Someone tell me if I hate that or not

I like the bunny...I don`t hate it. So no worries there.

Gah, i`m so listless. I feel like i`m just pacing up and down with nowhere to go. Got a hold of CCP canada yesterday...they told me that my befits have never stopped. Gee fucktards something I kinda would have liked to know. He also tole me he had how long they;d take on my case. Some times the suject in question (me) never hears back from them at all. Which is a good thing. THen only time you do hear from these people is when they`re calling to tell you bye bye.


I HATE EVERYTHING!!!! maybe i should talk to pete

It's like fucking Xma$

Yah, I just went drunk everyday to math class, haha. Well only grade 11 & 12, horror befell me. But it wasn't so bad. When you are seriously the dumbest kid in the class (takes a bow, thank you, thank you), it's a fucking serious advantage to have one of your best friends is the smartest kid in the stupid class...heh heh heh. So we of course sat next to each other at the table and at the computer and whenever I'd fuck up *cough* every question* I"d poke him, he'd laugh tell me to let me to finish the one he's working on and then come fix the disaster I had made. Haha I made some good ones :D

He moved to the States after grad, he has duel citizenship. But this month he's comming to visit freaking Canada!!! I haven't seen him since 03 when I when I went to go pick him up and drive him here :D Fucken eh man. Fucken eh. I get to meet his gf too :) I hope she's nice.

So yah, that's all that's all that's going on in my head. Oh and Love Game "let's play a love game, love game, do you want love or you want fame...."

P.s. Chris go eat a bag of dicks maybe you'll stop wreaking like dead hotdogs.....hahaha. Oh yah they're alive for awhile. They live on they rigid plains of Poland, seen it on the Discovery Channel so it has to be true. Oh yah and I know ALL about that piss sex stuff and dirty porno toilet gang bang, so just keep that in mind.

Toodles ya fucking pervert.

Mad Love To The Rest Of My Gators
xoxoxoxo

2 years...i guess i should be happy or something.....

Wish-Nine Inch Nails

This is the first day of my last days

I built it up now i take it apart climbed up real high now fall down
Real far.
No need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away
I put my faith in god and my trust in you
Now there's nothing more fucked up i could do

Wish there was something real wish there was something true
Wish there was something real in this world full of you

I'm the one without a soul i'm the one with this big fucking hole
No new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell
Gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuck
Don't think you're having all the fun
You know me i hate everyone

Wish there was something real wish there was something true
Wish there was something real in this world full of you

I want to but i can't turn back
But i want to

Yah well for whatever it's worth it's my 2 year wedding anniversary but little sisters boyfriend destroyed my brain yesterday.....It was all just a flash back. Too real. I was her again, trembling and scared but refusing to show it. Never. He'd never see the weekness, He's love it too much, that's what he wanted the whole time. To see me break. I'd never give him that.

They left, the flashback got more real. Until they just bled into the same person, there was no difference. I needed mommy. I said mommy like a child. Because that's what I was reduced to. I was that terrified 7 year old again except this time mommy would come and did come. Mommy was here. Mommy wasn't gone somewhere and I wasn't left to cry all alone like I was as a kid. At 29.....Mommy. She finally gave me a hug and held on when I needed it. It's complex at the very least.

I'm damaged...okay.

I had a massive panic attack, which broke into uncontrollable sobbing. I don't even know how long it lasted but it seemed like that stinging liquid wouldn't stop rushing. But it did and then I was happy.

I was happy because sisters boyfriend reminded me of the bad man and the things that happened over that decade. The bad man was just trying to show me my lot in life. What I was. What I was worth. What I deserved. That's all. Preparing me for the real world. He wasn't cruel. He didn't hurt me. He didn't abuse, he was a teacher.

I felt bliss. Joy. Better then any drug I'd ever taken had made me feel. I'd found my purpose. I'm here to be stepped on. To be smacked around. To be hurt. To be used. To abused. That's okay. Because atleast I finally know why I'm here. The bad man hadn't abused me for a decade at all, he was training me for my place in the world.

I was randomly laughing like a maniac. I scared my husband & my mother, they tried to take me to the ER. They said I was psycotic. I was. It's the only time I feel happy, and fuck was I happy. I wasn't going to any fucking Dr. I felt too good. Knowing I was garbage felt good. Knowing I was worthless felt good. My husband told me my pupils were huge "kitty eyes" which apperently happens when the body is under extreme stress. I didn't know that. I learned something. He also told me I looked hollow. Mom and him didn't understand.

Feeling hollow was fantastic.

And I was hollow, there was nothing inside. And it was great, the memories, the scares, it was all just gone. Nothing left to haunt me. Just a shell who'd been bitch slapped into her place. You are nothing, you never will be anything because you're not worth anything. So that big dream you have, silly stupid little girl, you can't do that. Remember the bad man told you, you're stupid, and ugly, and worthless, and a waste. I can't do anything. I was deluded to start listening to my psychrist Dr.M. After 5 years I was almost starting to...well that doesn't matter. Cuz I was fucking dumb to think otherwise.

Now I remember my role. Except I'm not psycotic anymore, so I'm not happy anymore. I'm just fucking depressed. I want to cut the fuck outta myself. I need to punish myself and suffer for being so fucking awful. Between periods of sobbing of course. I hate myself.

No one understands....but I think Reznor gets it. This how it will be until I end it... which maybe sooner then I think.

I'm pissed again,it's called compassion: you heartless bitch

Look man even Prime is with me on this one.

God this is just sad. Breaks my heart for those nearest to the situation. I wish there was something I could do to take their pain away....but I can't. :'( I'd move fucking mountains to take the pain from her.

