has an interest in labeling himself.

Contacts or Glasses?
Again, their body, they choose. Eyeware isn't going to make me like someone any less. You'd have to be pretty damn shallow for it to make a difference.

Good cook or take you out a lot?
I like a mix of both. But when it's time to cook we do it as a group activity...it's more fun!

Funny or Serious?
Funny. Please just give me a reason to smile. I don't respond well to the stoic and serious, they make me feel very uncomfortable.

Cute or Hot?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Looks don't matter to me. Haha, I have one ex who totally supports that one. God was he and ugly fucker....and just a flat out fucker, haha.

Smoker or non-smoker?
Non smoker would be nice, but again the whole their body to do with as they wish

Tall or short?
Taller than me, but I'm only 5 foot nothing. So, it's not really all that hard! :)

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Tell him "No way dude, I'm married. I wasn't a cheater when I was dating, I'm not going to start fucking around now that I'm married." Just straight up.

RANDOMS:

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
I think so, puzzles and logic are some of my greatest strenghts.

When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with a friend?
Oh man, high school with letty.

Who's the last person you had a sleepover with?
Does Jordan count? He always sleeps with me. Sometimes when I visit home my mom will come and sleep with me. :D

Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them?
Haha, all the time. I am anti-social a good chunk of the time. I just don't trust people.

Do you know anyone with such a terribly annoying voice that you can't even stand it?
The only people who fall into that catagory are people I really don't like. In that case I can't even stand what they're saying. All I hear is, "blah blah blah, I'm stupid, blah blah blah." Heh, heh, heh.

On average what do you think you cry about the most?
When my brain malfunctions and my disorders "come out to play." :(

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?
I do. Miss that guy, he lives too far away.

Who was the last guy you talked to?
Mark

Do you think best friends can be replaced?
Yes, to an extent for a period of time. But I think if you're really best friends you make up no matter what. Cuz really, your life is just so much better with them in it.

Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot?
Yes!

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I hope so. Alteast one good thing makes it seem worth it to go on.

Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?
Pick the topic, I'll give you the friend to go to.

What friend do you tell the most to?
Jordan hears everything.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Jordan...defintily. I was pissed!

Are you going anywhere next summer?
I'd like too! :)

Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?
No, but I think I'll call J when this is all said and done.

Are you shy?
No, stand-offish is a better word for me. Again, major trust issues.

Are you talkative?
If I like you, yes. Although sometimes I like the company, but I feel like a people watching mood.

Do you secretly like someone?
No.

Do you announce when you have to pee?
Haha, I do. I'm pure class!

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Jordan is pretty much the only non medical professional that sees me cry.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Yes...especially the rage and the pure hatred I'm haunted by.

How is life going for you right now?
It's up in the air, and I'm not sure which way is the best way to go. Life is a challenge at said point in time.

Do you trust people easily?
Haha, already been covered a few times. NO, but then again I'm paranoid.

Do you give out second chances easily?
I do. But I shouldn't. I just end up getting fucked over again, so in the future I've made the decsion that if you fuck up bad enough, you're gone. Not if's, and's, or but's about it. You are dead to me.

Do you smile a lot?
I don't think so. :( Not much here makes me smile. I'm never happy in this city, it's no fun at all.

One thing you're looking forward to?
Maybe finally getting to learn how to play my guitar. Two of my friends can both play and offered to teach me! :D Now I just have to find my guitar in my boxes of moving stuff.

How do you feel about change?
What are we changing? I need to know that to make the ultimate decision. For the most part I welcome it. I get bored easy.

Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes, I've done worse things then that....

Last time you got a text message and smiled?
Haha, those pervert jokes Amanda sends me.

Have you ever made anyone laugh when they were crying?
Haha, yes!

Are you happy?
This is the 3rd fucking time you've asked a question like this. No for the last god-damned time. Now quite trying to bring me down.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
No, they all needed to go. Our time together ended as it needed to.

Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself?
I like having a few people around. You actually have a chance of having an interesting converstation/friendly debate. I don't like large crowds.

If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Yah, I'm a country girl. I've been camping a million times and know lots of wilderness do's and don'ts! :D

So anyways, there's some pointless crap about me. I again had nothing nice to say, so I said something way the hell off what I'm thinking. I can't articulate to my fullest capacity the things I am thinking. Perhaps, I'll be able to sort it out and ramble about something alittle more deep. But hey that's writers block for ya!

Hahaha, I love Irony!

Heh, heh, heh....Thanx Ambis. This picture always makes me giggle. Next halloween it's inspired me to do something awesome with my pumpkin. I have a whole year to plan, Muahaha!

