I feel like I'm wedged between a rock and hard place. I stepped alittle too hard and smashed some egg shells. I'll be honest, to me this isn't a surprise. I've never been one to keep status quo if I don't agree with it or think it's fucked up and wrong. But I suppose that's how you earn the titles as the "rebelious clild" and the "shit-disturber." I mean I accept that...I am those things, I'm not going to play stupid or live in denial. I am toally aware of the mayhem I stir up from time to time. I don't know what drive me to do it though. I don't know what pushes me from the inside to cause ruckes, chaos, and mayhem. It's just in me, anywhere and everywhere I go. We're jumping one midadventure to the next. One thing I can say though is that I get away with it. It doesn't matter how half baked the scheme is. How little planning I've invested in it, or even if I have road directions...it's just, "here we go!" I'll get there by following the road signs that point me in the right direction and go from there. People, books, man they all say I was born "lucky" so maybe that's why I manage to weasle my was outta these dumb things I just end up finding myself in.
Well I think I've done it this time. I think I really opened my mouth when I should have just shut up. But shut up is a bizzare and seldomly used or practiced concept in my lingusitcs and thought patteren. I am of the opinion that nothing changes unless you bring it to the surface. I don't understand while everyone else just gives a free ride to behaviour that poor. I don't get away behaving like that, and am well under half his age. I simply would not accept that from myself. I'd shake my head and my appologies once things had blown over. Because just because you're sick that doesn't give you any entitlement to treat other people badly. EVEN if it makes YOU feel better, because you aren't resolving anything. You are projection your negitive feelings about your own shortcommings onto others because that is the only was you can face them. It's easier to accept them as someone elses flaws then your own.
When it comes to issuss that surround mental health this is not an uncommon thing. It's a coping mechanism. Probabbly been doing it his entire life and really doesn't know anything better. And I hate that. You can't passivly sit back and let it take you. You can't quit, you can't give up...not even an inch....you keep fighting tooth and nail. No matter how ugly it gets, no matter how tired you get, no matter how much you wanna quit. YOU DON"T. You know why? If you do, it wins. Plain and simple. And I am not willing to loose to something that I hate more then anything in this fucking world. I will not go quietly into the night. If death wants me, he better be ready to take me kicking, screaming, and fighting...cuz yah, I'm not going easy.
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