Anyways, growing up my life wasn't exactly Disney material, haha. That's kinda how you end up with so many brain Doctors. Makes sense right? But hey man that's alright, you can't change what was, all you can do is pick yourself up and live for now and head any direction you damn well please, so long as it's ahead. I know I'm down alot on here. But uhh, yeah, My shrink suggested I start this as a therapy tool so I'm SUPPOSE to come on here when I feel yucky and let my brain vomit. So you don't get to see positive me. Haha, but I do exisit. But I'm still a bitch :D

Back on topic, now growing up was awful. Abuse in a few forms, that's all you'll ever get outta me. BUT there was one super super awesome thing :) I met my best friend in kindergarden, when we were 5. It got even cooler! We moved when I was in kindergarden and we ended up moving to the same street as her!!! So we grew up 3 houses apart from each other like all the way up through highschool, it was bitchen' :) I swear you needed the jaws of life to pry us apart at times, lol. We even have the same first name, haha. So yes I love her with everything I have. Because even though everything else sucked about being a kid, when I was with her, none of it mattered. I didn't have to put up with "bad things." I didn't have to take on adult responsiblities as a fucking 7 year old. No. We could play. I got to be a real kid. I got to draw pictures on the sidewalk with chalk. I got to do all the stupid things little girls do when they giggle about boys in school. I was a kid. I got a taste of what that was like. It was great. It was beautiful. It made me happier then I think anything in this life ever has. Haha I'm such a dork, tears are forming as I think back, but happy ones. See happy ones, not those fucking sad ones I always have. So yes, I've given you some background. We will call her Yellow, because everytime I see the colour I smile and think of her.

Now another way I consider myself really fucking lucky. All the bad shit did happen resulted in Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don't know much about it, umm it makes ya really fucking mean when you get mad....haha that's why I say: small, yup...but piss me off and you really are asking for a beating cuz I can and have gotten pysically violent and hurt people. But, because of the "bad that's happened" if you are kind to me, I'm extremly kind, tollernt, loyal, compassionate.....fuck bottom line is I'll do anything I can for my friends. And I'd never sell 'em out for anything & you couldn't offer me any crazy amount of $$$ to ditch them. Loyal to the end bitch :) So ya mess with them and I'll also rip you're fucking face off too, haha. So in being such a friend obviously I had alot of friends. I got lucky and have more then a few people that I get to call best friend :) Yay! And they're all awesome, trust me you'd love 'em ;)

So enter the problem. I met one of these other best friends in high school, her name is Orange. Any I use to put Yellow and Orange on the same footing not really knowing which one was my "best" friend, the top. The king pin, but after this I am so fucking discusted I can't believe I was so stupid that I even had to think about it. *kicks self in the face* The internet makes everything possible! Hahaha.

Yellow has just suffered a horrific family death. No one seen it comming. It happened to someone very young. Everyone in the area is just in shock, shaken....such a sense of loss hangs over the area. It was such a random accident. Yellow and I don't live in the same city at the moment, about 4 hours apart...but I intend on moving to where she does live. When the body was discovered, I spent the entire next day talking to her. We're talking around 14 hours here people, she was destroyed and fuck man I'd be too. God I'd do ANYTHING to take that pain away. Give it to me, I'm use to hurting...just not Yellow. Don't make her cry. Shatters my heart, more then my own head. So ya regardless of the 4 hour distance I spent atleast 14 hours with her (all day) just getting her through. I did cheer her up, but I didn't go anywhere until she was going to sleep. Then and only then did I stop talking to her.

Orange that fucking cunt, knows what's happened. She knows how closely related he was to Yellow but she doesn't fucking care. She has passed on no sympathies, condolances, not a fucking thing. How the hell can you be so cold? Or callous? Heartless? Where is your compassion? Are you a god-damn robot? I don't understand. I can't watch the news because it makes me sick to see what people do to each other. Lord those feed the african children commercials make me cry. Orange has known Yellow since fucking high school...and nothing. Not even an "I'm sorry for your loss." She couldn't even take the fucking time to lie. Fuck I wanna kick the shit outta her. Ooo yet she was quick to show sympathy for other parties involved in this sad event. But of course not Yellow.

It's always been that way though, like back since high school. Yellow has always been nothing but nice...super nice to Orange. But Orange has always been a fucking bitch when it comes to Yellow.....then again to be honest alot of people have secretly told be that Orange was a fucking bitch. Hahaha, and well she is. I've thought it myself. I have no idea why she hates Yellow. I've asked her, but she'd never tell me. She'd just skirt the question. After over a fucking decade since we graduated (man I'm old, haha) and them not seeing each other you think Orange would have grown the fuck up. But no, still the same fucking whore ass cunt bag.

So here my friends is the conclusion of all of this. Sometimes it takes something truly horrific to help you sort and understand and see true natures and colours. And I have. I have seen the saddest face of one of the most beautiful souls I've met in my life. Who after reflection has brought so much fun and happiness into my life : Yellow. On the other hand, I see a bitter, spiteful, self centered bitch. Whose always been that way, yet I've kept forgiving. Seriously we shared an appartment once, fuck she was a nazi. I almost commited suicide in the bathroom 3 or 4 times because she always so fucking hostile. I have no Idea why i didn't. Something bigger is out there and it stopped me. Hahaha, she was so god awful I actually tried to arson our appartment. Almost got away with it, but my stupid boyfriend at the time noticed the smoke while it was still stoppable. But I did have fire going. *sigh*

So Orange is kicked from best friend catagory needless to say. Fuck, Orange isn't in any friend range at all. I don't care what your personal feelings are, in the face of this kind of horror...Fuck it you get it.

Orange Fuck YourSelf. In all reality I always do/did have more fun with Yellow. Heh, and I like her better cuz she's not so fucking moody. She's never fucking moody or high maitence. Or a god-damned drama queen. Ooo ya, and she know's the meaning of and likes to have fun. She's not "too mature" for things. "eye roll" Choke on a dick Orange....or as many as you can cram into your face. If any dude isn't grossed out by your face for that anyway.

So Yellow I've said it once and I'll say it again. Me & you to the end babe. And I know you've asked me what the fuck her problem is, I've finally got an answer for ya. I'll tell you when I talk to ya later today, or if that doesn't happen for some strange reason, then yah tomnorrow. She's fucking jealous. You're prettier then she is. So of course guys pay more attention to you. You're nicer to people then she is, so that means people like you more. You're skinnier then she is. I know that's fucking petty, but fuck that's how chicks work. You're just fucking more cool and more awesome. Hahaha, case closed.

Yellow Rules. I love you, forever. *kicks feet under chair like a 5 year old with a big grin* You're my bestest friend. You always have and will be forever. But ya know, it's funny cuz I think I alrealy knew that. Haha, you're right when you say we're weird. :P I should buy you a bouquet of Pixie Stix, haha I'm so doing that the next time I see you.