So ya, I'll admit I am someone who takes pleasures in other peoples misery. But not on every occasion. 99% of the world falls into the catagory of empathy, that last 1% however are subject to every evil wish and intention I could hope on someone. I can't help it if I find it funny that someone who made my life hell for longer then necessary is having terrible luck. Ha....haha....hahaha. Ya fuck you, I know I'm being a Cartmen. I don't care. There are a few people on a list that karma needs to wack on my behalf. And no, I'm not being crazy here. I have been seriously screwed over by my share of people. Why'd ya think I"m so caustic and seemingly hostile? People is about all the answer you need. So if you think I'm a terrible person that's fine, I already do. But I get my "ha-ha's" in while I can because sometimes my life goes along time without any.

So other then the hysterics not much is going on. Had awesome homemade pizza last night. My friend made the dough herself! She was nice enough to invite us over to make one of our own. Soo Yummy. Haha, cept we forgot to put the pizza back in the fridge last night....I wanted a late night snack. And then *thud* ZzzzZZzzzzz.

We sleep so much better here........

"Wow...this lemonade...it tastes...sooo yellow" - J

Hehehe, tiny monkey! I wish I had a tiny army of them with the ebola virus...Muahahaha. Then I'd have an evil tiny monkey army! That's so what I'm asking for this year for Xmas.

The quote at the title, so much funnier if you were there, but whatever I'm lazy today and don't feel like being all that creative.

So what do I feel like? Well my horiffic stomach pains have decreased. They're not all gone, but atleast I can sit at my computer today and not suffer to terribly for doing anything besides lying down with a hot water bottle on my stomach. Oh and the Neo-Citrian...been drinking that stuff like mad. Not really for the sick factor, but of all the cold/flu meds out there that's the one that's gonna knock me out. Tastes like how I imagine Lemon flavored Zombies to taste like. Which ='s blech.

Almost 3...god do I hate the day time. There is nothing to do. The most exciting part of my day is lunch when I get to take my pills. Wooo! After that I have zero responcibilities. Now I know this going to sound absurd, but I wish I had some things to do. Something to keep me busy, brain focused on other things instead of it's usual unhealthy obbessions that come with the territory.

Bah, this isn't going anywhere. Alot of the times I just start writing and I'll find a topic to ramble about. Today it's not happening.

Give a big round of applause for apathy!

Idiots with a soap-box

Stupid, cocksucking, ass licking, mother fucking pieces of shity garbage.

*breath* There now that feels better.

Now for the reason of my cussin' spree. Well facebook always has "gems" of wisdom to share. I've been thinking about killing my account for along long time, but I haven't. Problem is that there are a few people far away I'm still intrested in communicating with. Unfortunatly facebook has become the easiest way to do it. I remember ages ago when it was MSN messenger. Yah, not so much anymore.

So anyways this guy married to a friend of mine decided he would bash the suicidal. Yes, and his friends, cept one girl, and my apprent friend all jumped on bored. Apperently we do it for attention. I mean it's "not like it's that hard, eezy peezy," from one ass. And I quote. Also "Looking to place the blame on other people" right outta my supposed friends mouth.

EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

1- If you think killing yourself is easy, Mr. Asshole, please go and try it. I bet you, you couldn't do it. Now being able to do it is nothing you should strive for. None the less, I've sadly heard countless stories of people who tried to end it and failed. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I have been one of "those" people more then a few times, but the number stays with me.

2- Selfish? Hmmmm. See this is a case where the two worlds don't understand each other. Except one is too fucking stupid to see it another way. When someone gets to the point where they are ready to throw in the towel, to say fuck it and walk away, something is VERY wrong with that person. They are ill. If they hurt so much that death is the only way to find peace they need help. Not to have names tossed at them by jerks who don't get it. The reality of my suicide attempts/obbsessive thoughts about it, may not be and probably is not the same for everyone else. None the less they are there. Do I want those thoughts? NO. Do I have those thoughts anyways? YES. You see it's not something I control. Sometimes my brain short circuts and says "alright today is the last." I dunno if you've ever tried arguing with the voices in your head, you never usally win. So I think lack of compassion is more suited then selfish.

3- Placing the blame on other people. Really? That's what I'm trying to do? I wasn't aware I was blaming anyone for anything. What should I do? Yell at a science poster that markes the places in the brain where mine differ and made me this way? So if I kill myself I'm doing it to place blame on my brain or sicence? Or is it my gentics? Hey ya...gentics! I should go yell at my grandmothers grave...she gave me the genes. Then proceed to hunt down my great grandfathers' grave, since he gave those genes to her. Yah I'll piss on that one. *eye roll* Someone help me out here, cuz apperently I'm blaming someone but I'm really not sure who that is. But I LOVE when people tell me why I do things/think things. I had no idea there were so many fucking doctors out there.

Fucking ignorant whores. They don't know and will never know what it's like. In extreme cases of ignorance is about the only time I pull this one out. I hope each one of them who participated in bashing people with serious problems have children. And of those children I hope they all get atleast one child with a horrid disorder that short circuts their brain from time to time and they attempt suicide. Heh, I honestly hope some of them succed. Creul, yes. But sometimes that's what it takes.

