One more time, the cycle drops

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't understand what my brain is doing other then completely short circuting. I self injured 2 times in 3 days. Why? I don't know. The panic attacks are back. I don't care about anything. I sleep. I think bi polar has cycled to the depressed end and now borderline is running around like a maniac completely un restrained.

It's like all I do these days is think about death. Fantisize even. Whether it's offing myself or going on some random rampage. I just want death....I crave it. It's fucking sick. The other day that voice, Jasper, was pushing me to paint the walls in my own blood. What the hell is that all about? Where does this sick shit come from? God I'd give anything to be normal. And don't tell me there is no normal. If that's your postion, go sit and think about it. Society has rules based on what we think is acceptable or "normal." If everything is normal, then there should be nothing wrong with self injury, suicide, murder, rape, child molestation, etc. BUT THERE IS! There is tons wrong with that shit, we don't need the government to tell us that. It's built into our pysce that these things are wrong and unacceptable. Ergo, there is a range that normal covers. Our activities fall somewhere in the normal range for the most part, but there are devations.

I am one of them. No I'm not just kicking my ass here, my shrink actually called me deviant, heh oh and that I have serial killer tendancies. Which he found odd, because he only see's such behaviour in his male paitents. It's awesome to be the exception to that rule. *eye roll* And no the man is not a quack. He's the best fucking doctor I've ever had. Maybe you just don't know me as well as you think you do. Hell no one really knows the complete pieces that make me up. I'd never let them see it. I think they'd all get fucking terrified and run for the hills. I can't say I'd blame them. But life is a very lonely existance for me, so I keep my few close and my mouth shut. Sometimes there are things that your friends can't help you with, thus the professionals.

Well I don't know what to do about today. I hate it. I wish I wouldn't have woken up, but I did. The fact remains I exists, at least in this perception or reality, for today. Whatever today really equates too. In other words, I would have prefered to just die while I was asleep but that didn't happen. Now to find a way to kill the day before it, rather me, kills me.