2 years...i guess i should be happy or something.....

Wish-Nine Inch Nails

This is the first day of my last days

I built it up now i take it apart climbed up real high now fall down
Real far.
No need for me to stay the last thing left i just threw it away
I put my faith in god and my trust in you
Now there's nothing more fucked up i could do

Wish there was something real wish there was something true
Wish there was something real in this world full of you

I'm the one without a soul i'm the one with this big fucking hole
No new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell
Gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuck
Don't think you're having all the fun
You know me i hate everyone

Wish there was something real wish there was something true
Wish there was something real in this world full of you

I want to but i can't turn back
But i want to

Yah well for whatever it's worth it's my 2 year wedding anniversary but little sisters boyfriend destroyed my brain yesterday.....It was all just a flash back. Too real. I was her again, trembling and scared but refusing to show it. Never. He'd never see the weekness, He's love it too much, that's what he wanted the whole time. To see me break. I'd never give him that.

They left, the flashback got more real. Until they just bled into the same person, there was no difference. I needed mommy. I said mommy like a child. Because that's what I was reduced to. I was that terrified 7 year old again except this time mommy would come and did come. Mommy was here. Mommy wasn't gone somewhere and I wasn't left to cry all alone like I was as a kid. At 29.....Mommy. She finally gave me a hug and held on when I needed it. It's complex at the very least.

I'm damaged...okay.

I had a massive panic attack, which broke into uncontrollable sobbing. I don't even know how long it lasted but it seemed like that stinging liquid wouldn't stop rushing. But it did and then I was happy.

I was happy because sisters boyfriend reminded me of the bad man and the things that happened over that decade. The bad man was just trying to show me my lot in life. What I was. What I was worth. What I deserved. That's all. Preparing me for the real world. He wasn't cruel. He didn't hurt me. He didn't abuse, he was a teacher.

I felt bliss. Joy. Better then any drug I'd ever taken had made me feel. I'd found my purpose. I'm here to be stepped on. To be smacked around. To be hurt. To be used. To abused. That's okay. Because atleast I finally know why I'm here. The bad man hadn't abused me for a decade at all, he was training me for my place in the world.

I was randomly laughing like a maniac. I scared my husband & my mother, they tried to take me to the ER. They said I was psycotic. I was. It's the only time I feel happy, and fuck was I happy. I wasn't going to any fucking Dr. I felt too good. Knowing I was garbage felt good. Knowing I was worthless felt good. My husband told me my pupils were huge "kitty eyes" which apperently happens when the body is under extreme stress. I didn't know that. I learned something. He also told me I looked hollow. Mom and him didn't understand.

Feeling hollow was fantastic.

And I was hollow, there was nothing inside. And it was great, the memories, the scares, it was all just gone. Nothing left to haunt me. Just a shell who'd been bitch slapped into her place. You are nothing, you never will be anything because you're not worth anything. So that big dream you have, silly stupid little girl, you can't do that. Remember the bad man told you, you're stupid, and ugly, and worthless, and a waste. I can't do anything. I was deluded to start listening to my psychrist Dr.M. After 5 years I was almost starting to...well that doesn't matter. Cuz I was fucking dumb to think otherwise.

Now I remember my role. Except I'm not psycotic anymore, so I'm not happy anymore. I'm just fucking depressed. I want to cut the fuck outta myself. I need to punish myself and suffer for being so fucking awful. Between periods of sobbing of course. I hate myself.

No one understands....but I think Reznor gets it. This how it will be until I end it... which maybe sooner then I think.

I'm pissed again,it's called compassion: you heartless bitch

Look man even Prime is with me on this one.

God this is just sad. Breaks my heart for those nearest to the situation. I wish there was something I could do to take their pain away....but I can't. :'( I'd move fucking mountains to take the pain from her.

Anyways, growing up my life wasn't exactly Disney material, haha. That's kinda how you end up with so many brain Doctors. Makes sense right? But hey man that's alright, you can't change what was, all you can do is pick yourself up and live for now and head any direction you damn well please, so long as it's ahead. I know I'm down alot on here. But uhh, yeah, My shrink suggested I start this as a therapy tool so I'm SUPPOSE to come on here when I feel yucky and let my brain vomit. So you don't get to see positive me. Haha, but I do exisit. But I'm still a bitch :D