Orange, Optimus & I think you're an evil person. Like I said man you can't argue with him. Leader of the Autobots? Hello? Yah, didn't think so. You suck.

I love Tori Amos xoxoxox

They call us "Toriphile's." And yes indeed I am. I love her. She is the best female muscian I have ever come across. Notice I can use the word muscian here. She not some crap ass generated corporate whore. She's the real deal. She has actual talent, nothing fake, nothing planned, or prentend. What you see, what you hear, is her. And it's deep. It's true beauty. I love at her live shows when she says fuck. It rules, haha. She's passion. She's everything music should be. God why isn't everything as real as she is? Oh yah then pop "music" wouldn't exist, and I'd be happy. Fucking pussycat whores, oh yes let's see who else is vital to our musical enjoyment. Ah who could live without Eminem aka the talentless hack who hangs on to fame by bashing the actually talented to keep his name prevelent. Yup treat there. Fuck why did we have to loose Cobain? Why couldn't it be the Jonas fuckers who blew their brains out with shot guns? I'm not encouraging suicide, but ya let's face it they're too pussy to do it. Or man John Lennon, like fuck a legend before his passing, which was far too soon. What the fuck? Why take him? And you leave ass fucks like 5o Cent, Miley Cyrus, and god damned Limp Bizkit to follow in his wake? Are you fucking me? Like seriously? I could go one forever. There are a still a few artists out there that make music worth listing to, but fuck the number of douches get higher and higher everyday. I'm afraid one day they'll be no one to save us from them. *shudder* Someone save us from the fuck-tards making shitty ass crap they dub "music" these days. I must go. On that note. Rest In Peace Johnny Cash.

Damn Mania, or is this a mixed a episode...either way I wanna pull my hair out

So this is Astoroth, I call him Little Man, haha. Umm he's not so little. But once upon a time he was tiny. I haven't seen him for a long time. I miss my kitty, but right now it's best for us both. We're both sickies...poor little guy :(

Well I'm almost done my paper work to send back to disability Canada. That scares the living hell outta me. I don't know why. I haven't been anything but completely honest, I've given them every bit of info they've asked for so far, and I've gotten my pyschirts to fill out his part. Hell I even have most of the really ridiculous stuff they want from me. I have to wait but about 10:30ish today I have to contact by phone or I think I'll go down to the hospital. I need a record of how many times I've been in the psyc ward since 2006, the stupid thing is they expect you to remember that off the top of your head. Are you kidding me? That's 4 damn years. I dunno. I can think of at least 4 times. Haha, I'm more then willing to bet there's more. So I'm gonna have to get a print out because they leave you space for one visit. Yah let's take a step back and apply some logic shall we.

Alright, I've been deemed, up untill this point (who knows what desision they'll make after the review) by the government and my doctor as too ill to work. Now that being said, does it really make sense if I'm that sick that I'm only going to have ONE stay in the psyc ward? Cuz to me the anwser pretty much screams no alittle more then loud and clear. But hey whatever, the government is stupid. It's not like that's a news flash, haha.

Oooo, I got a ring from J for my b'day. It finally came back from being resized on the 11th. I'll have to take a pic and use it next time so you can see it. It's pretty, and shiney, and it makes me happy, and I love it.

But yah, small bone strutrue is awesome at times and sucks at others. Like rings. They always have to be resized. This one is on my cussin' aka swear finger (haha how 5th grade of me) and it had to sent in, now it fits after they "me" sized it to a 4.5. But clothes rule. Haha, I own a shirt that's an xxxsmall. Like who the hell fits that? ME!!! I sometimes have to purposely shrink my clothes, lol. Way funny. People I know randomly come up and airplan spin me, fun yes...untill they put me down. Haha, then I'm nice and disoriented and wanna fall over. But ya like size 0 clothes pfft nothing easy, haha so many people wanna hurt me for that right now. Last time I weighed myself I was a deadly 96 pounds of kung-fu action.

BUT don't think I'm sick. Don't think I starve myself. Don't think I puke up my din-din. I AM healthy. First off I have an increadably small bone structure. That aside, you don't beleive me, simple. Go to google my friend and search "bmi" which of course stands for body mass index. This calculates healthy weights for people of different heights. Slam my info in there. I'm healthy. I'm at the lower end granted, but I still fall into healthy range. 5 foot nothing 96 pounds = healthy weight range. I just lost 60 pounds so shut up and stop hating. If you've got a problem with weight DO something about it, don't get pissed at me.

Alright I'm bored...I'm gonna blare music. I have Sex Type Thing stuck in my head. That song is always in my head. Ahh STP the world is a better place with you in it. Or mine is anyways, and to be honest mine is the only one I care about. Haha, atleast I'm honest. :D

"sometimes I think I can see right through myself" NIN

Everyone is telling me that things are looking "up" but I can't help but have a feeling of doom or dread or whatever. Something negative is looming. Something is telling me that. Change is comming but it's not bring anything welcome. It's bringing more unpleasnent news since it has been since Easter of last year. It will let up...I know it will. But it's not done. I just wish I knew what it was. God I hate feeling the vibrabrations but not being able to know who or what to attch them too, it's a horried waiting game. Usually they give me a peek, but not this time. That's what freaks me out....I'm left completely blind. Just brace yourself, the form, the person, surprise.

So Dr. Marcoux finally filled out my form, now I have a chunk I have to do and then toss it in the mail. Gah, who knows how long it'll take them to take them to get it to review it. And when they do, if they'll reaprove it. They should. Everyone I know, shakes their head like "hell NO" when asked if they think I should go to work again. I don't think I should. Who wants to be dealing with a store employee and then all of a sudden have that worker flip phsycotic and paranoid...haha not idea. Nothing like a lunitic running around the place screaming " I am the angle of death." Haha cuz one time I totally did. Another time I thought deamons lived in showers...interesting where these ideas come from.

Anyways, I'm going to maybe consult some oruculs, definitly the tatrot and see if I figure out what the hell this feeling is all about.

Later Gators

gah I hate cold mornings

A baba on skis? I couldn't tell ya...but something about it amused me.

So Topamax has finally tried to stop killing me. That's a pro. Food still sucks though. Yesterday I found other ones it has taken from me, chips & chocolate milkshakes...NOOOOO. Fuck. O well, if that's what it costs, then that's what it costs. I'm not a hedonist anyways. But I will admit eating the same kind of food that I know I can does suck after awhile. It's like, "yay it's ___ again, Wooo" Haha, sigh.

This will make no sense to anyone but me but it's my fucking blog so that's the point. I was Right. They fucking hate me, hahaha. Fucking jerks. They hated me before day one, I didn't even stand a chance. Chalk another victory up to intution, and to whom it may concern: don't take this is a braggy way but because you'd NEVER beleive me, I told you so. We have results that speak for themselves. Haha I love pissing people off, seems like I did one hell of a job of this one. :D

Other then that nother new, I have some dumb government paper work I need to fill out regarding my disabiliy status, that'll be done and sent off next week. God I hate filling out those forms. They are teh stupid. But hey you do what you gotta.

My life is missing a partner in crime. It used to have many.

I hate how people change. Awesome to snotty & pretentious and there is nothing you can do but watch. It's like watching flowers being over grown by weeds. Something that was once so unique, and that strange factor is what gave it's charm that's been stiffled and killed. No more creativity. Now another sheep. Content to keep up apperences, hell have to look good, even if it takes half an hour to go to the fucking grocery store. I'm glad I'm hobochique, and not superficial. I think the day I came to that realization is the day I would kill myself.

Bahhhh! Remember kiddies, like Cake said "Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell."

yah, so about the 30th

So upon my horror the 30th is my 29 birthday. Fuck, I'm so old I use to ride raptors to school....atleast I wish I did. Man that'd be sweet ass cool. Totally bitchen. I should be taking a shower right now, but there's no music in there. I can't explain it, I NEED it. Haha, I'm a junky. So I will admit this is an old photo, about 6 years BUT that's what's wicked fantastic about it. Let me tell you a mini story...I promise it'll be mini :)

See I moved to that other horrible place I hate. Took a mood stabalizer, that made me gain like 65 -70 pounds. I was working out at the gym 4-5 a week, eating better, didn't matter. Still got nailed. Messed with your metabolism I guess. So it didn't stabalize anything, pulled me from the stupid drug. I was on it for like 8 monthes. That's it dude. All that weight in 8 fucking months. I was pissed.

So I said come hell or high water, it's going. I'm getting back to size tiny...and I HAVE! Dude the first 20 came of easy but the last 55 wouldn't fucking leave. I did and tried everything. And then me and my old friend Topamax met up again. Topamax is the most effective drug I've ever been on, ecpt the last time we had to pull it cuz the dosage I was on was too high (twice of what i'm taking now) It made my kindney's bleed and then gave me a seziure...best time ever. But this time...sooo different. I suffered through the first few monthes of wanting to die, cuz trust me it's one bitch of a drug. But I'm a lucky bitch, I got nailed with one of it's good yet odd side effects for a psyc med.....wieght loss :D

I wieghed 155 pounds like 4 maybe 5 monthes ago, haha now a giant 98. Haha, fucking 98 pounds. Dude, that's what I wieghed in and after high school. It's fucking great. At my lightest I was 94, I have no idea if Topamax is done with me or not, but it's bitchen. All of a sudden I have all these fucking adorable/cute clothes I can wear again. It's like a mass shopping spree. Haha I went out and celebrated by buying a new bikini...it's damn cute. Oh and before you freak out about the 98 pound thing I'm 5 foot nothing. Go google a BMI index throw in the info, it's heathly.

But ya wanna a self esteem boost? Lose 57 pounds, haha did the trick for me. I missed being a skinny bitch. So yah that's an old picture of me...and I posted it just to point out that I'm smaller then that now. Let's hear it for the petite chiciquta's in the world!!! We rawk babes. They may underestemate us because of our size, but that's only once the wrath has been unleashed!! \m/

Shut your fucking mouths already before I do it by breaking your jaw and having it wired shut

Alright, I'm not quite sure why I decided to use a picture where I'm smiling cuz I'm seriously fucking pissed here. I have had enough. That's it. I'm hostile, and ready to beat the living christ fuck outta someone. Basicly the next person who crosses that line I'm going to take out. Now you might laugh and think "How cute" and pat me on the head and not give it a second thought. But boy I'm warning you, I'm not a chick to be toyed with. I may be only be 5 feet tall and 100 pounds but if you think that's going to stop me from making you pay you're dead wrong fucker. See, I'm a hell of alot scarier then you have a concept of. I'm one tough bitch. I'll pull out all the stops, and do whatever it takes to win. I've been a fighter my whole life. You have no fucking clue what if was like to grow up the way I did and to keep it simple it wasn't easy. I refuse to get into details dude, cuz past is past, and that's what therapy is for. :P I'll fucking smash a chair across your face. I'll grab a pen and stab you in the eye with it and the of course both ears. I will rip out each and every finger and toe nail you have. Then apply vinger followed proply by salt. Why only one eye? Simple, I want you to see what's comming...O yah your mouth will be duct taped so don't bother screaming and you will be handcuffed in several places so don't worry, you shant be escaping. Oh, yes and for that wounded eye, I have some bleach I intend to pour down into it. I forgot to mention I'm a sadist. I LOVE to watch people suffer and beg for their usless lives. Hah, too bad I don't care. Now I've already told you too much, there will be more, much more, we haven't even gotten to the bloody mess yet *Smile* I love seeing other people bleed. Ooo and on of my biggest strengths is my creativitys. So expects some surprises. I love surprieses. You probably won't, but I don't fucking care about you puppet. I'll just spit on you and laugh alot. It'll be fun. I promise.

Now, why? Well I'm gonna tell you.