I'm sick of people telling me why I do things. Although it is intresting to see what your "friends" really think when they have no idea such a problem affects someone they've claimed to care about. The best thing for me to do is to sever contact as much as possible. I don't have anything nice I want to say. In fact, I wanna say the meanest most hurtful things I can cook up. Whether I mean them or not, or whether they're even the truth or not. I'm out for blood, so I should probablly just keep my distance.

Although, it might be fun to let scary Amanda outta the cage again for awhile........It's okay. If suicide is such a selfish thing to do then they can just wait for my next psycotic episode. Last time I thought I was the Angel of Death. I'm serious you guys can ask my hubby. So as the Angel of Death it was my mission/duty to cleanse the world. Yah, I was sick. So how about next time I just come and pick every single one of them off. My inner Angel of Death thinks such intollerence and callousness towards you're fellow human beings justly calls for death.

And yes you judgemental whores, I don't just flip suicidal, I also flip homicidal.

P.S. Have your face ripped off by a grizzly you fuckers.

For the rest of you, bye byes.

Piggy - NIN = a glimps of what part of my brain is saying

hey pig

yeah you

hey pig piggy pig pig pig

all of my fears came true

black and blue and broken bones you left me here I'm all alone

my little piggy needed something new

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I just don't care

hey pig

nothing's turning out the way I planned

hey pig there's a lot of things I hoped you could help me understand

what am I supposed to do?

I lost my shit because of you

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care

nothing can stop me now

cause I don't care anymore

nothing can stop me now

cause I just don't care

nothing can stop me now

you don't need me anymore

nothing can stop me now

nothing can stop me now

nothing can stop me now

Another Monday, Another Week

Monday...please take Grannies advice. The rest of those jerks out there, Grannie also has some advice for you.

Well it's cold, as per usual these days. I hear my in-laws chatting. I dunno, it's always alittle wierd being here when he isn't. I hope we get our tax return soon, that may aid us in getting the hell out of a joke of a hicktown gone thinks it's a city. As well as this lame province, haha, I'm sorry I'm just so utterly unhappy here. The only good thing this place has going for it are it's doctors and community medical personal. That's it. I will give that city this much....although going to the ER is pretty much a waste of your time. If you wanna wait for 2-4 hours in the waiting room, be my guest.

So I know some stuff, it makes me annoyed. It proves the sentiments I've been echoing for quite some time now. I hope it finally sets in. You can't deny at this point. But in the end it is all inconciquental ( no clue how wrong I spelt that :D ). In the true end, I don't give a fuck. I really don't. What gets to me is the degree of fakeness, and the degree some people are willing to let it run to. How can you be so two-faced and shallow, yet pretend that everything is a-ok. Like, it's not doing me any benefit, don't flatter yourseleves. I think they're driven to behave in a way that makes a good apearence. "I'm not a bad person because blah blah blah." It's bullshit. I maybe outspoken but atleast I won't back stab you. Loalty is what it really comes down to what matters most in any relationship I have. If I doubt it, I doubt you. Not many have done much to change my mind.

If the people only knew what was said behing their backs. Haha, pretty nasty shit. Let them have their sweet delusions, reality comes crashing the party at some point. Oh, and they are shitty parties on a parting note!

Sniffy & Snotty

I love fractles...they're about they only thing I like about math. Trust me I have no idea how to make them. I think they tried to teach me that....? I dunno, I was liquored up often in grade 12 math class, haha it definitly helped make that class alittle more "fun." Anyways I figured I sucked at math in the first place so alittle booze ain't gonna make a difference. Oh, and my teacher was an idiot. He told us flat out that he wouldn't help anyone with a question, we should have learned it from his earlier teachings. Fucker. Only reason I passed is my good friend was in the class and he is a math wiz. He was constantly tring to fix/help me out with me work. He's a cool guy, I wish I could see him again...cept he lives in a new country now. Oh well, one of these days :)

Yesterday was halloween. We tried watching some horror movies. The 1st one we put on was bad! Low-track baby. It looked like some horrid art student film. The cam work was that freaking amuture. The movie was suppose to based on the true story of the Zodiac Serial Killer. It was NO WHERE even close. They fucked up the 1st victim story completely, and for some reason there was a psyic chick?!?!? WTF, so it pissed me off. We shut it off at the 15-20 min mark....20 being pretty optimistic. Don't tell me true story and then attempt to feed me crap. I know my serial killers. They happen to be a passion of mine, or an intrest level if that makes you feel more comfortable with it. So ya boo, hiss, thumbs way down.

My kitten is spaztic as hell right now. I think I'm going to go fight him. Or maybe eat? I dunno...