Back on topic, now growing up was awful. Abuse in a few forms, that's all you'll ever get outta me. BUT there was one super super awesome thing :) I met my best friend in kindergarden, when we were 5. It got even cooler! We moved when I was in kindergarden and we ended up moving to the same street as her!!! So we grew up 3 houses apart from each other like all the way up through highschool, it was bitchen' :) I swear you needed the jaws of life to pry us apart at times, lol. We even have the same first name, haha. So yes I love her with everything I have. Because even though everything else sucked about being a kid, when I was with her, none of it mattered. I didn't have to put up with "bad things." I didn't have to take on adult responsiblities as a fucking 7 year old. No. We could play. I got to be a real kid. I got to draw pictures on the sidewalk with chalk. I got to do all the stupid things little girls do when they giggle about boys in school. I was a kid. I got a taste of what that was like. It was great. It was beautiful. It made me happier then I think anything in this life ever has. Haha I'm such a dork, tears are forming as I think back, but happy ones. See happy ones, not those fucking sad ones I always have. So yes, I've given you some background. We will call her Yellow, because everytime I see the colour I smile and think of her.

Now another way I consider myself really fucking lucky. All the bad shit did happen resulted in Borderline Personality Disorder. If you don't know much about it, umm it makes ya really fucking mean when you get mad....haha that's why I say: small, yup...but piss me off and you really are asking for a beating cuz I can and have gotten pysically violent and hurt people. But, because of the "bad that's happened" if you are kind to me, I'm extremly kind, tollernt, loyal, compassionate.....fuck bottom line is I'll do anything I can for my friends. And I'd never sell 'em out for anything & you couldn't offer me any crazy amount of $$$ to ditch them. Loyal to the end bitch :) So ya mess with them and I'll also rip you're fucking face off too, haha. So in being such a friend obviously I had alot of friends. I got lucky and have more then a few people that I get to call best friend :) Yay! And they're all awesome, trust me you'd love 'em ;)

So enter the problem. I met one of these other best friends in high school, her name is Orange. Any I use to put Yellow and Orange on the same footing not really knowing which one was my "best" friend, the top. The king pin, but after this I am so fucking discusted I can't believe I was so stupid that I even had to think about it. *kicks self in the face* The internet makes everything possible! Hahaha.

Yellow has just suffered a horrific family death. No one seen it comming. It happened to someone very young. Everyone in the area is just in shock, shaken....such a sense of loss hangs over the area. It was such a random accident. Yellow and I don't live in the same city at the moment, about 4 hours apart...but I intend on moving to where she does live. When the body was discovered, I spent the entire next day talking to her. We're talking around 14 hours here people, she was destroyed and fuck man I'd be too. God I'd do ANYTHING to take that pain away. Give it to me, I'm use to hurting...just not Yellow. Don't make her cry. Shatters my heart, more then my own head. So ya regardless of the 4 hour distance I spent atleast 14 hours with her (all day) just getting her through. I did cheer her up, but I didn't go anywhere until she was going to sleep. Then and only then did I stop talking to her.

Orange that fucking cunt, knows what's happened. She knows how closely related he was to Yellow but she doesn't fucking care. She has passed on no sympathies, condolances, not a fucking thing. How the hell can you be so cold? Or callous? Heartless? Where is your compassion? Are you a god-damn robot? I don't understand. I can't watch the news because it makes me sick to see what people do to each other. Lord those feed the african children commercials make me cry. Orange has known Yellow since fucking high school...and nothing. Not even an "I'm sorry for your loss." She couldn't even take the fucking time to lie. Fuck I wanna kick the shit outta her. Ooo yet she was quick to show sympathy for other parties involved in this sad event. But of course not Yellow.

It's always been that way though, like back since high school. Yellow has always been nothing but nice...super nice to Orange. But Orange has always been a fucking bitch when it comes to Yellow.....then again to be honest alot of people have secretly told be that Orange was a fucking bitch. Hahaha, and well she is. I've thought it myself. I have no idea why she hates Yellow. I've asked her, but she'd never tell me. She'd just skirt the question. After over a fucking decade since we graduated (man I'm old, haha) and them not seeing each other you think Orange would have grown the fuck up. But no, still the same fucking whore ass cunt bag.

So here my friends is the conclusion of all of this. Sometimes it takes something truly horrific to help you sort and understand and see true natures and colours. And I have. I have seen the saddest face of one of the most beautiful souls I've met in my life. Who after reflection has brought so much fun and happiness into my life : Yellow. On the other hand, I see a bitter, spiteful, self centered bitch. Whose always been that way, yet I've kept forgiving. Seriously we shared an appartment once, fuck she was a nazi. I almost commited suicide in the bathroom 3 or 4 times because she always so fucking hostile. I have no Idea why i didn't. Something bigger is out there and it stopped me. Hahaha, she was so god awful I actually tried to arson our appartment. Almost got away with it, but my stupid boyfriend at the time noticed the smoke while it was still stoppable. But I did have fire going. *sigh*

So Orange is kicked from best friend catagory needless to say. Fuck, Orange isn't in any friend range at all. I don't care what your personal feelings are, in the face of this kind of horror...Fuck it you get it.