I'm getting sick and fucking tired of hearing of fucking stupid we blondes are. Like what the fuck? I don't think anyone who fucking knows me would call me stupid/dumb. Fuck no. Hell not even close. I feel more then fucking confident that they would tell you that I'm pretty god damn intellectual, complex and deep. Are you people aware that my dad is a fucking genius? Seriously, he could join god-damn Mensa if he wanted to, but he thinks it'd be boring cuz the people would be boring and pretentious. So as far as gentics go it's fairly reasonable to assume that I can't be a vapid bimbo. Oh my god she knows big words and how to use them in proper context, the world is comming to the end. Ya, go fuck yourself. You know, I've had quite a few people actually call me a genius? Now I don't if that's true, I've never taken a valid IQ test so I couldn't tell you what my score is, none the less it's more then a little flattering. Now any idiot who takes some dumb 10 quiz on the web and it tells them they're one and they fucking stupid enough to believe it, news flash, you can't be. A truely intullectual person wouldn't that fucking stupid to believe that crap in the first place. Yah like really, 10 questions posted by lord knows who? 13 year old girl for all you know. It takes 8 hours and needs to be given by a fucking pyscologist ar-tard. *shakes head* Stupidity spreads like STD'S.

Here's a mind fuck out there for you ignorant judgemental assholes. I happen to have two sisters, I am the middle kid (aka the rebellios one if you ask my mom, haha). None of my sisters have the same hair color. Little sis is a brunette and older sis is a red head. The both think they are the next fucking Einstines for the record, and my older sister way way back in the day had this brilliant idea that every xma$ holiday we should play trivial pursit, and the sister who won would have bragging rights for the next year as being the smartest. So we all agreed. First year we played I was fucking drunk, and I kept drinking and drinking, haha so umm ya didn't win, I couldn't tell ya who did...hahaha.

Next year, the other one did, but I should mention the bastards played New Year's Day.....O god I had such a massive hang over. See my old friends I use to party with had a saying "Go Hard, Or Go Home" and I could drink with the big boys, and I could drink some of them under the table. Remember my size....ya. Shocker, didn't win that time either. But then I said alright, you two wanna play, we're gonna play.

Next year rolls around. No drinkie drinkie, no hang over. Straight sober Manda ready to play and destroy, and you bet your fucking ass I did. I killed and wasted the two of 'em. In fact, I never lost a year after that. I beleive we played 8 years. And I mopped the floor with them 8 years in a row. They couldn't touch me. Hmmm, shows you what a dumb blonde can do hey? I was play an oh so smart brunette and red head and they were destroyed 8 years in a row, badly I may add by there blonde sister. Then after getting their asses kicked in after that 8th year all of a sudden no one wanted to play anymore....interesting. Don't cha think?

So ya don't fucking stereotype me as some dumb fucking bimbo whose some airheaded easy slut just beacuse of the color of my hair. Or I will beat the living fuck outta you one way or another. Got that fuck-tard. Good, now let's play nice. Because remember BOYS it's wrong to stereotype people for all kinds of things yet this one seems to be okay. I would hope that real MEN would have enough class to be smart enough to understand that hair color has no effect on the make up of who people are. Here BOYS is your one and final reminder that it's not. And any chicks out there who get off on it too, you ain't any safer honey, in fact you should be even more terrified. Ooo another point of interest, my shrink said I'm the only female paitent he's ever had with serial killer tendecies. I'll let you reflect on that. Some times voices in my head tell me to stab people they don't like you assholes would be on the top of that list.

I was one of the only chicks brave enough to be in the mosh pit at the Nine Inch Nails concert. I told you I'm one mean tough ass bitch. Hard as nails. So it's in you're best intrest not to piss me off or I'll end you kiddo. It's a promise and a threat. Have a nice day. :)

-The future dictator of the world

There is nothing funner then a mind fuck, haha

I've never kept it a secret that I was/ or still am a bitch and am damn proud of it. Let me explain my thoughts on the one. I've always taking bitch as a compliment. If a chick throws it at me I know what she mean is a = jealous, b = brave enough to shoot her mouth off, but too fucking scard of me to through down cuz she damn well knows I'll beat the fuck outta her, c= that's she's probably one of those preppy little bitches who are complete sluts that'll fuck any dude that'll go home with them. Were I'ld never do that, hell it's never even close to happening because I don't need some random man whore to fuck me to bolster my self esteem. Yah I actually respect myself, I don't need anyones's approval for anything. I do whatever I want whenever the fuck I want. Haha, umm can you tell that I fell on the punk rawk side of things instead of those cookie cutter morons who lacked the ability to think for themselves.

Now tet's look at the other's gender. They`re funner to mess with.

Some dude call's ya a bitch. That's even better. Cuz you can be a real smart ass with this one. Heh heh heh....and trust me I love fucking with peoples heads, well on stupid people, but HA stupid people are pretty much all that you'll at the bar. So first off you thank them, and remember their I.Q. is on par with a tomato, so they look at you like huh? And again you thank them but this time you elaborte and tell them why you're thanful while their still trying to understand with the few tiny brain cells they have. You tell Thanx guys this is awesome, all I did was walk by. I said nothing to you, or did nothing mean to what so ever. I didn't even walk by like a snob and act like I was too good for you to even pay any attention to you. You didn't both to get to know me, but you automanticaly judged me. You dedcided you knew who I was based soley on what I wearing what kind of person I am. So now I know that you guys are judment assholes. And know not to bother wasting my time to get to know you. Because, I find people who do that to be intollerent assholes. I have no interent in being associated jerk fucks like you guys. I like people, I'm a friendly, nice, willing to talk to anyone regardless of how they look, beacause I'm the furthest thing from judgemental. So yes thank you again, because now to not bother with you fuckers at all, you are a complete waste of my time. Beacause I know you fucking jerks who have some sort of God complex, so I you've done me a huge favor. I know you guys suck, so I won't bother to pay any attention to you. I'll talk to other people who are actually nice people too. So thanx boys. And you no idea how much of how much you fucked yoursevselves over and it`s totally loss, cuz I'm seriously kinky. I'm into S&M, just thought you children might find that of inerest. O yah and I'd love to get into a 3 way. But ya one worth knowing, cuz I have no interest in a guy invoved at all. Just me and 2 other chicks. You could watch but ya not join, cuz like I said I'm only interest if everyone taking part in this in this female and lipstick lesbians, trust me not a butch in the bunch. Cuz ya I'm bi sexual and actually gender wise I prefer women over men. Just some food for though little boys. Maybe before you decide to be complete and utter judmental ass fucks maybe you should learn to think before you speak. And truts me Im as kinky as they come, and my favorite to have sex is out side, or anywhere else you have a chance of getting caught. The the higher the chance you have at getting caught the more fun it is. See ya later lossers.

But ya don't bother trying to talk to me. Because I'm extremly nice, kind, and friendly with men and women. I make friends without effort everywhere I go. So should you be stupid enough to bother me. I'll get every new friend that happens to be male to beat the living hell outta of you. And trust me, I know they will. Hahaha, God that mind fucked them good. It was funny as hell. Litterly as soon as I get out of ear shot I kill myself laughing, But the best part is that I know that I actually could do that and get my new buddies to inflict some serious pain on them. Hahahaha. Sooo great. And so damn funny, because it was seriously the truth, which maked it even funnier. I love having the having having the last laugh. And I so I did in this. There really is nothing like verbally bitch slapping a table of 7 jerk ass childern ( i won`t call them men, cuz men don`t behave like that they actually have manners and respect) And then when you do stop talking to the loosers, you`ve put them in there place, and have robberbed them of them of masculinity. Cuz they just got schooled, and schooled badly but a little girl. All 5 feet and 95 pounds of her, hahaha. O ya and she`s covered in sparkles.

Fucking Awesome. By the time I was done with the childrent they were so stupified that this tiny chick mouthed them off hardcore and took no mercy on them they just kept looking at each other like idiots with nothing to say. Simple little boys don`t piss of a chick with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, that just because she might not look like one, ya she kicks ir with the punk rawkers, so ya I`m a ray of fucking sunshine. so when I get mad I get extremly fucking pissed, fuck mad, no I go directly into I want to fucking kill you, But before you die I wanna see you suffer. I wanna see you cry and bleed. I wanna hear you beg, hand and knees you pathtic bitch and beg me to spare you and your insignifigint little life for the horrific death I have planned for you. haha.

I know, I know I`m a sick fuck. But I already told ya that S&M was my thing. And I like both sides of the of the coin. So duh of course I`m a sick fuck I`m sadist. I`m fucking mean. But ya I`m a masacoist too. I don`t get the big deal. I don`t get why S&M freaks people out, but whatever, that`s their problem not mine :P

Side note: I've been remembering all kinds of random things for no apperent reason, no clue why or where they're comming from...

Revenge is best when severeved by me :D I warned you that was a bitch. I don`t bluff. And I'm damn proud of it and damn good at it. Hahaha. Way too much fun. Evil possibly. But evil = fun :D

......................

Just make it stop. Promise it'll be okay. Don't lie. Just make it happen and fix it. Please.

Damn I can't stop listening to Momma Sed

So this is my precious Maynard. *sigh* Seriously if he told me to jump off a cliff I'd probablly do it. See it has nothing to do with a romantic intrest...none at all. So don't jump to that conclusion. You see the lyrics and the messeges that you find in a TOOL song are so deep and so complex that I can't help but to get lost in them.

It's like when I lived with my illness for 11 years, hidding my horrible truth from the world, it was beyond pain. But when Pete told me to listen to these guys, of course I did. Me and Pete have always had the same taste in music. I was fucken blown away. It was the 1st time in my entire life I felt like some out there knew what it felt like to be me. To hurt like I did. Who was as damaged as I was. It was crazy. I litterly felt like Maynard had climbed into my head and took notes and when he got out wrote songs about what he found up there.

It was the first time ever I felt like some understood. Someone knew the pain and the depths it could actully hit. The lows it was capable of. How bad someone else wanted to change to have the strength to over come the seemingly impossible. To ask the question "why the fuck me" "What the hell did I ever do to your damn fucking god to deserve this," but at the same time hold out hope that you could transmuate and change if you held on and kept fighting.

Just knowing that you weren't alone in this made so much of difference. You're not a freak, there are other people out there that are as badly damaged as you are. They have cuts so deep that they will never heal up completely either. But that's okay. That doesn't mean you're not any less important or capable as anyone else. Ya sure, you may be fucked in the head and need brain meds, and ya sure you may have memories that haunt you for the rest of your life. But they only hold you back as much as YOU let them.

I know a song that asks the question "can music save your mortal soul?" And Maynard and TOOL make me say yes, because when I feel really fucking terrible, listening to them has prevented more suicide attempts then I'd rather not discuss.

So I have nothing but love for the guys in TOOL. I know they've saved me from myself so many times then I can count. xoxoxoxo

Man I NEED my clonazepam O_O!!!

Alright I didn't have my 4 mg's of c-pam last night cuz I ran out. And I won't have any for tonight either. I don't know, if i'll have any for tomorrow night either...god I can't take this. I'm slipping dude. I'm at the end of my rope here. Panic Panic Panic. These breathing exercises that Dave taught me not working. Nothing is working. I can't do this. I need my c-pam. I need it bad. I'm gonna freak out. I'm already rocking back and forth.....it's soothing for now. My breathing is erratic. I wannna cry but I won't let myself. O god, How am I going to make it another day? God I wanna self injure, anything to distract. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I can't do it. Here they come streaming down my face like rain on a window. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Kill me, Just do it. I give up.............

Wow, Topamax Kicks Ass :O

Alright so I've have a new obsession. Scott Weiland, haha...I'm not really sure why. But I'm pretty sure it has something to do with him being one sexy mother fucker. Hahaha. Anyways I digress, for the moment. Mmmmmm.......

Any who I found my stupid phyiso exersices so that means I have to continue to torture myself. Wooo, yah...That's gonna be fun *eye roll* Seriously how do you talk yourself into doing something that you know is gonna hurt like a son of a bitch? Mayhaps I can trick myself? Like if you do this, you can have ______ fill in the blank. Except Topamax makes everything taste bad. Anything carbonated tastes like acid. Chocolate = wax. Juice = too sweet. Pizza = Garlic. It fucks with the taste of everything. *sigh*

I've been on this pill for like 3 and a half monthes and I've lost 46 pounds. K that part is awesome. Consisdering it was a stupid mood stabalizer that made me gain all the ridiculous wieght in the first place. So ya 108 rules :D It ain't 100 or lower but hell it's closer then I've been in a long time. Score :D Yes, Beatles just poped up on my player.....Don'tcha know it's gonna be alright....alright. Reveloution, for those who've been living under a rock for many decades now. Anyways, now to find something to waste time on.

Long time no see

Best character ever. When I grow up I wanna be just like him :) or a bikini bandit. Those women are crazy. Ooo I also wanna be a race care driver. Those crashes look crazy fun. The car is fire, and it like flips 5 times in the air, pieces of it are flying everywhere, and the dude is usally fine. That`s gotta be one hell of a ride. Sooo exciting :D

So I don`t really know what to say. I`m home at the moment and i`m doing a hell of alot better. I`m still hop along the gimp. I know I should be doing my exercies but they fucking hurt and it`s kinda hard to movtivate to do something that hurts like a mother fucker, haha. But hey on a major plus note, Loaf and I finally ended up in town at the same time. Fucken eh man :D So there was no booze fest but that`s fine with me. We went out and eated tasty foods :)

Seriously I`ve gotta go trough my music. There are all kind of shitty ass songs that I have no Idea where the hell they came from. People prbablly sent them to me. That happen to me alot. If it`s pete, they kick ass, cuz we`ve always had very similar taste in music. But most of this other crap....no idea. But man does it suck. Which begs the question, why the hell would you think I`d like this crap in the first place. Most of it is sucky whiney pussy shit. Seriously gay ass crap. Anyone who knows me, knows I like my music loud and angry. I like music that when it`s done makes me wanna break shit. But this crap is for wieners. So why the fuck are you sending it so me. I lie and say oo this is ok, all the while i`m think ugg this song makes me wanna shoot myself in the face with an elephant gun. Anything to shut the annoying garbage up.

I know this petty but I can`t help myself on this one. My husband came up to me and said holy shit my ex has gotten really fat. Like pregant. He`s like no man. Like pregnat is a totally different thing. I wouldn`t think that was fat at all. So I ask him like 20 pounds, and he`s noooo man you gotta see this and then you`ll get it. So ya there was this picture of her getting a tatty on her back. And o my god. It was lumpy and fucking deformed. I should my sister and seriously she was mortified. She spent at least 15 mins trying to figure just how the hell that disaster could even happen. So yah I had to laugh. Cuz ya know she treated my husband like crap when she was with him. So I laughed at her for that and that reason alone because under normal circumstances I would never make fun of some for anything. But because she was such a mega bitch to him I didn`t feel bad about it. If she was nice him, then no I would have shruged my shoulders and not said anything about it. But ya this was a special case. Bitch brought it on herself.

Anywho, I must go. I hear my mumsy is hom and I took a msg for her ala zee phone so I`m going tell her before I forget.

Catch ya kiddies Later!

Is mmmlllla even a word?

Seriously I am losing it. I can't take this. I going way over the fucking deep end....try launching myself off a fucking cliff with a trampoline. I'm just lossing it. I can't just can't take anymore. I wanna say fuck it and go. I don't even care where I just want to disapear. Why can't I just be fucking invisible?

God I can't even kill myself. No matter how hard I try it's quite obvious that it never works. It seems to be that I suck as bed as killing myself as I do at living. There is something funny about that. Perhaps that does make me alittle disturbed, but it's not like that's a surprise.

It's like I can't even fucking focus. I'm on 2 fucking mood stabalizers and you'd think that would be enough to get the job done. NOPERS. Still fucking crazy. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, don't do, whatever, fucked up girl never ceases to disapoint with the next fucking stupid idea. Which of course I always end up doing. Because I just can't seem to help myself. Which doesn't make sense to me. There's a logical, rational part of my brain telling me reason after reason why I shouldn't do this, yet I listen to the other part. The stupid part. The one that says "ya, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it." I really don't understand myself. I'm fucking retarded.

I'm smart enough to know better, but if doesn't seem to make much of difference. It's never enough to cease the stupidity. I don't know I'll either get it one day, or end up killing myself during one of these dumbass things.

Whatever. It was one hell of a ride anyway you look at it.

I like saying bad words :D

Go kitty go!!! Kill 'em all and let God sort it out :D Bang bang bang! BOOOM!

Alright, time to join you guys in the collective reality we've chosen as the place we meet to do our daily business.

So 2:40 brings another adventure at physio. Gotta be honest I really don't wanna go. They find new and terrible things to subject me foot to. I think the most horrid thing they've made me do to day was the stupid jaccuzi's or whatever the hell you wanna call 'em. First you stick you foot in scalding water and the you have to keep it in there for a whole fucking minute. I mean its boil lobster cooking hot. Then you swing and stick that same foot into a another one, but this one is filled with ice cold mother fucking water. It's like stepping into an ice fishing hole. If you've never been ice fishing. Take my word on it....Fucking cold! So again, sit agony for another minute with your foot stuck in this horrid water. Now one bout of hot and cold counts and one treatment. I had to repeat this stupid process 5 god-damn times. I was ready to hit the woman because I honestly didn't think I could do. And when I was finally free from it. I gotta admit...I was kinda on the pissed side, because not only was it unpleasent in general. My foot hurt like a mother fucker. It was pretty much "You horrid bitch, why would you do that to me?" running through my head. Hahaha, job or not, you totally suck for that.

But I will give her some credit. She the only person who would actually show me with a fake medical foot what bone I'd screwed up and what exactly I had done to it. Ya know...after 7 weeks it was kinda nice to finally know just how badly I had destroyed it. And I must admit I did a fairy fantastic job destruction wise. Like it's healing....but I'm still not suppose to do anything with cuz everything is still fubar. Basically she told me that I'd manged to bash my foot up in a really weird place. Flat out told me that I had sustained an injury where pretty much they never see one...hahaha I rule. So what actually is wrong with it comes down to 3 injuries. I've manged to chip the bone, fracture it, and detach a ligament by tearing the one that ataches to that part of your foot that connects to that part of you foot. Hahaha, I'm truely talented when it comes to stupid ways in hurting your self at seemgly safe or virtually impossible situations.

Again, hahaha. Totally rule :D

P.S. Fuck with the status quo as often as possible cuz really it's a lot of fun >;)

Locked in a place where no one goes

Tuesday, tuesday, tuesday. Here we go. I hate the start of the week. It's boring for lack of any other word to do it justice. Nothing fancy, nothing complex....in this case simplicity is the greastest answer I can give. And often times it is, yet we find it nessesary to fill our sentances up with unessasry banter. Hey I do it too. There isn't anything wrong with it. I acturally like that. I like to know that there are still people out there who know and have the ability to communicate like capible human beings. Who understand the concept of actually being able to write with real words in real senteces with basically proper punctuations. Net speak annoys that fuck outta me. It's like when I'm reading some idiots comment and he's used the word "dis" I know he means "this" I don't understand why he can't take the time to spell it properly. It's only one extra letter, and a correction to another...IT'S NOT HARD AR-TARD. Or PeOpLe WhO tYpE lIkE tHiS. I want to hit them with a bat in the face.

Anyways enough...I'm just pissing myself off. I went for my first pysisio appt on monday. It was alright. They didn't torture me like I was expecting, haha. They did however make me do things that my foot seriously hated me for. I left there with a pile of strenghting exercises, because 7 weeks later that's about the point were at. I don't have to wear that stupid boot anymore. I don't need those stupid crutches either. I'm allowed to finally to use it with out, it's just that I have to still be ubber careful with it. Because the X-Ray I had done on it last Friday to check out it's progress has confrimed that it's not healed yet. I still have a chip in that bone. That bone is also still fractured, and that ligament that attches to that mess is still torn and unattached. So ya it still counts as "Le Fuckered." Because yah it's doing better, but as of terms of healed...hahaha NO. Not even close. Hahaha. What also rocked, is that the woman who was doing my pysiso flat out told me that I had destroyed my foot in a really weird place. She's all "this is an odd place to find an injury as a rule you never see this area of the foot sustain an injury, let alone what you have managed to do to it." I was so proud...haha...I really really was.

Anyways...Topamx says lie down or barf....so I'm gonna go lie down. For the simple fact that barf is lame. :D

uhhhh...what???

Alright so sadly I think I'm developing one of Topamax's more agitating side effects as far as I'm concerned. I mean there are alot of really stupid ones to choose from so really it's all a matter of what you value when it comes down to which annoys you the most. This is the 4th time I have been on this damn pill...as I'm sure I've mentioned somewhere. Once I had this side effect, the othere 2 times I was lucky enough to dodge it. This time though it seems to have nailed me again. It is making me stupid. For whatever reason, this fucking pill has the capabilities of messing with the part of your brain that deals with the area that concers cognitive function. It's driving me fucking crazy. I'm noticing. I'm mashing words toghether creating franken-words. I'll have to stop mid-sentence to ask people what the hell I was talking about. Cuz it's just gone.

I hate it.

I know that most people would probably pick alot of the other side effects to worry about, like hey it can make your hair fall out. Being a bald chick has never been an asperation of mine because let's face it. I'd look like a moron. Blonde chicks really can't pull off that look. It's definitly more suited for dark haired women....and with my record of 7 or 8 concusions ( haha I can't honestly remember the exact number, too funny ) my head would look hystericly lumpy. The only benefit I see to it, is I could tattoo something fucking awesome to my head. But yah, that's pretty much it.

There's the whole fuck your vision up... nope. It's made my kidney's bleed in the past...nope. It's given me a seizure...again nope. It was lobular. It never scared me. On the contrary. I couldn't stop looking at things because it was like someone put drugs into something I ate/drank and I was tripping hardcore. Everything looked fucking crazy and I just could help but look at it. It was amazing. It was more wtf then anything.

So I can go on....if ya want google the damn side effects they go on and on...ooo reduce the ability to sweat. Alla, causing your body to over heat in summer or exersise and if you don't take percautions to cool down, your body will over heat and kill you. But me, ya the worst fate of all still remains being turned stupid. Because I can't fucking stand stupid. :P

My mouth is so big, I can put both feet in it :S

I feel like I'm wedged between a rock and hard place. I stepped alittle too hard and smashed some egg shells. I'll be honest, to me this isn't a surprise. I've never been one to keep status quo if I don't agree with it or think it's fucked up and wrong. But I suppose that's how you earn the titles as the "rebelious clild" and the "shit-disturber." I mean I accept that...I am those things, I'm not going to play stupid or live in denial. I am toally aware of the mayhem I stir up from time to time. I don't know what drive me to do it though. I don't know what pushes me from the inside to cause ruckes, chaos, and mayhem. It's just in me, anywhere and everywhere I go. We're jumping one midadventure to the next. One thing I can say though is that I get away with it. It doesn't matter how half baked the scheme is. How little planning I've invested in it, or even if I have road directions...it's just, "here we go!" I'll get there by following the road signs that point me in the right direction and go from there. People, books, man they all say I was born "lucky" so maybe that's why I manage to weasle my was outta these dumb things I just end up finding myself in.

Well I think I've done it this time. I think I really opened my mouth when I should have just shut up. But shut up is a bizzare and seldomly used or practiced concept in my lingusitcs and thought patteren. I am of the opinion that nothing changes unless you bring it to the surface. I don't understand while everyone else just gives a free ride to behaviour that poor. I don't get away behaving like that, and am well under half his age. I simply would not accept that from myself. I'd shake my head and my appologies once things had blown over. Because just because you're sick that doesn't give you any entitlement to treat other people badly. EVEN if it makes YOU feel better, because you aren't resolving anything. You are projection your negitive feelings about your own shortcommings onto others because that is the only was you can face them. It's easier to accept them as someone elses flaws then your own.

When it comes to issuss that surround mental health this is not an uncommon thing. It's a coping mechanism. Probabbly been doing it his entire life and really doesn't know anything better. And I hate that. You can't passivly sit back and let it take you. You can't quit, you can't give up...not even an inch....you keep fighting tooth and nail. No matter how ugly it gets, no matter how tired you get, no matter how much you wanna quit. YOU DON"T. You know why? If you do, it wins. Plain and simple. And I am not willing to loose to something that I hate more then anything in this fucking world. I will not go quietly into the night. If death wants me, he better be ready to take me kicking, screaming, and fighting...cuz yah, I'm not going easy.