So a month later....

So it's been just over a month that I went MIA. The reasons are my own and will stay that way until further notice. All that needs to be said is that was the WORST fucking month ever. I almost killed someone....I am not kidding. My shrink was the one who talked me outta it at a very important emergency meeting. I seen him again yesterday, and I have an appt to see him again at the end of October. Basically this is how it goes, if everything is great, i see him at the 4 month period. If things are chaotic and alittle crazy I see him at the 3 month period...that's our normal. If things are really bad it's a 2 month wait. But with 2 emergency meetings in the last month and half I got my appt in a month. So shit is fucking bad. That's about all I'm willing to talk about right now. But ya crazy enough for murder....there's a reason I don't talk about this shit :P

Another disturbing turn about is that I heard a voice again. I haven't heard voices in my head for like 3 years. They are always angry males who litterly command me to do terrible things that I don't want to. The more I resist the angery and nastier they get. They want what they want. For instance for me to take a knife to the local malls food court and go stab happy as much as I can before the cops gun me down. It's like huh? I don't want to do that, where is this comming from? Why is this in my head? Who is pushing me to do this? There's alot of other bad shit these voices want me to do, but that's on of the most disturbing examples. And it's all because they want to see blood stained fabric. That's it. That's there whole reason to push me to this killing spree, is they want to see the blood spill. That's fucked up shit man. Fucked up.

I learnt at my shrinks office that when you are in an agravated state and things are really stressful borderline can cause pyschosis aka you can go psycotic and that's why I'm hearing these fucking voices again. I just hope it doesn't push itself to the point where I think demons live in showers or that I'm the angle of death again....cuz really that's some messed up shit right there. I don't even think I could discribe to you what it's like to be that "crazy," words could never paint the right picture. It's something so terrible and tramatizing that I would only wish it on less then a handfull of people I truely fucking hate.

So ya, borderline gets pissed and I have a decent shot at pycosis, mania gets to high and I can flip pyscotic....Life is fantastic when your so wacked outta your tree you have angry male voices commanding you to paint the walls in your own blood.

So yes that has been the reason of my absence. I have be truely sick. I've been half way to hell and back in a month. My pysce is shattered like a fucking mirror. If you've ever heard the song Schism by TOOL, the line "I know the pieces fit cause I watched them fall away" sums it up nicely. I have taken some time to retreate from the storm and try to glue the foundation back into something recognizable, but the past month has left me a nice puzzle. It's a good thing I like puzzles :P

But I'm hear and I'm not going to continue to isolate. These are my words, and words are power. I will heal through them whether people want to hear the abject ugliness or not. I am sorry that it is this way but the truth isn't always pretty. People have to learn to stop expecting everything to fucking rainbows, god-dammed flowers and ass-sucking sunshine all the time. Sometimes it's ugly, deal, I have to. Besides, as much as I hate cliche's the truth WILL set you free.

I missed ya gators. I call ya gators because aligators are one of my favorite animals...just a piece of usless info for you all :)