Orange Fuck YourSelf. In all reality I always do/did have more fun with Yellow. Heh, and I like her better cuz she's not so fucking moody. She's never fucking moody or high maitence. Or a god-damned drama queen. Ooo ya, and she know's the meaning of and likes to have fun. She's not "too mature" for things. "eye roll" Choke on a dick Orange....or as many as you can cram into your face. If any dude isn't grossed out by your face for that anyway.

So Yellow I've said it once and I'll say it again. Me & you to the end babe. And I know you've asked me what the fuck her problem is, I've finally got an answer for ya. I'll tell you when I talk to ya later today, or if that doesn't happen for some strange reason, then yah tomnorrow. She's fucking jealous. You're prettier then she is. So of course guys pay more attention to you. You're nicer to people then she is, so that means people like you more. You're skinnier then she is. I know that's fucking petty, but fuck that's how chicks work. You're just fucking more cool and more awesome. Hahaha, case closed.

Yellow Rules. I love you, forever. *kicks feet under chair like a 5 year old with a big grin* You're my bestest friend. You always have and will be forever. But ya know, it's funny cuz I think I alrealy knew that. Haha, you're right when you say we're weird. :P I should buy you a bouquet of Pixie Stix, haha I'm so doing that the next time I see you.

Orange, Optimus & I think you're an evil person. Like I said man you can't argue with him. Leader of the Autobots? Hello? Yah, didn't think so. You suck.

I love Tori Amos xoxoxox

They call us "Toriphile's." And yes indeed I am. I love her. She is the best female muscian I have ever come across. Notice I can use the word muscian here. She not some crap ass generated corporate whore. She's the real deal. She has actual talent, nothing fake, nothing planned, or prentend. What you see, what you hear, is her. And it's deep. It's true beauty. I love at her live shows when she says fuck. It rules, haha. She's passion. She's everything music should be. God why isn't everything as real as she is? Oh yah then pop "music" wouldn't exist, and I'd be happy. Fucking pussycat whores, oh yes let's see who else is vital to our musical enjoyment. Ah who could live without Eminem aka the talentless hack who hangs on to fame by bashing the actually talented to keep his name prevelent. Yup treat there. Fuck why did we have to loose Cobain? Why couldn't it be the Jonas fuckers who blew their brains out with shot guns? I'm not encouraging suicide, but ya let's face it they're too pussy to do it. Or man John Lennon, like fuck a legend before his passing, which was far too soon. What the fuck? Why take him? And you leave ass fucks like 5o Cent, Miley Cyrus, and god damned Limp Bizkit to follow in his wake? Are you fucking me? Like seriously? I could go one forever. There are a still a few artists out there that make music worth listing to, but fuck the number of douches get higher and higher everyday. I'm afraid one day they'll be no one to save us from them. *shudder* Someone save us from the fuck-tards making shitty ass crap they dub "music" these days. I must go. On that note. Rest In Peace Johnny Cash.

Damn Mania, or is this a mixed a episode...either way I wanna pull my hair out

So this is Astoroth, I call him Little Man, haha. Umm he's not so little. But once upon a time he was tiny. I haven't seen him for a long time. I miss my kitty, but right now it's best for us both. We're both sickies...poor little guy :(

Well I'm almost done my paper work to send back to disability Canada. That scares the living hell outta me. I don't know why. I haven't been anything but completely honest, I've given them every bit of info they've asked for so far, and I've gotten my pyschirts to fill out his part. Hell I even have most of the really ridiculous stuff they want from me. I have to wait but about 10:30ish today I have to contact by phone or I think I'll go down to the hospital. I need a record of how many times I've been in the psyc ward since 2006, the stupid thing is they expect you to remember that off the top of your head. Are you kidding me? That's 4 damn years. I dunno. I can think of at least 4 times. Haha, I'm more then willing to bet there's more. So I'm gonna have to get a print out because they leave you space for one visit. Yah let's take a step back and apply some logic shall we.

Alright, I've been deemed, up untill this point (who knows what desision they'll make after the review) by the government and my doctor as too ill to work. Now that being said, does it really make sense if I'm that sick that I'm only going to have ONE stay in the psyc ward? Cuz to me the anwser pretty much screams no alittle more then loud and clear. But hey whatever, the government is stupid. It's not like that's a news flash, haha.

