I want nothing more then to be a ghost right now. I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be heard, I want zero interaction with things that are not in the feild of comforts.
Am I alone on this one? Has anyone else out there just wished they were fucking invisible. Just to be able to vanish in a poof of fucking smoke and come back when things can atleast be at the "okay" mark. I mean at "okay" things suck, but it's a functioning sort of suck. It's not absolute misery. It's not the crawl up and hope you die somehow sort of feeling. Do normal people ever feel that way? Maybe they do? If so do they feel it as often?
I have come to the conclusion unless I hit some sever bi-polar swing I'm probably not going to off myself. I won't write it off completely because a- I have bad voices in my head telling me to do things again, b - I am ridiculously self destructive, and c- sometimes those swings are uncontrollable and you take a kick at it regardless. Heh, it's a good thing I suck at killing myself as much as I seem to suck at life. Regardless, I don't think it'll happen. The borderline in me won't allow it. It'll let me hurt myself but not kill. The reason is simple in it's own messed up way. With borderline you are left with this constent sense of being "bad" or "evil." In some way fucked up and deserving of the pain. So existance is pain.....it always fucking hurts you guys no matter how hard I'm laughing.....know I'm crying twice as hard on the inside. But yes I essentially beleieve that I deserve to suffer ergo I cannot kill myself because death would bring peace and I am not worthy of something so wonderful. If the logic is too fucked up to follow, um don't feel bad....it is fucked up logic.
That's the kicker in all of this. See, I can know that my thoughts are wrong sometimes. Heh, not all the time though. So even if I do have a moment of clairity when part of my brain inturpts the unhealthy self crucfixtion, it still gets over rulled. It's annoying as fuck. I hope that sometime within the next couple years they can teach me how to listen to the other voice. For now though, I always beleive the mean one. Then again what do you expect I beleive the only reason I'm here is to suffer, so then of course I'd most often listen to the jack-ass voice.
God I'm self destructive. I just can't think of anything stupid/dangerous enough to do yet. I hope I come across something. Nothing let's you know your alive like thinking your going to die or horrid pain.
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