Oooo, I got a ring from J for my b'day. It finally came back from being resized on the 11th. I'll have to take a pic and use it next time so you can see it. It's pretty, and shiney, and it makes me happy, and I love it.

But yah, small bone strutrue is awesome at times and sucks at others. Like rings. They always have to be resized. This one is on my cussin' aka swear finger (haha how 5th grade of me) and it had to sent in, now it fits after they "me" sized it to a 4.5. But clothes rule. Haha, I own a shirt that's an xxxsmall. Like who the hell fits that? ME!!! I sometimes have to purposely shrink my clothes, lol. Way funny. People I know randomly come up and airplan spin me, fun yes...untill they put me down. Haha, then I'm nice and disoriented and wanna fall over. But ya like size 0 clothes pfft nothing easy, haha so many people wanna hurt me for that right now. Last time I weighed myself I was a deadly 96 pounds of kung-fu action.

BUT don't think I'm sick. Don't think I starve myself. Don't think I puke up my din-din. I AM healthy. First off I have an increadably small bone structure. That aside, you don't beleive me, simple. Go to google my friend and search "bmi" which of course stands for body mass index. This calculates healthy weights for people of different heights. Slam my info in there. I'm healthy. I'm at the lower end granted, but I still fall into healthy range. 5 foot nothing 96 pounds = healthy weight range. I just lost 60 pounds so shut up and stop hating. If you've got a problem with weight DO something about it, don't get pissed at me.

Alright I'm bored...I'm gonna blare music. I have Sex Type Thing stuck in my head. That song is always in my head. Ahh STP the world is a better place with you in it. Or mine is anyways, and to be honest mine is the only one I care about. Haha, atleast I'm honest. :D

"sometimes I think I can see right through myself" NIN

Everyone is telling me that things are looking "up" but I can't help but have a feeling of doom or dread or whatever. Something negative is looming. Something is telling me that. Change is comming but it's not bring anything welcome. It's bringing more unpleasnent news since it has been since Easter of last year. It will let up...I know it will. But it's not done. I just wish I knew what it was. God I hate feeling the vibrabrations but not being able to know who or what to attch them too, it's a horried waiting game. Usually they give me a peek, but not this time. That's what freaks me out....I'm left completely blind. Just brace yourself, the form, the person, surprise.

So Dr. Marcoux finally filled out my form, now I have a chunk I have to do and then toss it in the mail. Gah, who knows how long it'll take them to take them to get it to review it. And when they do, if they'll reaprove it. They should. Everyone I know, shakes their head like "hell NO" when asked if they think I should go to work again. I don't think I should. Who wants to be dealing with a store employee and then all of a sudden have that worker flip phsycotic and paranoid...haha not idea. Nothing like a lunitic running around the place screaming " I am the angle of death." Haha cuz one time I totally did. Another time I thought deamons lived in showers...interesting where these ideas come from.

Anyways, I'm going to maybe consult some oruculs, definitly the tatrot and see if I figure out what the hell this feeling is all about.

Later Gators

gah I hate cold mornings

A baba on skis? I couldn't tell ya...but something about it amused me.

So Topamax has finally tried to stop killing me. That's a pro. Food still sucks though. Yesterday I found other ones it has taken from me, chips & chocolate milkshakes...NOOOOO. Fuck. O well, if that's what it costs, then that's what it costs. I'm not a hedonist anyways. But I will admit eating the same kind of food that I know I can does suck after awhile. It's like, "yay it's ___ again, Wooo" Haha, sigh.

This will make no sense to anyone but me but it's my fucking blog so that's the point. I was Right. They fucking hate me, hahaha. Fucking jerks. They hated me before day one, I didn't even stand a chance. Chalk another victory up to intution, and to whom it may concern: don't take this is a braggy way but because you'd NEVER beleive me, I told you so. We have results that speak for themselves. Haha I love pissing people off, seems like I did one hell of a job of this one. :D

Other then that nother new, I have some dumb government paper work I need to fill out regarding my disabiliy status, that'll be done and sent off next week. God I hate filling out those forms. They are teh stupid. But hey you do what you gotta.

My life is missing a partner in crime. It used to have many.

I hate how people change. Awesome to snotty & pretentious and there is nothing you can do but watch. It's like watching flowers being over grown by weeds. Something that was once so unique, and that strange factor is what gave it's charm that's been stiffled and killed. No more creativity. Now another sheep. Content to keep up apperences, hell have to look good, even if it takes half an hour to go to the fucking grocery store. I'm glad I'm hobochique, and not superficial. I think the day I came to that realization is the day I would kill myself.

Bahhhh! Remember kiddies, like Cake said "Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell."